What do marriage and a tornado have in common? In the beginning there's a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end someone loses a house.
My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said, "Come on, get in the car. We’re going to the gas station."
A Mariner was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't find her,
so he rowed back home.
The next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said, "Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my trap lines and she's got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What should I do?"
"Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!"In love, a man is victorious only when he runs away.
---NapoleonA man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm leavin'' you for a better life," she replies. "Where do you think you're going?" he asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blow job there." The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes. "What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks. "I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen."
The husband replied, "I just can't believe that my wife could be so much fun."My girlfriend told me if I join one more comedy group on the Internet, she’s going to leave me. I’m really going to miss her.
A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
Student: "A heart attack."To get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple enjoyed spending weekends relaxing in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, their came up with a plan to assure themselves some privacy. When they set up camp, they placed this sign on the door of their RV: “Insurance Agent. Ask about our term life package”
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going, boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang
lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know," the boy said. "And look what you got!"A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed. "See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! stand still, If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! stand still, If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Boyfriend: "ILY."
Girlfriend: "Can you please say the words? It makes it better."
Boyfriend: "I'm leaving you."A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fianc?e will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fianc?e will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He's always picking his nose and
he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A man walks into the bedroom. His wife is laying in bed. He's carrying a glass of water & 2 Asperin. He offers them to his wife. Being surprised, she says "I don't have a headache! I feel fine." The man says "Gotcha!!!"
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal."The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."
Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]
Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it's too long."
Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases.
"Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Jennifer had bought.
As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."A women exclaims to her husband one day at dinner, that she had been thinking of getting out more with the girls. Out of respect to her husband, she asked if he would be willing to sacrifice some of their time together to allow her this opportnity. It would only be one evening a week, & he could pick the day of the week that he felt would least infringe on the quality time that they both share together. He agreed to the idea and said that Wednesdays would be good. The first night out came. when the man's wife came home, she was sporting a very beautiful & expensive diamond necklace. He inquired as to where the jewels came from knowing that neither of them (though not poor) could not possibly afford such a thing. His wife explained that she & the girls on their first night out, decided to go to a raffle, and ended up winning the expensive necklace. The man accepted his wife's explanation, and said nothing more about it. The next Wednesday evening came and the girls went out again. This time the woman came home with a full lengh persian mink coat. Once again she explained that they went back to the raffle after having such good luck the first time and was just as fortunate again. Once again her husband accepted her explanation. The third night out came. once again the woman came home with a very costly item.A brand new luxury car. This time her husband was noticeably preterbed. She once again explaind that her expensive merchandise was a result of a streak of luck at the raffle. The woman sensing that her husband was uneasy about all that had transpired since the girls started having their night out, decided to spend the next Wednesday home with him. She had planned to make love to him like never before. She was going to make it an evening he wouldn't forget. She decided that the best way to start the evening off would be for both she and her husband to take a long, hot, relaxing bath together. She asked him to run the bath. Now she heard the water running in the bathroom but only for a few seconds. she went to see what was going on. To her surprise her husband had only filled the tub with about one and a half inches of water. She said to her husband. "That's not nearly enough water for two people to take a bath in." He said, "Yeah I know, but I didn't want to get your raffle ticket wet."
A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husband's eyes fill with tears.
The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew you were so sentimental." she whispered.
"No . . . No . . ." he said, choking back his tears, "That's not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"
"Yes," the wife replied. "I remember it like yesterday."
"Well," said the husband, "Today I would have be a free man."Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so, I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE WOMEN:
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring
myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on
Easter
Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
-- Jay LenoThey say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. "I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise."
-- Wanda Sykes-HallA gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every
sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play
through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other
is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."A young newlywed couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big burley bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said,"here put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants." she said.
"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "Hell I can't get into your pants!"
She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."Dear Abner,
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
Signed,
Worried
Dear Worried,
A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your
partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner,
My fiance has too many nights out with "the
boys."
Signed,
Alone
Dear Alone,
This is perfectly natural behavior and should
be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois
with me and my sister. This seems wrong. What should I do?
Signed,
Monogamous
Dear Mono,
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He
cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform
oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
Signed,
Closed Mouth
Dear Closed,
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has
only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great
glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him
is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of
pain shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of
handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making
love. We have no time to talk.
Signed,
Talkless in Tacoma.
Dear Talkless,
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult
task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last
sixty seconds.
Signed,
Minute Man's Wife
Dear Minute,
Your husband loves you very much. He is so
turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My boyfriend not at all interested in foreplay. HELP!
Signed,
Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma'am.
Dear Wham,
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means
is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking. Why must he work at getting you "in the mood" if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives' tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by
buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Abner,
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster . . . and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm
in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, "Mission Accomplished."Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.'"Q: How many men does it take to empty the dishwasher?
A: No one knows . . . it has never happened.Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house,
dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work? Where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started..."A woman and a man wanted to have a baby, so they went to the doctor to see if there was a way. When the doctor came in, told them about a new study that transfers all the pain from the mother to the father during delivery. They both agreed to take part in the study.
Later, when the woman went into labor, her husband was hooked up to the device to transfer the pain. After it was hooked up the doctor turned on the power. The man didn't feel anything so he told the doctor to turn the power up. After the power was turned up the man still couldn't feel anything. The doctor turned it up more. The man still couldn't feel it. Finally, the doctor turned it up the whole way. The woman delivered a beautiful baby, and neither of them felt any pain.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the doorstep.Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked."What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"I bough my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it started!”
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A: They’re worth it.Pro
Long relationships Allowed to stay out late Easy weight loss Centuries of experience Immune to all venereal diseases Always has amazing stamina Loves neck nibbling Rarely interested in arguing religion Never comes home with garlic breath Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.
Con
Spend your time in a hypnotic daze Parents can be hell You always feel tired (loss of blood) Oral sex can be lethal Always has cold feet (and blood) Never able to spend the day in bed Pet names that give you chills Strange friends Giggles at funerals Hard to win an argument No romantic sunsets May forget own strength during orgasmA man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
-------------------------------
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."
Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
Eddie, 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
--------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
----------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
-------------------------------
"When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that."
Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do."
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
--------------------------------------
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
Anita, 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
Ricky, age 10One night a guy got really wasted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as
fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to
tip-toe out.
Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just
as ugly as the one in the bed.
She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, "What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"A middle aged couple had two beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try for the son that they had always wanted.
After several months, the wife had become pregnant and later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever inagined.
"We have two beautiful daughters. How could this boy turn out so ugly?" he moaned. Then turning suspicious, he glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"
"No, darling, not this time."Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That's really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is
darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to
come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his penis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said, "Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked, "What did he do with my wife?" The bird said, "I don’t know; I got hard and fell."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.
Attorney: "May I help you?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseatThe Metro Times in the Detroit, MI area runs a competition for the best Personal Ad, and gives a $15 gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue.
I am black and a woman. With children being slaughtered in Rowanda, what difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, or how much money you or I make? To hell with long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all of that other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway; that didn't even take place in Cinderella (I've seen the movie). If there is a man out there who:
isn't a crackhead or crack dealer,
isn't an alcoholic,
doesn't have any kids,
doesn't smoke,
doesn't beat women,
isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad,
isn't a liar,
isn't looking for fun behind his wife's back,
isn't into being hit, peed on, or tied up while having sex,
doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex,
likes having sex,
CAN have sex,
is not
in jail,
on probation,
has a court date pending,
isn't a
misogynist,
racist,
classist,
elitist,
lawyer,
politician,
member of the military,
policeman (Malice Green, Rodney King),
bible boy, or
a pompous ass.
Call me!!
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST!!! If you're out there, if you exist, call me. Please don't make me give up on men.My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. - Rodney Dangerfield
Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Arguing with a woman is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree."
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = affair
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Some Finance: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
Some Psych: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little -- To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There is 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . .
You either married it or gave birth to it.After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's
runnin' after."A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"
The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn't start out that way, she had mace.
The five most important qualities in a woman: one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of
Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John
Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix ItDan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she
and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce."A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?” The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”
Husband and wife had a quarrel. Husband gives wife a tombstone and writes, "Here lies my wife-Cold as ever." Furious, wife gives the same present she writes,"Here lies my husband-Stiff at last."
A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother." The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour
when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.I was married by the judge.
I should have asked for a jury.John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.Husband - Someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression that he has just cleaned the entire house.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses problems. We met a good friend of ours recently, the morning after his wedding, brooding over a drink in a local bar.
"What?s the trouble?" we asked. "I should think you?d be the happiest man in the world today."
He shook his head sadly. "What creatures of habit we are," he said. "This morning when I rose, half asleep, without thinking, I pulled a $50 bill from my wallet and left it on the pillow."
We tried to console him and told him his wife wouldn't think anything of it.
"You don't understand," he said. "Half asleep, without thinking, she gave me twenty dollars change."There once was a man named Dave . . .
Who kept a whore in a cave . . .
"I know I'm a dick . . .
And I feel like a shit . . .
But look at the money I saved!"Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
-- Tim AllenI never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married but then it was too late.
If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.
Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!"Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
I told my wife that I would get a tattoo on my pecker of a one-million dollar bill. This way she can blow a million bucks without leaving the house.
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women back to the cave by the hair?
A: If they dragged them by the ankles, they would fill up with dirt!Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."
Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
"Did my wife say anything when you called and said I would be working late at the office?" asked the executive, nuzzling his ravishing secretary.
"The only thing she said," answered the secretary, "was: 'Can I count on it?'"An elderly couple, Fred and Vera, were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Since their wedding day, Vera had kept a hope chest. Fred had always wanted to see what was in the chest, but Vera refused.
On their anniversary, Vera said, "Fred, as my present to you, I will let you look into my hope chest."
Fred excitedly opened the chest. The chest was full of money. On top of the money lay three eggs. "What's the deal with these eggs?" asks Fred.
Vera replied, "Well, every time in the past fifty years that I was unfaithful to you, I place an egg in this chest."
Fred thought about this for a minute, concluding that three times in fifty years wasn't so bad, then asked, "Where did all this money come from?".
Vera replied, "Oh, every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them."Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and
well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and
take a walk."Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.My girlfriend called me a pedophile; that's a big word for a nine year old.
When you are married, nobody asks about your sex life. They know that you don't have one!
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named
Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Kleerly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with Kleerly and after a
while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do
anything with Kleerly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and continue with the Kleerly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he
couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the
riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then
ran off smiling and singing . . . "I can see Kleerly now Lorraine has gone."A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. "The man then replies, "yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we
were first married, I would come home from the office, my
wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would
run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different.
I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs
around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting
the same service."Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women.
The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big tits."
The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy just sat there on his couch laughing hysterically.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big!"A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was
a gorgeous redhead eating at the next table. He had
been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve
to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying
out of her socket towards the man. With his quick
reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she
popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you
dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and
afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for
a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she
brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him.
The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during
the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already
gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my
eye!"Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"The woman yelled at her husband, "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
He responded, "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Young man: "I want to marry your daughter Betty, sir."
Father: "Have you seen my wife yet?"
Young man: "Yes, but I don't think Betty will be like her."Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, " She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you gutless weasel!"An elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm
to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral," she replied.Have you heard about the new divorce Barbie? It comes with all of Ken's stuff
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any strange traditions in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.A man walks into a bar and orders a shot, then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot.The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot. The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, and when she starts to look good, I go home.”
A wife comes home to see a note from her husband on the kitchen table, "Doctor's office called and said Pabst beer is normal.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door.
When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she
slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned.
The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best
friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying
there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of
the conversation.
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I
am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye
bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful
time he's having on his fishing trip with you."A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards
astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course you can." and shut the door.Three guys died and went to heaven. When they got there St. Peter told them that they would be given cars reflecting how faithfull they were to their wives before they died. The first guy got a cadillac, so he went off happy. The second guy got a ford taurus, he was a little depressed, but he left without complaining. The third guy got a Yugo, he was more depressed, but he went off without complaining. A few months later the three met up again and they noticed that the guy with the cadillac looked really depressed. So they asked him what was wrong "Why do look so depressed, you got the best car here?" He replied "Yeah, I know, but I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
A woman and her lover are in bed together when suddenly, her husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder. "Don't move! You're a statue!" she says.
The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.
The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the 'statue' and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"Someone asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple," I answered, "My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup.... nope.... yup....."Boy: "Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend."
Girl: "I have a boyfriend."
Boy: "I have math test tomorrow."
Girl: "What does that have to do with anything?"
Boy: "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."The Original Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
The New Versions:
Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back within some time limit, forget her.
Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back...
Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again,
repeat*
Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.
HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.
Psychologist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Somnabulist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare;
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor. “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We're getting a new kitchen.”
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed. Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it. Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
A man and his wife are weeding the garden one day when his wife bends over to pick some more weeds.
The man exclaims, "Wow! Your butt is getting awfully big! You know what? I think it is as big as our grill."
He then walks over to the grill, measures it, measures her butt and says "Yep sure enough, it's as big as the grill!"
His wife is furious and the two don't speak for the remainder of the day.
That evening when they are in bed, the husband started snuggling up next to her and said, "Hey baby! Lets do a little lovin' tonight."
The wife replied, "Ya right! You think I'm gonna fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie?"A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her!"Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds."His family wasn't too pleased about our engagement," sighed the party girl to her roommate. "In fact, his wife was furious."
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"He responds by saying, "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother.
So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still." You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."
But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, "For every wish you make, your wife gets two." The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, "For my last wish, beat me half to death."
A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? I want a divorce!" "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry and a vacation home in Mexico?" They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That's his mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."Q: Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll in stores now?
A: It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."A newlywed couple had just moved into their house. The husband was cleaning out the attic and he found a trunk. He bent down to open it, but it was locked. He went downstairs and asked his wife about it.
She said, "Oh, it is nothing, don't worry about it."
He thought about it and said ok. 25 years later, he was cleaning out the attic again. He came across the trunk again. He thought maybe she would tell him about it now, so he asked his wife about the trunk again.
She told him him about all the good meals she cooked him and how she gave him sex whenever he wanted it and what greeat care she took of him.
He said ok, and did not think anything else about it.
On their 50th anniversary, he went up to the attic and dragged the trunk down the stairs and into the living room. He asked once again what was in the trunk?
She tried to tell him about the meals and the sex, but he interrupted her and said that no one was leaving until she told him.
Reluctantly, she agreed. "Ok, I will tell you." She took a key from around her neck and opened the trunk. There was about 9 million dollars in the trunk along with 3 ears of corn.
He asked, "What is this all about?"
She responded, "Every time I cheated on you, I would put an ear of corn in the trunk."
He thought about it a minute and said, "Well, that is nothing, I can handle it."
She continued, "And every time the trunk got full, I would sell the corn."You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of
fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night."The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was
talking to one of the wives over drinks.
"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling considering
the number of times you've been inoculated."A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever.
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention.
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could be here with
you on the happiest day of your life."
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!"
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by
saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole
truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy
greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
The conversation starts between girl and boy:
Boy: Do you have pen?
Girl: No,I don't have.
Boy: Do you have a pen?
Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen.
Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen?
Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer?
Boy: Do you have a hammer?Bob was on the golf course one day and got paired with a man named Fred. In making conversation, Bob asked Fred what he did for a living.
"I'm a hit man." Fred replied.
"Wow! How much do you charge?"
"$1,000.00 a hit."
At the twelfth hole, they were waiting on the tee box when Bob said, "That's my house over there and there' my wife in the bedroom window."
From his golf bag, Fred pulled out a telescopic site and looked at Bob's wife. "She's beautiful! And who's the guy with her?"
Bob grabed the site and looked. "That's my best friend, Steve. And he's taking off his clothes! Why I can't believe what I'm seeing! A thousand dollars a hit, huh? I'll give you 2 thousand dollars and you can kill 'em both!"
Fred pulled out a rifle, put the site on it and took aim.
After about 5 minutes, Bob turned to Fred and asked, "What's taking so long?"
"Hold on. I think I can save you a thousand dollars!"Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 6:00 a.m. --------- The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m. -------- The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.
Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened?
Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m. -------- The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."At Burger King an elderly couple ordered one burger, one order of fries and one coke with two glasses.
When they got to their booth, the man placed a napkin in front of himself and one in front of his wife, then proceeded to divide the fries, cut the burger in half and divided the coke equally.
A gentleman nearby noticed and offered to buy them another burger, fries and Coke.
The woman then said, "No you don't understand. We've been married over 50 years and all our life we agreed to split everything right down the middle."
Her husband then began eating, as she sat with her hands in her lap.
The gentleman nearby noticed and asked the lady why she wasn't eating.
She replied, "As I said before, we split everything right down the middle, and it's his day to use the teeth first."Back in the old days, farmers out in the Wild West used to send away for "mail-order brides". One of these
farmers got himself a mail order bride and went to the train station to pick her up. He pulled up to the station on his horse, leading a pack mule for her stuff. He got her stuff onto the mule and put her on the back of his horse.
They started back to the farmer's place and a few miles out of town, the horse spooked and threw the farmer and his new bride to the ground. The farmer got up and made sure she was okay and then grabbed the horse by the reins and looked the horse in the eye. "That's one," said the farmer.
They started on their way again. Again the horse spooked and threw the couple to the ground. After making sure that his lady was okay, he grabbed the
horsed reins again, looked it in the eye and said, "That's two."
The couple started on their way again. Just as they came to the gate to the farmer's house, the horse spooked again. The farmer made sure that his wife was okay. He then got out his gun, grabbed the horses reins and looked the horse in the eye. "That's
three!!" He then shot the horse.
His new bride, shocked at this horrible thing done right before her eyes proceeded to rant and rave about
how cruel the farmer was. The farmer let her go on and on about his shortcomings. Finally, she ran out of
things to say. The farmer looked up and asked "Are you finished?"
"Yes."
"That's one."Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose
with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a
year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better
and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she
said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."Least Loved Conversation Hearts
1. SHOO
2. U SMELL
3. AMSCRAY
4. CALL 911
5. 1000x NO
6. R-U NUTS
7. BIG BORE
8. BROKE HIP
9. URA ZERO
10. I'LL MACE
11. GET REAL
12. OVER DOSE
13. R U DONE
14. SHAVE BACK
15. NO HOPE
16. GO AWAY
17. DON'T TUCH
18. U-R SICK
19. WANT FRIES?
20. YODA MAN
21. DISCO
22. NO NECK
23. WRONG
24. IN-BRED
25. WAKE UP
26. HO HUM
27. FIX TEETH
28. TRY SOAP
29. NICE LISP
30. I'LL DUMP U
31. BAD HAIR
32. I'LL YELL
33. AS IF
34. NOT NOW
35. NOT EVERA man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"John had proposed to young Sally and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."
"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are twelve of us..."A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"The tenderest love is between two homosexual men with hemorrhoids.
How do you turn a fox into a pig? You marry her.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies, "Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says, "That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies, "Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: What's the difference between a nice guy and a playboy?
A: The nice guy likes to give a girl a present, while the playboy would rather give her a past.The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt.
A married man has no shirt.Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
Every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies, "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway.
This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.
Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"
Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."Q: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
A: About fifty pounds.A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300." The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free." The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000." "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan can’t take it anymore. He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?" "Yes," the brother replies. "It would be an honor." "Well, congratulations, you're holding him."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the
barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in
the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket
and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a
woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I
would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna
sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.
He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"
"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
FOR SALE:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!"
Fred was completely silent.
After a long pause, the wife continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous! Fred simply will not ask for directions!"Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the
obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. Ihave succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.About five years ago the battery in my
beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my
car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could
be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the
rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I
realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?
Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number?John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca. He said, "Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?" To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly. "Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm.'" John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sex to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
My wife dresses to kill . . . and cooks the same way!
A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having.
"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." says the man.
"What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a serious problem.
"My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man.
Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?"
"I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me." replies the man.
The rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says, "Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your wife. I called her on the phone and spoke to
her for four hours. Would you like my advice?"
"Yes, please." requests the man.
The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?"
"A rose?"
"Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her, for she was cold, hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
A husband says to his wife, "Honey I just won the lottery. Pack your bags!" The wife says, "Great. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The husband replies, "I don't care, just get the hell out!"
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
-- Bill CosbyA husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?" "Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sexy tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening. Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nude and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."
What do you have to do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher.
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.
It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into
the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband
just delivers babies, he doesn`t INSTALL them!"A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to
set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her
weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter.Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There is no use in two people remembering the same thing.A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOWThere are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the f*ck is dinner?!?'"
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new bride, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" asks his wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." replies the husband.
The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar ... you know ... the frozen glass."
He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it.
The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll. But at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." replies the husband in desparation.
"You want dirty words cutie pie...? HERE! DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ASSHOLE!Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to revert to childhood, he’s already there."The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect
woman, so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that he began his mission to find the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.
The man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
The morning after the man dated the third daughter, the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!"
They were married right away. Months later, the had a baby. When the man visited nursery, he was
horrified. The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant, when you met her.During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
her question. "Will I be acquitted?"A chicken and an egg are having sex. The chicken rolls off the egg and says, "I guess that answers that question."
The ABC's of ex wives
A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the
meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose
without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi ... someone you could actually say
had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House ... which the bitch also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you
just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother Fucker!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account
always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." . . . what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar
SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have
stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her
sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for
in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed
out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have
more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee
that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman
asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"...Sue me for child support."There was a man who had just gotten married and was spending his
wedding night with his new wife in a very posh hotel. It was to
be the first time that he had ever had sex with his partner,
indeed he had never even seen her nude.
As they were both undressing, he looked up from taking off his
socks to notice that she did in fact have very large breasts.
He said as much to her, but the poor girl, who had always had a
bit of a complex about them, got very distraught. So much so that
she sent him, blanket in hand, to go and sleep in the corridor.
The man was pretty upset at this, but, not wishing to fuel her
anger further, did as he was told. Just as he was getting off to
sleep, another man came into the corridor and joined him. The
first man asked the second why he was out there, to which the
second replied that he was also on his wedding night and had
never had the pleasure of seeing his new wife's body before
either.
When she was undressing, he had complemented her on having a
rather large bum. She hadn't been impressed with his comment,
and had ordered him to go and sleep in the corridor.
It wasn't long before jilted honeymooner number three sulkily
sauntered along to join the other two.
"What's wrong with you?" Asked the first. "Did you put your foot
in it as well?"
"No," replied the third, "but I bloody well could have..."This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass."A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into
the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."Q: What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 30 pounds.A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
"Of course Darling." she replied. And so they had sex.
Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and asked, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?"
Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?"
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and asked, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turned to him with a grimace on her face and said, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning, but I do!!!"A husband and wife decide they need to spice up their sex life. The wife buys a pair of crotchless underwear, puts them on, and goes into the bedroom. She seductively asks her husband, "Hey Big Boy, do ya want some of this?" The husband takes one look at her underwear and replies, "Hell no! Look what that thing does to underwear!"
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and
asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded with options. Will sell for $150.00.
She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition.
She asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?"
"Well," she said, "it's my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: 'In Miami. Need money. Sell car.'"John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe."
"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"A young couple is on their honeymoon. The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've got a confession to make."She says, "So have I, love."To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
The Top 15 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor
15. Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
14. Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."
13. "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."
12. Her latest book: "Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards"
11. "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.
10. After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
9. When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
8. "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."
7. "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
6. You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.
5. Always takes Hillary's side.
4. In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.
3. Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.
2. "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch."
1. Her last name has six hyphens.Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
That would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.On their 25th anniversary, a husband took his wife to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After returning home, the couple saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles. There was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum . . ."A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell
'convenience', so I made it 'risk'."This one is for those of you women who have long searched to understand the intricate workings of the opposite sex. I hope this explanation helps to clarify some "grey areas."
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me to change the channel back because you think the commercials are over. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back. There was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something, it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don't like the way I am driving, close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do, it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished, then you leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.When a man brings his wife a gift for no reason, there's a reason.
--Molly McGeeA funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"
A newly married couple were visiting friends when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."Q. What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers? A. A wedding.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."
After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on
his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?
He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to
fight off the affectionate dog.
Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"
His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"One day, a young girl went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned.
The doctor asked, "What happened?"
The girl replied, "Well, I was ironing my boyfriend's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!"
The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The girl answered, "They called back!"A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don't imagine you can change a man . . . unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon-they should
be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander-it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well. They
never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same-they just have different
faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is
to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around
the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean
that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST -When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE -When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST -When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE -When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE -When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST -When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE -When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE -When you share everything you own.
LUST -When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.
LOVE -When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST -When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE -When ... uh ... what's a climax?
LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST -When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE -When you write poems about your partner.
LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE -When all you write is checks.
LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE -When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST -When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE -When you never see each other awake.
LOVE -When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST -When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE -When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE -When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST -When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE -When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST -When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only thought.
LOVE -When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST -When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you're only interested in your golf score.
LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
LOVE -You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST -You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE-You only leave the house when you're allowed.During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend
walked over, said, "Hello Henry," gave Henry's wife's breast a little squeeze and walked away.
A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, "Hello Henry," then, he too, fondled his wife's breasts and walked on.
This strange sequence of events went on for some time.
Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, "Listen pal, It's none of my business, but isn't it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What's the story?"
Henry looked at him and moaned, " What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!"Q: Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found...
Dear Ex-Valentine,
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like having you around.
-- Your ExMen are a lot like fine wine. They start out as grapes. Then women stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they become something that they would like to have dinner with.
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."Is a date a fruit or a vegetables? You don't know until he's at the door.
A man put out a classified ad that read, "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred responses all saying the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight
and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer
until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified
man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his bum.One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through 20 minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.
During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way,he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies.
They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out... just the sweater.The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side. "Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time." The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?" "Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."
A woman heard her husband praying loud one night. Among many things he asked for, one of the things was like,"O God, please let me enjoy the company of 500 beautiful female angels in Heaven when I die".
The woman got very irate at the prayer and responded praying for the company of 500 male angels in Heaven upon her death."
They both died.
When the wife met the husband again in Heaven, she asked how things were in Hevean. The husband said, "Just super. Now's I've got 500 female angels. They are just georgeous. I'am having the best time a man could possibly ask for". And then he asked, "How about you with your male angels and all?"
After taking a breath, she said,"So terrible. I don't even have time to pee with these 500 jerks."A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"What do you call an ex-girlfriend with GPS capability? A crazy bitch that will find you!
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.Just then, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"
A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern.
"Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog. Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.
The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.
"What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry @ss is out of here!"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.
2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you," and "You're cool," mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool.
In college, it means "will you have sex with me?"
3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love.
In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door.
In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.
5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings.
In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.
6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that.
In college it's an orgy or pretty close to it.
7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after.
In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.
8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice.
In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.
9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special.
In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.
10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman.
In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa,
Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"Q: Why are most hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What?s this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says "But I don?t have a headache."
He smiles and says "Gotcha!"Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting it."I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that:
Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.
Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will
be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your
genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.
Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard.
Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will
solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."
Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I
attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.
Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.
Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona caf?, four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy,
aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go back down there and get her."A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies, "Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says, "Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"
Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.
John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. John said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!" said Bob, “how did you manage that?” “It’s easy,” replied John, “my last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."
I've spent the last two years looking for my wife's killer, but nobody will do it.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."A wife comes home at 3am and her husband meets her at the door.He askes her where she got the big diamond ring that she is wearing? She says,"I won it playing BINGO, run me a tub of water, I want to soak."
The next night the wife comes home at 3am and her husband meets her at the door and she has on a beautiful fur coat. He asks her where she got it from and she says, "I won it playing BINGO. Run me a tub of water, I want to soak."
The next night the wife comes in at 3am driving a new convertible. Her husband asks her where she got the new car from and she says, "I won it playing BINGO. Run me a tub of water, I want to soak."
She undresses and goes into the bathroom then comes right back out and asks her husband, "Why did you only put one inch of water in the bathtub?"
Her husband replies, "I didn't want you to get your BINGO card wet!"Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!There once was a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could suck it. As he wiped off his chin he started to grin, and said, "if my ear were a pussy i'd fuck it.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come, they are wild and wet. When they go, they take your house and car with them.A couple drives to the hospital because the wife is in labor. The doctor alerts them that she invented a machine that will transfer some of the labor pain to the father, if they'd like. The husband eagerly says, "Give it all to me!" The couple returns home with a bouncing baby boy, only to find the mailman dead on their lawn.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
--Robin WilliamsThis guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy
lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?
A: Frankenstein.A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police. “Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer. “No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband. “Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.” The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?” “No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband. Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken. You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.” The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?” The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.A man is standing at a grave, staring at the head stone. A second man walks up and asks, "Is this someone you knew?" The first guy says, "Yes, it was my wife." The second guy says, "It must be hard to lose a wife." The first guys replies, "Yep, damn near impossible."
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked, "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the lake."A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite."I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.Roger was fed up with his wife, so he packed up his stuff and moved into the garage. Although he couple seldom spoke, he continued to mow the lawn, take out the garbage and fix the car, while she cooked the meals, vacuumed and did the laundry.
Months later, Roger met his friend Don for drinks. "Things don't seem to be working out any better," Don remarked. "Why don't you just move out?"
"Well, if you really want to know the truth," Roger explained, "she makes such a damn good neighbor."A man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"
The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, honey?" No reponse. He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again, no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "honey, what's for supper?"
She says, "for the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men OnlyQ: What book do women like the most?
A: Their boyfriends paycheck!Girls, be careful. Today's bachelor is like a modern cleanser: works fast and leaves no ring.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?"
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!"
"Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!'
I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
-- Larry MillerA couple drove several miles down a country
road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual
relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville: Population; YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you 'play with yourself':
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Evaluating the results:
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into
therapy,you're a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home
crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked,
eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what
you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to
get out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I
told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart,
time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell
her that?" asked his father.
"Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I
said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'"Two ladies are in the kitchen while one is preparing lunch for her husband. The other woman asks, "Wow! Since when did you start eating so much garlic?"
She replied with a smile, "Since my husband had that new stunning secretary."Q: What the difference between your first and second honeymoon?
A: Niagara and Viagra.An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
A man comes home and sees a note on the refrigerator from his wife. She wrote, "This isn't working. I'm at my mother's." The man opens the fridge, the light turns on, and he says to himself, "What the hell? The fridge is working fine!"
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu: appetizers, lobster, champagne . . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the so-called eye.
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and
Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly Hills Elementary School.
"Guess what?" one said. "Mommy's getting married again and I'll have a new Daddy."
"Really?" said the other girl. "Who is she marrying?"
"Winston James, the famous Director."
The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll like him. He was my Daddy last year."There's a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles. The man finally stops and the officer tells him, "When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!" The man says, "Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving." The officer says, "I've heard every excuse in the book, but if it's one I haven't heard, I'll let you go." The man says, "Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back." So the officer let him go.
I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.
"Breaking Up Is Hard To Do..."
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY G-D!? Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era.? Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship
was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface"? and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY!? You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry
between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, "Get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the
night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.
One said, "I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"
She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"
The other said, "That's terrible how'd it happen?"
"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.
She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.
Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
-- Jay LenoYou looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful ? My wife doesn't know about it yet."Two women were digging in the garden. One pulls out a two foot carrot. She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's." The second woman says, "Your husbands is that long?" "No that dirty."
Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman. Sheila says "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation."
Sheila shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story." Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me. I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely. As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not wantit.
-- Bill CosbyA woman was complaining to her neighbor that she suspected her husband was cheating on her because he always came home at extremely late hours.
The neighbor said, "Dear, try what I did. One night, when my husband came home at 3 a.m. I called out, 'Is that you Jeffrey?' He never came home late again.
"That's rediculous! Just calling his name made him stop?" replied the neighbor with disbelief.
"You don't understand." replied the lady, "My husband's name is Thomas."Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
The following is from an actual 1950s home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
---------------------------------------------------------
>> Now the updated version for the 90s woman: <<
1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages.
5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.
7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card).
10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you."Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for
me."Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could
further his stress.
Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts".
She gives him a beer.
About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts".
Again, she gives him a beer.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.
"Don't you think you're exaggerating? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.
The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts . . .Q. What is the penalty for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law!Q: What worse than finding out your ex-wife got cancer? A: Finding out it's curable.
A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very
short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement, before going any further, she got up and started stripping
in front of him.
The husband confused, asked, "What are you doing taking all your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty", I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.
The husband said, "No, not at all."
Then the wife asked, "Well what the hell were you doing then?"
To which the husband replied, "I was wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in the book."A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."A little old lady comes into the kitchen to talk to her husband and says, "Honey just look at me. My legs are heavy, thighs are getting big, and boobs are sagging. I could really use a complement right about now." The husband replied, "You have really good eye sight!"
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
One of the men looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Steve, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Steve walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Steve says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Steve replies, "I'll tell him."A buddy of mine is so suspicious that when his wife gave birth to twins, he flew into a rage because only one of them looked like him.
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw.The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"
A girlfriend calls her boyfriend over and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a neat jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The girlfriend says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling the tiger on that box.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
THE MR. RIGHT REJECTION LETTER FORM
Dear [____rejectee's name here_____] I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
[Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mention mine.
___ Three words: size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."I know this guy who muttered a few words in church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke.
After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?"
The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not."
So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the
couple so they didn't run into any harm.
The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her
against the fence.
The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.
Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young."
"Not really," said the old man. "When we were young, that fence wasn't electric."A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
His mother replied, "I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours."A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did."
Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...
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1.A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
"Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart.
Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed.
The wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides."There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, "This is the first time that I know where my husband is going."
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference.
So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing.A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.
Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"
Harry says, "Yeah, all the time -- her own and mine."A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sex though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sex whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets naked and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sex with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets naked, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an asshole!"
A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."
Slow Talker
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I
w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r
p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k
a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t
w..h..e..n
w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k
s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e
t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s
b..a..l..l..s"A man admitted he lied on his income tax return: he listed himself as the head of the household!
A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?" The man replied, "Yes, I do."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary."Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, "Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Her friend replied, "Because I married the wrong man!"
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so
slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"I'm trying to plan a party for my girlfriend, but I can't seem to find any party hats, or a girlfriend.
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey" and
"forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."A man phoned home from his office and told his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He went home in a hurry, grabbed everything and rushed off.
A week later, he returned.
His wife asked if he had a good trip.
"Oh yes!" he exclaimed. "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiled and said, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"
You know life is good when you're sitting at the breakfast table, your son is on the box of Wheaties, your girlfriend's picture is in Playboy and your wife is on the milk carton.
An airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the airline's publicity department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen
who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
The responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"What is the difference between your wife and your lover? 30 minutes.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds
Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutesChad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said "Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to ask you."
"Well, of course, young man!" the proud father replied. "You have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I want."
"Blessing, sir?" Chad stammered.
"Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?" Mr. Scott said.
"Uh, no sir, that's not it." said Chad. "Actually, my car payment is due,
and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow
fifty dollars until Friday."
"Heck no!" yelled Mr. Scott. "I hardly know you."A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
---Michel de MontaigneThese two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
Tuesday, 23 February 2016
Relationship Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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