Rude Jokes

• Why do blacks smell? So blind people can hate them too.




• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

• I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

• Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

• What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog!

• How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

• What do they do with blacks after they die? Gut them and use them as wetsuits.

• I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive.

• Want to dance? Or should I go to hell again?

• What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

• Stop with the blind jokes ... I don´t see the point.

• There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

• I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

• I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

• Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

• What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

• You don't like her? Drink more.

• Why don´t women have men´s brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in

• Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

• What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

• Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.

• Who's your friend?

• What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

• The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

• I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

• What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!

• What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

• Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

• My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

• What's the most popular pick up line in a gay bar? Can I push your stool in?

• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

• You're IQ's lower than your shoe size.

• [man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!

• I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

• Shut up, will you?" "Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

• How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

• What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count.

• If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

• If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart.

• You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

• I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

• Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever's bugging you.

• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

• What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

• Sugar - Honey - Iced - Tea ... Guess what it means.

• If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President

• What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

• If I was a squirrel I'd chuck my nuts in your hole!

• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

• What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

• The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

• A woman is like a well-served table at which a man looks one way before he eats and differently after he ate.

• How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

• Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep here legs closed.

• Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

• What travels at 200km's a hour? A black man hearing a dollar drop to the ground.

• You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

• I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

• He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.

• Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from his job at the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

• I don't think you act stupid, I'm sure it's the real thing.

• Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

• Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.

• "Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

• You're like school in the summertime - no class.

• Actually, I don't think you're dyslexic; just really, really stupid.

• Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.

• I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

• Sit down, give your mind a rest - it obviously needs it.

• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

• Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

• What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

• My friend's friend is my friend. My friend's girlfriend is my friend. My friend's boyfriend is just a scum.

• You grow on people....so does cancer.

• What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!

• I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn't answered a phone call since 2008.

• I don't think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking.

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception

• Anyone who says "good morning" on a Monday is a sociopath.

• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

• I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, but I do want you to stop talking.

• Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

• Why was Jesus a virgin when he died? Every time he touched a "wound" it closed.

• I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up your ass.

• When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!

• What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger? Someone who is too lazy to steal.

• How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

• How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

• How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?

• You're like a fat stump, I'm always falling over you.

• I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

• I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

• What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa? A good start.

• You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

• She's so fat, she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

• Are your parents siblings?

• Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

• Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

• Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

• Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.

• You know, you're not that bad looking -- for a fat-ass.

• Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

• You would never be able to live down to your reputation, but I see you're doing your best.

• You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.

• You've got two brain cells: one is in a wheelchair and the other one is pushing.

• What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

• I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.

• When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it. Weirdos.

• War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

• What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.

• Why are black peoples nostrils so big? Because that's what God held them by when he was painting them.

• Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

• Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change color.

• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

• What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!

• What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common? You don't look down.

• If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

• Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

• I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

• What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!

• I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?' I said ‘No, six should be enough.'

• What's yellow and black and makes you laugh: A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.

• If you say "I knew you were going to say that" enough. You can start billing people for psychic readings.

• How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

• Why do midgets laugh while running through the yard? The grass tickles their nuts.