Elderly Jokes

• You know you're a senior citizen when every time you leave your house; you have to go back because of something you forget.




• Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
  "You mean a rose?"
  "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
  

• Lying on his deathbed, the wealthy Mr. Sams was instructing his attorney on last-minute changes in his will.
  “I wish to leave everything I own, all stocks, bonds property, art, and money, to my wife. However, there is one stipulation.”
  “And that is?”
  “In order to inherit, she must marry within six months of my death.”
  The lawyer seemed puzzled. “Why make such an unusual request?”
  Mr. Sams answered, “Because I want someone to be sorry I died.”
  

• One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says "Hey pa, why don't you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream." Pa said, "Ok I will go right now." Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets. He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant. When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said "Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!"

• An elderly lady was sitting in a restaurant crying silently with tears collecting in a bowl of soup. Noticing this, the waiter walked over to her and politely said,"Lady that soup don't need no more salt".

• The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

• Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
  To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

• An elderly man constantly called his doctor at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments. Finally the doctor could take it no longer.
  "Listen, Mr. Becker. If you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, i am going to insist you go to another physician. Have I made myself clear?" And he hung up the phone.
  A week later, the unfortunate man slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, en elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care. An hour later, his doctor walked in on him, saw his condition, and beamed, "Now I think you're getting the hang of it!"
  

• At a party an elderly lady was bemoaning the behavior of the youth of today.
  “Look at the girl over there,” she complained. “I don’t know what young girls are coming to! She’s wearing boy’s jeans, a boy’s shirt, and that haircut is so boyish – you wouldn’t know she was a girl at all, would you?”
  “Well, as it happens, I would,” came the reply, “because she is my daughter.”
  “Oh dear,” said the old lady embarrassed, “I’m so sorry – I didn’t know you were her father.”
  “I’m not, I’m her mother.”
  

• "How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. 
  "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. 
  "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" 
  "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. 
  "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. 
  The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. 
  "Yup," Scott answered. 
  "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. 
  "I forgot."

• In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son. He lived 1500 miles away. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

• Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
  John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
  Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
  "Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

• While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
  
  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
  
  All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
  
  To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."
  

• Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.
  "I've left the tickets on it."
  

• As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. 
  When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. 
  "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." 

• There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy
  Old gentleman.
  After he proposed, she suggested, “we might even have some children!”
  The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.”
  “What do you mean?” asked the young woman
  “Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”
  

• “What are you learning at school now, Sue? Asked her Granny.
  “French, German, and we’ve just started Algebra.”
  “Really?” said the old lady, impressed. “I used to learn French and German but
  I have never heard anyone speak Algebra.”
  

• Three old couples were having tea one fine day. There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on. A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"

• Management of the Retirement Village having an open day could not work out why visitors were stopping near the front gate and then driving away. None stopped to visit. Finally the General Manager went to investigate and found the gardener had left a sign beside the gate which said "FOR SALE -OLD SLEEPERS".

• A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.
  
  "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
  
  "Have you arrested the woman?"
  
  "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

• A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him. The old man quickly calls him back and says "waiter taste the soup" the waiter says "well what’s wrong with it" "just taste the soup" the old man insisted". "Well what's wrong with the soup is it to hot to cold, what"! "Just taste the soup said the old man". "Oh, all right where's the spoon".

• Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

• Six packets of mothballs, please,” said an old lady to the chemist.
  “But I sold you six packets yesterday.”
  “I know, but my aim’s not very good and I keep missing them.”
  

• Two old guys were chatting...
  
  One said to the other, "My 85th birthday was yesterday.The wife gave me an SUV."
  
  Other guy responded, "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
  
  First guy, "Yup... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

• Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
  
  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
  
  The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
  
  "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

• An old man was sitting at home telling his adventures to his grandchildren. He said:
  "Oh my kids.. when I was young I used to go fishing in the desert!!"
  The boys looked at him with a huge exclamation mark.. he ignored it and continued:
  " one day I faced a lion.. a big lion.. it began chasing me and I was sure he would get me.. then he was able to catch me in the CORNER.. and gave me 2 options: (either to be eaten.. or to be fucked)"..
  The old man stopped talking for a while and then the children looked at him and said: "so, grandpa, what did you choose?"
  He said: "Well... I am still alive"

• An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
  When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
  "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
  "I had to slap his face three times!"
  "You mean he got fresh?"
  "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

• An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor to complain about pain in one knee. The doctor examined it gently and said, "Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much."
  "That's true," the man agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!"
  

• An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
  She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
  The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
  A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
  

• 
  A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
  
  "Please come over here and help me.
  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
  
  Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
  The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
  Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
  "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
  He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
  
  "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
  
  

• Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
  A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
  A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”
  Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
  The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
  
  

• An old man was LYING IN HIS DEATH bed upstairs. His favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath he was sure he could smell freshly-backed chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shacking hand towards the cookies.
  
  Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DONT TOUCH THOSE - THEY' RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!"

• Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
  
  He said, "I did that by accident."
  
  She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
  
  He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.
  

• A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
  Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
  

• Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
  
  "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
  
  "Actually," said the eighty-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
  
  "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty-year-old.
  
  "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6 AM. I usually pee like a racehorse - no problem at all."
  
  "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy-year-old.
  
  "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
  
  With great exasperation, the sixty-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"
  
  To which the eighty-year-old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

• Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called “the hereafter.” She said to him, “I think about it many times a day.”
  “Oh, really?” said the minister. “That is very wise.”
  “It’s not a matter of wisdom,” she replied. “It’s when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, ‘What am I here after?’”
  
  

• Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a video recorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
  
  My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
  
  My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
  
  My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”
  
  “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
  
  The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
  
  Sarah replies, “Property?…. the old bugger had a newspaper route!”
  
  

• My brother remembers the day when a police car pulled up to grandma's house and grandpa got out. The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
  ''Why, Bill,'' said Grandma, ''You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?''
  Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, ''Wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.''

• An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband - "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"
  
  The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

• One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, I bumped into an old friend of mine, Rob, from high school. “You look great Rob, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be at least 65 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” I exclaimed.
  
  “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied Rob.
  
  “That’s incredible,” I said, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
  
  “Did I say he was dead?” asked Rob. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded Rob.
  
  “Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
  
  “Did I say he died” asked Rob. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!"
  
  “Getting married?!” I asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
  
  Rob looked at me, smiled, and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
  
  

• An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
  
  "The front row please." she answered.
  "You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
  "No." she said.
  "Good," he answered.
  

• "I hope this plane doesn't travel faster than sound," said the old lady to the stewardess.
  "Why?"
  "Because my friend and I want to talk, that's why."

• A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
  As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

• A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
  
  After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
  
  She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
  
  'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
  
  The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
  
  The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

• A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
  
  She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
  to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
  
  After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
  
  "Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
  
  Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
  
  Dear Madam,
  
  I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
  
  I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
  
  The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
  
  I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
  
  As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
  
  Remember this is a very friendly community
  

• An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. “What would you like Marty?” she asked. “I’m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish.” He replied. “Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won’t like that dish.” Helen said. “What do you know,” answered Marty, “I’m getting it.” “Marty, I’m telling’ you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won’t like it!” Helen exclaimed. “I’m getting it and that is the last word!” says Marty.
  A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, “Where are my eggs?”
  

• I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read,
  
  “Thank you. Please come again.”

• Mable and Faye are sitting in their retirement home discussing the little old men who lived there.
  
  Mable says, “I sure am lonely since my husband died…I wish I had a boyfriend, but am not sure how to catch the attention of the geezers around here”.
  
  Faye says, “These gentlemen are lonely also, and many haven’t had any romance in their lives for decades. I bet if they thought they could get a kiss you’d have their attention”.
  
  So Mable starts walking the halls, and comes to the first room and knocks. A little old man answers, and she says “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but he replies, “No thanks” and shuts the door.
  
  She doesn't get discouraged, and heads to the next room. “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” but again, this man is not interested. This continues for several attempts, and when she finally gets to the room at the end of the hall again she knocks. A little old man answers the door.
  
  “I’m offering up super kisses, you interested?” she asks. He replies, “I don’t want a kiss, but I’ll take the soup”.

• "You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."

• Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
  Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
  through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
  used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
  grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
  when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
  America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
  us on bus tours!
  

• For her 87th birthday Ruth who was not acquainted with modern technology, was given a new cell phone by her son. After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her.
  
  "How is your new phone working, Mom." Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

• A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

• A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
  
  One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"
  
  After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?
  
  In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
  

• The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
  
  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
  
  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
  
  The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
  
  -She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

• “I see you’re losing your hair.”
  “Nonsense. I know exactly where it is – down the bathroom sink.”
  

• “I think the Johnson’s are suffering from age related stress,” a woman said of her neighbors. “What do mean?” asked her husband. “He won’t act his age, and she won’t admit hers.”

• You know you’re getting old when your best friend tells you he's having an affair and you want to know if it's catered

• An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial. The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years. They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".

• An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist” Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.
  
  "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure
  he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
  the jewelry."
  

• Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night, the 96 year old starts a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in or out of the bath??"
  The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know, but I'll come up and see!" She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down??"
  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells to her sisters, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door!"
  

• Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memories just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

• A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
  
  "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
  
  "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
  
  "Twenty-six," he said.
  

• An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are
  you going?" she says. The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

• Memory Class: An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
  
  A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
  
  "What was the name of the Instructor? " asked the neighbor.
  
  "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered.
  
  "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
  
  "A rose? " asked the neighbor.
  
  "Yes, that's it," replied the old man.
  
  He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

• Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 
  "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." 
  "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 
  Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
  "You mean a rose?" 
  "Yes, that's it!" 
  He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" 

• An old man is talking to his friends. He says, “I’ve got my health, everything is fine, my mind, knock wood… who’s there?

• Two old buddies went fishing and one lost his dentures over the side of the boat in rough weather, so his prankster friend removed his own false teeth, tied them on his line and pretended he had caught the missing gnashers.
  Unhooking the teeth, his grateful mate tried to put them into his mouth, then hurled them into the sea with the disgusted remark: “They’re not mine – they don’t fit!”
  

• An older man met an acquaintance and asked how his wife was: then, suddenly remembering that she had died, he blurted out, “Still in the same cemetery?”

• An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. “Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.
  “Yes,” the woman said. “Remember what type of surgery was it?” “I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. “No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”
  

• A woman visited a modern-art gallery. One painting was bright blue with vivid orange swirls and the one hanging next to it was black with lime-green splotches.
  
  The artist stood nearby, so as politely as she could, the woman said to him, "I'm sorry, but I just don't understand you paintings."
  
  "I paint what I feel inside me," the artist replied.
  
  "I see," the woman replied innocently. "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"

• I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

• It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the American questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this American. When he did find the American he thought he'd set a test. After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the American what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The American replied: eggs. The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
  Ten years later the man comes across the Native American again. Very pleased to see him he comes along to the American and greets him in the traditional "How". The American looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: Scrambled.
  

• Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
  the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
  25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her
  youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
  intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
  the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
  trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
  are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to
  marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her
  you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
  
  

• Have you heard that a company has come out with a new cell phone made just for senior citizens?
  It not only has bigger numbers, rotary dial and the best feature; it has less memory.
  

• An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

• Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.
  His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''
  Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

• An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer. He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer. Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "for the third time yes!!!"

• I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
  
  I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
  
  I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
  
  I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
  
  I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
  
  I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
  
  Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
  
  One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
  
  And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!
  

• There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday. One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion. The second son decided that she didn't want to drive by herself so he got her a limo. The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot. The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn't want the house. She gave the second son a letter that said she didn't want the limo. She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

• An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
  The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
  Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
  Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
  The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
  The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
  
  

• “Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
  “Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
  The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
  

• An old lady offers a bus driver some peanuts. So the driver happily eats them. Every 5 minutes she hands him another handful of peanuts.
  
  Driver: "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
  
  Old Lady: "I can't chew look I have no teeth."
  
  Driver: "Then why do you buy them?"
  
  Old lady: "I just love the chocolates around them."

• A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
  She said they still didn’t fit. “Well,” said the dentist “I’ll do it again this time, but no more. There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
  “Who said anything about my mouth?” he woman answered.
  “They don’t fit in the glass!”
  

• “Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil.
  “Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life. “What happened?” ask Phil. Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”
  “How about you?” “Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”
  

• An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

• You know you're getting old when the "peeping tom" leaves a note saying: “PLEASE
  PULL THE BLINDS".
  
  

• A bent-over old lady hobbled into a doctor's office. Within minutes, she came out again but miraculously, she was standing up as straight as could be. A man in the waiting room who had been watching her said in amazement; "My goodness, what did the doctor do to you?"
  The old lady replied, "He gave me a longer cane!"
  

• Matilda and Rosie were chatting one day. Matilda had recently moved to a retirement home. Rosie asked, “Matilda, how do like your new home?”
  “Oh, I love it,” answered Matilda. “there’s so much to do, and no burdens of cooking a cleaning.” “I’m not sure I’d like it,” Rosie said. “I understand there are hardly any men at these places.”
  “Oh, indeed there are,” said Matilda. “There’s Will Power, and Charlie Horse, and (whispering) you can even go to bed with Arthur It is. And, if you don’t like them, there’s Ben Gay.”
  

• An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
  
  There was no response.
  
  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
  
  Still, there was no response.
  
  Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
  
  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
  

• A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "It's my birthday today, and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
  The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink; in fact, I'll take care of this one for you."
  As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink."
  The old woman says, "All right. Bartender, I want a scotch and two drops of water."
  "All right," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink, I guess I might as well buy you one."
  The old woman says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
  "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
  "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
  The old woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."

• My Grandma's sense of humor has always been her strongest attribute.
  
  She was mugged a few years ago, unfortunately. As the young punk held her up and demanded all her money, she said, "I don't have any money."
  
  "I don't believe you! I'm gonna search you! " he sneered. So he started patting her down all over really well.
  
  "I guess you don't have any money..." he said disappointed.
  
  "I told you," my Grandma replied. "But if you do that again, I'll write you a check!"

• A woman on the phone to her friend...
  
  I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising!
  
  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

• There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.

• A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
  material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
  sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
  stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
  be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
  germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
  most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
  here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
  for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
  75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
  'Wedding Cake.'
  

• 
  Three old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
  The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"
  The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
  

• Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
  
  His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
  
  Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
  
  His son replied, "$30 each."
  
  Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night.
  
  The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!"
  
  Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

• The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. "We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!" Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, "Amen, Amen!" and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, "And we should take all the sinful lust and dump it in the river!" The little old lady jumped up and shouted, "Amen, Amen, Amen!” then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, "And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!" And the little old lady stood up and said, "Now you've stopped preaching and started meddling’!"

• An elderly man just finished his annual physical, when the doctor came in grinning from ear-to-ear. "Fred, we did a full workup - heart, lungs, credit score, investments and guess what? You can afford to live another 15 years."

• An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said, "Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."
  "But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."
  "Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."
  Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.

• Pointing to a super train set, an old man said to the shop clerk, “I’ll take it.”
  “I’m sure your grandson will like it, sir,” said the clerk.
  “I suppose you are right,” sighed the old man, “You’d better give me two.”
  

• This man comes through a door to the bar and slipped on a pile of crap, he mumbles and brushes himself off. He orders a drink and sits down. A few minutes later a younger man walks through the door yelling and screaming, and he slips on the pile of crap. He gets up and looks around, and then he sits down next to the older guy. The older man says, "I did that!" The younger man punches the old man and leaves.

• A senior couple decided to go shopping one day, and split their efforts by going separate ways. Near the end of the shopping event they decided to get together for lunch. As the woman was on her way to the rendezvous point, she heard a traffic warning on the radio that a car was driving in the wrong direction up ahead. Knowing that her husband was near the point of the warning, she decided to call him on the cell phone. When he answered, she explained, "I just heard on the news, someone is driving in the wrong direction on the highway!" And the husband replied, "One? There's hundreds of folks going the wrong way where I am!"

• OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
  
  An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
  
  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
  
  The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
  
  'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'
  
  The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
  
  The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

• Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
  
  The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
  
  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
  

• A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

• Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
  
  ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
  

• An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
  Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."
  

• Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?
  Boy: about a half mile.
  Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like?
  Boy: they are mostly B's.
  Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
  Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
  Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you?
  Boy: 9 years old.
  Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11
  

• A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen.
  Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and ed the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just ed some Scripture." The policeman turned to the robber and said, "Why did that Scripture make you act this way?" The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."

• It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
  
  "Heavens no, we bought it."
  
  "Then why don't you drive it away."
  
  "We can't drive."
  
  "Then why did you buy it?"
  
  "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

• A girl walks into a supermarket and asks the clerk,” Can I have a turkey for my grandma?" the clerk responds,” Sorry. We don't do exchanges."

• An Old man sits on a park bench crying when a passer by stops to give the man some comfort.
  Looking at the old man he says “you look familiar, wait you are that lottery winner who won over a hundred million”
  “Yes that me “replied the old man.
  “But you own a yacht and a massive house and didn’t you marry that nymphomaniac blond starlet” he asks.
  “Yes that’s all true” said the old man.
  “So why are you crying” he asks.
  “Because I have forgotten where I live!”
  

• A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
  “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
  “Twelve thirty”
  

• Two elderly men were sunning themselves on a Miami Beach when they started a friendly conversation.
  "I was able to move here to retire in Miami after my business burned to the ground," the one man said. "The insurance payment sure came in handy."
  The other replied, "I'm here living from an insurance claim when my factory was flooded out."
  The first man pondered for a few seconds and then asked, "How do you start a flood?"
  

• Two elderly ladies meet at the market after not seeing each other for some time. One asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Rodger died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead right there in the vegetable patch."
  "Oh dear, I'm sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" 
  "Opened a can of peas instead."

• Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
  The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
  

• An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. "Oh sure my dear, and what else?" "That's it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream," the old wife remarked. "That's not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,” boasts the grandpa. "OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too," was the sweet reply of grandma. "As you wish my dear," says the hubby, then he adds, "by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?"

• 
  Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am," the officer replies, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time, "the officer asks. Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
  

• There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
  So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
  Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
  Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could e it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
  Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
  Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
  Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

• Three old timers chatting at restaurant! They sat down at a table while waiting to be served. One of them said; Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary? Jake replies! Yep. Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing? Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary. The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary? Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!!!!!!!

• A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
  He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
  
  The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
  
  After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
  
  "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
  
  The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
  
  "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
  
  "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
  
  And the old man enjoyed peace.
  

• A recently widow says to her friend, “Oh don’t talk to me about lawyers”
  “I’ve had so much trouble settling my late husband’s estate that I sometimes whish he hadn’t died….”
  

• A young man walks up to a park bench where an elderly gentleman is quietly weeping asks if he is OK. The old guy says, "yes, I am great"! I am in love with a beautiful 25 year old model who adores me. She cooks all my meals and we make sweet love nearly everyday".
  
  The young man asks, "So why are YOU crying"?
  
  The old guy says, "I can't remember where I live...."

• Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".
  The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
  

• The elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a lengthy divorce trial. The judge addressed the woman who was seventy-five years old, "So, Mrs. C., after 50 years of marriage, love tears, babies, grandbabies, birthdays, sicknesses and joys, why now do you want to divorce Mr. C.?" Mrs.C. looked at her husband and then at the judge and replied to the judge, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

• This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER". She replies,"No a pair of socks".

• An elderly couple living in Florida had not seen their son and daughter for quite a while. The mom called the daughter living in New York and told her that mom and pop were going to get a divorce right after Christmas because they couldn't get along after 35 years of marriage
  
  The daughter called her brother in New Jersey with the news and the brother then called his dad saying do not do anything sis and I will be up to talk to you before Christmas.
  
  After hanging up the old man yelled out to his wife. "Great news the kids are coming for Christmas and they are paying their own way."