Light Bulbs Jokes

• Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
  
  Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
  
  Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
  
  Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
  
  Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
  
  Q: How long will it take?
  A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
  
  




• Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
  
  Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
  
  Q: How many alt.music.pink-floyd readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 51. One to screw in the bulb, one to notice some small detail of the bulb-screwing and tie it into the Publius Enigma, 15 more to expand on his point, 12 to flame him, 10 to argue that you're not really screwing in a light bulb, that only Roger Waters can screw in a light bulb, 8 more to say that Dave Gilmour can screw in a light bulb better than Roger ever could, two to say that the best way to screw in a bulb is if Dave and Roger do it together, one to say that Syd Barrett is actually the best bulb-screwer, and of course one newbie to ask what Publius is, who will be subsequently referred to the FAQ, which he will then ask where to find.
  
  Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
  
  Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
  
  Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.
  
  Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
  
  Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organizing each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
  
  

• How Many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
  
  Answer 10
  
  1 to change it and 9 to sing about how good the old one was ;-)

• Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!
  

• Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
  
  Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
  A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
  
  Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
  
  Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
  
  Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Illogical. We don't have such dated devices anymore.
  
  Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
  
  Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
  A: All of them.
  
  Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
  
  

• Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
  
  Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
  
  Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
  
  Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
  A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
  
  Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
  
  Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
  
  Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
  
  

• Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to say it can't be done because there aren't enough vowels, one to be clever and change "a lightbulb" into "bull bit hag", and one to try and sell copies of the "Anagram for Windows" program he wrote.
  
  Q: How many alt.fan.pratchett readers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, one to write amusing footnotes about it, one to propose to Laura, and a newbie to ask if that's really THE Terry Or colette or both, and then to realise that the speed of light can't be measured, except in badgers, or possibly multiple of pi, then to say sod it and ask if anyone knows where to find the lyrics for the hedgehog song...
  
  Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
  
  Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Two-fifty.
  
  Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
  
  Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, who'll do it for food.
  
  Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went.
  
  Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
  A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb...
  
  

• Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 500, 1 to hold the light bulb and 499 to turn the house.
  

• Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Nine. One to complain about the lighting levels, one to say he thinks the lighting is OK, one to suggest someone calls the arbiter, one to go and call the arbiter, one to reminisce about lighting levels at the 1947 tournament at Hastings, one to complain about the disturbance the others are causing, both arbiters, and one to say he thought the lighting was better before they changed the lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many people at a chess tournament does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Here is the current state of research... You need one to complain about the lighting. A second will say he thinks the light is fine. A third suggests the tournament director be called, and number four fetches him. An aged player (5) reminisces about the lighting levels at Nottingham 1936. The director (6) can't be found, but his deputy (7) arrives. Player eight says that if they increase the lighting levels it will reflect into his eyes. Number nine says they should have fluorescent lighting. Player ten says it's just a question of replacing the dead lightbulb, but player 11 thinks the bulb hasn't been working properly since the tournament began. The deputy arbiter asks an assistant arbiter (12) to make up a sign : 'Bulb defective.' A democrat (13) suggests taking a vote on whether to change the bulb and a businessman (14) forms the lightbulb changing association (LCA) as a pressure group to argue for better lighting. The world champion (15) is elected chairman. The FIDE president (16) sets up a working party (17-20) to establish agreed lighting levels with the LCA. The LCA chairman then has a row with its other members about direct/indirect lighting, and storms off with his lawyer (21) to found the Association for Changing Lightbulbs (ACL). The challenger for the world title (22) suddenly says he will not play under FIDE lighting. Three sponsors (23-25) emerge to hold the FIDE (direct light), LCA (fluorescent) and ACL (reflected light) championships, but none can match the interest attracted by Fischer (26) playing Spassky (27) with the new Fischer lightbulb, whose incandescence increases the longer you think. The last sane player on earth (28) sneaks into the playing room to change the defective bulb, but his replacement has the wrong fitting. His scream of anguish reveals him, and he is expelled from world chess for creating a disturbance.
  
  Note: Refers to the way chess tournaments work and also very topical to a lot of recent chess politics. Credit William Hartston in YOU magazine.
  
  

• Q: How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Six--four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
  
  Q: How many SAS men does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to shout GO! GO! GO!
  
  Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
  
  Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say "Good on yer, mate!"
  
  Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
  
  Q: How many Scousers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but 200 had to apply for the job.
  
  Q: How many Liverpool supporters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 96. One to change it and 95 to get killed in the crush when the whole city turns up to watch.
  
  Note: Topical to the Hillsborough disaster.
  
  Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four - One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.
  
  

• Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
  
  Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
  
  Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
  
  Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
  
  Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
  
  Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "And that's magic !"
  
  Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
  A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
  
  Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
  A: Both of them.
  
  

• Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
  
  Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
  
  Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
  
  Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
  
  Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
  Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.
  
  Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
  
  Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
  
  Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
  
  

• Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None. "I'm not changing a thing"
  
  Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
  
  Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Proofreaders aren't supposed to change lightbulbs. They should just query them.
  
  Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
  
  Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?
  
  Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away without checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
  
  Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
  
  Note: Several of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
  
  Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity!
  
  Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
  
  

• Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
  
  Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.
  
  Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.
  
  Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.
  
  Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
  
  Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.
  
  Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: I don't know. I forgot my calculator at home.
  
  Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
  
  

• Q: How many Artificial Intelligence (AI) people does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: At least 55: The problem space group (5) [One to define the goal state, One to define the operators, One to describe the universal problem solver, One to hack the production system, One to indicate about how it is a model of human lightbulb changing behaviour], The logical formalism group (16): [One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in first order logic, One to figure out how to describe lightbulb changing in second order logic, One to show the adequacy of FOL, One to show the inadequacy of FOL, One to show that lightbulb logic is non-monotonic, One to show that it isn't non-monotonic, One to show how non-monotonic logic is incorporated in FOL, One to determine the bindings for the variables, One to show the completeness of the solution, One to show the consistency of the solution, One to show that the two just above are incoherent, One to hack a theorem prover for lightbulb resolution, One to suggest a parallel theory of lightbulb logic theorem proving, One to show that the parallel theory isn't complete. ...ad infinitum (or absurdum, as you will). ... One to indicate how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the electrician], The robotics group (10): [One to build a vision system to recognize the dead bulb, One to build a vision system to locate a new bulb, One to figure out how to grasp the lightbulb without breaking it, One to figure out how to make a universal joint that will permit the hand to rotate 360+ degrees, One to figure out how to make the universal joint go the other way, One to figure out the arm solutions that will get the arm to the socket, One to organize the construction teams, One to hack the planning system, One to get Westinghouse to sponsor the research, One to indicate about how the robot mimics human motor behaviour in lightbulb changing], The knowledge engineering group (6): [One to study electricians' changing lightbulbs, One to arrange for the purchase of the lisp machines, One to assure the customer that this is a hard problem and that great accomplishments in theory will come from his support of this effort (The same one can arrange for the fleecing.), One to study related research, One to indicate about how it is a description of human lightbulb changing behaviour, One to call the lisp hackers], The Lisp hackers (13): [One to bring up the chaos net, One to adjust the microcode to properly reflect the group's political beliefs, One to fix the compiler, One to make incompatible changes to the primitives, One to provide the Coke, One to rehack the Lisp editor/debugger, One to rehack the window package, Another to fix the compiler, One to convert code to the non-upward compatible Lisp dialect, Another to rehack the window package properly, One to flame on BUG-LISPM, Another to fix the microcode, One to write the fifteen lines of code required to change the lightbulb], The Psychological group (5): [One to build an apparatus which will time lightbulb changing performance, One to gather and run subjects, One to mathematically model the behaviour, One to call the expert systems group, One to adjust the resulting system, so that it drops the right number of bulbs.
  
  

• Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
  
  Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
  
  Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
  
  Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
  
  Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Both of them.
  
  Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
  
  

• Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
  
  Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, they forgot to declare it first.
  
  Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 24 hours--3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries...
  
  Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: 1.00000000001
  
  Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
  
  Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
  A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR socket.
  
  Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: False.
  
  Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
  A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
  
  

• Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
  
  Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
  
  Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."
  
  Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
  
  Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
  
  Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
  
  Q: How many barbershoppers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: 7. 1 to change the light bulb, 4 to sing about how much they miss the old one and 2 to sell tickets to the "afterglow".
  
  Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
  
  

• Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
  A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.
  
  Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
  
  Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Eight. Square dancers do everything in groups of eight.
  
  Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
  
  Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, they don't get up that high.
  
  Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
  
  Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
  
  Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
  
  

• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
  
  Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
  
  Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
  
  Q: How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
  
  Q: How many Thatcherites does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
  
  Q: How many John Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
  
  Q: How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
  
  

• Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.
  
  Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
  
  Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
  
  Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
  
  Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: How many do *you* think it takes?
  
  Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
  
  Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.
  
  Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
  
  

• Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
  
  Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
  
  1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
  
  2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
  
  3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
  
  NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".
  
  

• Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
  A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
  
  Q: How many NASA technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The lightbulb costs three million dollars.
  
  Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
  
  Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
  
  Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
  
  Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: There's no evidence that the change is due to evolution. What use would a mutation that produced part of a filament be?
  
  Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Evolution can only produce different shapes of light bulbs; it can never change it into an animal.
  
  Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two, the new one and the old one.
  
  

• Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
  
  Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
  
  Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
  
  Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
  
  Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.
  
  Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
  
  Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: There is nothing to change.
  
  Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
  
  

• Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"
  
  Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
  
  Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.
  
  Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
  
  Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
  
  Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
  
  Q: How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: I don't know exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss' secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
  
  Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
  
  

• Q: How many AnTir-folk does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Just one, but the new bulb had better be a halogen fog lamp!
  
  Q: How many Atlantians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: That depends, which household does it belong to?
  
  Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
  A: Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.
  
  Note: I presume a "Dune Coon" means a 3rd world peasant.)
  
  Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
  
  Note: "Supply-siders" were the force behind Reagan's early reforms, and their economic theories were just like those of Thatcher (only the Thatcherites were more extreme). They believed that if they shifted the focus of government economic policy to stimulating supply rather than demand, the business cycle would be stopped at an agreeable point and inflation would be permanently whipped. Obviously, it didn't quite work out that way.)
  
  Q: How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.
  
  Note: Ann Arbor is a where, not a who. It's the home of the University of Michigan, which has a fairly liberal reputation.)
  
  

• Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
  
  Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
  
  Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it.
  
  Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs!
  
  Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
  
  Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
  A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
  
  Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
  
  Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
  
  

• Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it? Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?
  
  Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
  
  Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
  
  Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
  
  Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
  
  Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
  A: One, if you aim well.
  
  

• Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
  
  Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
  
  Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
  A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
  
  Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
  
  Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. It turned itself in.
  
  Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
  
  Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
  
  

• Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
  
  Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
  
  Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
  A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
  
  Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
  
  Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
  
  Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None--just assume it's changed.
  
  Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
  
  Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
  
  

• Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
  
  You can unscrew a lightbulb!

• Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
  
  Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
  
  Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
  
  Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
  
  Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
  
  Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, they all just quit and go home!
  
  Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
  A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
  
  Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
  
  

• Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong.

• Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
  
  Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
  
  Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
  
  Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
  
  Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
  
  Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
  
  Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
  
  

• Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
  
  Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.
  
  Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
  
  Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
  
  Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
  
  Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
  
  Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
  
  Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out "Get Back!, Get Back!".
  
  

• Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, bankers don't change light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (Haig) One. Snap to it, soldier!
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.
  
  Q: How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a lightbulb in or not!
  
  Q: How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his lightbulb to Iran.
  
  Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
  
  Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
  
  Q: How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
  
  

• Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the other to play harp.
  
  Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about the old, wornout lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
  
  Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck...
  
  Q: How many comp.sys.intel readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 0.999999875
  
  Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
  
  Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
  
  Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
  
  

• Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
  
  Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.
  
  Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
  A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.
  
  Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
  A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
  
  Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
  
  Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there !"
  
  Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)
  
  Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
  
  

• Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.

• Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: That depends on the wage rate.
  
  Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
  
  Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
  
  Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
  
  Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
  
  Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
  
  Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
  
  Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
  
  

• Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
  
  Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
  
  Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
  A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
  
  Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
  A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
  
  Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
  A: One. It isn't too easy.
  
  Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
  A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
  
  Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
  A: Eno.
  
  Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
  A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
  
  Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They are too "Short".
  
  

• Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
  
  Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
  
  Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
  
  Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three--One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
  
  Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
  
  Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
  
  

• Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.
  
  

• Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
  
  Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
  
  Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
  
  Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.
  
  Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
  
  Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
  
  Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
  
  Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience. This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.
  
  

• Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
  A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
  
  A: One.
  Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  
  Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: "Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb."
  
  Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated by (10 000/n) where n = place in succession list.
  
  Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that well these days so ... hurry!
  
  Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
  
  Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
  
  Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
  
  

• Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
  
  Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
  
  Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
  
  Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.
  
  Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Huh? The light's out?
  
  Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: What lightbulb?
  
  Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.
  
  Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
  
  

• Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb and the other nine for crowd control.
  
  Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
  
  Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
  
  Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
  
  Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't going to hatch.
  
  Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
  
  Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
  
  Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
  
  

• Q: How many battery chickens does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 21. 1 to change the bulb, and 20 to provide the current.
  
  Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
  
  Q: Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
  A: Because it saw 2 elephants coming.
  
  Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
  
  Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
  
  Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
  
  Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.
  
  Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
  
  

• Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 15--One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
  
  Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
  A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
  
  Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: What light bulb?
  Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
  
  Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
  
  Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
  
  Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
  
  Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: That's a military secret.
  
  

• Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: The change is 90% complete.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as "None. It's a hardware problem.")
  
  

• Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
  
  A: One. You got a problem with that?

• Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
  
  Q: How many [cricket] Test Match Special commentators does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to change it, one to eat the lovely chocolate cake sent in by the Bournemouth Womens Institute, one to say "Now when was the last time we had to change a light bulb on-air - wasn't it 1989 at Lords ?" and one to comment on the lovely red bus going down the Oxford Road.
  
  Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
  
  Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
  A: They replace your fuse box.
  
  Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.
  
  Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we just find them.
  
  Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
  
  Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
  
  

• Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
  
  Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists.
  
  Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Define "lightbulb".
  
  Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as "Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks 'What are you doing ?', and walks off. But if you have a dog, it's looking up at you and thinking 'Well, I dunno what you're doing, but I love you anyway.'
  
  Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
  
  Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
  
  Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.
  
  Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "light bulb".
  
  

• Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
  
  Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
  
  Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
  
  Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two and a professor to take credit.
  
  Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
  
  Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
  
  Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
  
  Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
  
  

• Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
  A: Sigh. The Alumni pay people to do things like that for us.
  
  Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.
  
  Q: How many Princeton students does it take to screw in a lightblub?
  A: I don't know, let me call my maid.
  
  Note: Princeton has a reputation for being wealthier than the other seven.
  
  Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they can get after they graduate.
  
  Note: Not meant to offend students at the Indiana University.
  
  Q: How many Indiana University "notes" users does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Have you ever wondered why it's so dark in Bloomington?
  
  Q: How many Japanese industrialists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three--one to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
  
  Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
  
  Q: How many tight wads does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
  
  Q: How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four--One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
  
  

• Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Al Gore) As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Paul Simon) My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon's all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my light bulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on a ladder and I turn it.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Jesse Jackson) Changing the light bulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a light bulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra light bulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House.
  
  Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
  
  Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say "I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT, Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.
  
  

• Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
  
  Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
  A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
  
  Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
  
  Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
  
  Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.
  
  Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
  
  Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
  
  Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
  
  

• Q: How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
  A. None. They are so busy hogging up bandwidth taking out their postadolescent frustrations on each other, that they never get around to it!
  
  Q: How many rec.humor.funny readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: 50. They all stand out in the hall while Maddi comes out every once in a while and looks at all the light bulbs people have brought. Finally she selects a few. They're all quite feeble and burn out after a few minutes, so she comes out for more. But she selects more dim bulbs, which causes great discontent among the people who have brought really bright, long-lasting bulbs.
  
  Q: How many rec.humour posters does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: 31. One to change the lightbulb and thirty to flame them for picking the wrong wattage. No, better make that 32 ... Captain Nitpick will want to point out that the newsgroup is rec.humor (US spelling) *not* rec.humour.
  
  Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to screw them in and leave the old bulb in, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process all over again. And one (me!) to notice that this doesn't actually add up to 100.
  
  Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
  
  Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 565. 1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb), 6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from the old one, 29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately* different, and is parodying the old one, 7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6, 12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room, 14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it the first time, and 496 (a bit excessive, but it's not my joke) to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
  
  Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying "I got it", one to post in saying "Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays", one to post in saying "Our news software hasn't been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?", one to post in quoting everything so far and the words "Me too", two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with "I don't get it. Isn't this the place for FUNNY jokes ?", one to post in after two months "What's this lightbulb joke you're all talking about ?", one to repost it a month later thinking it's a new joke, one to post "I didn't get it. What's the punchline ?", one to post "Has anyone got a list of these? I'm starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes", and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by "Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?" and accompanied by all of our old favourites like "How many programmers...? None that's a hardware problem.", three to ask, a month later, "What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?", and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
  
  Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 28. One to screw in the first one, 3 to follow the first one by screwing in the exact same bulb, 20 to screw in an almost completely similar bulb with a slight difference, 3 to complain about the lighting, 1 to explain that it was not the right type of bulb for this socket, and 1 standing by displaying the canonical collection of bulbs.
  
  

• Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2]" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
  
  Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Read the man page!
  
  Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
  
  Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
  
  Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
  
  Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
  
  Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
  
  Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb version 6.1..."
  
  

• Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.
  

• Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
  
  Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.
  
  Q: How many Timothy McVeigh's does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but first you have to strip the insulation off of the electrical cord, wrap it around his legs a couple of times, then plug it in. If Mr. McVeigh is holding the light bulb at this time, it should glow quite nicely.
  
  Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Twenty - one to do it and nineteen to develop a distraction.
  
  Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Six. One to change the bulb, and 5 to take the credit when it explodes.
  
  Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.
  
  Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
  
  Q: How many members of the P.L.O. does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: 45 - One to drive the car, four to shoot the president of Sylvania's bodyguards, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with 2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building with working lights.
  
  

• Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
  
  Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
  
  Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
  
  Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
  
  Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
  
  Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
  
  Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
  
  Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
  
  

• Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
  
  Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.
  
  Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
  
  Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb."
  
  Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
  
  Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
  
  

• Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
  
  Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
  
  Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Nine thousand-after all, it's *their* light bulb.
  
  Q: How many Belgians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
  
  Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!
  
  Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.
  
  Q: How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
  
  Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
  
  Q: How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
  
  

• Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
  
  Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
  
  Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
  
  Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
  
  Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
  
  Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
  
  Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
  
  

• Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they only screw the poor.
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!
  
  Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
  
  

• Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
  
  Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
  
  Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
  
  Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Farm.
  Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.
  
  Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
  
  Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.
  
  

• Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two — One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
  Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but it sure takes a whole lot of light bulbs!

• Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
  
  Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
  
  Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
  
  Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
  
  Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name.
  
  Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!
  
  Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
  
  Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
  
  

• Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
  
  Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
  
  Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
  
  Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
  
  Note: On the Macintosh, types of crashes can sometimes be attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off and see if it crashes again.
  
  Q: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to change it, and one to sniff the first ones' butt.
  
  Q: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while you're changing it.
  
  Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
  
  

• Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
  
  Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
  
  Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Five--one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
  
  Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
  
  Q: How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
  
  

• Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
  
  Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones.
  
  Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
  
  Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Six--one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
  
  Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
  
  Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
  
  

• Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
  
  Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
  
  Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
  
  Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
  
  Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth.
  
  

• Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
  
  Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
  
  Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
  
  Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
  
  Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
  
  Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
  
  Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)
  
  

• Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
  
  Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
  
  Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
  
  Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One--but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
  
  Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
  
  Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
  
  Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
  A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
  
  Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
  
  

• Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
  
  Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.
  
  Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: All of them. Bones to say "Its dead Jim", Uhura to send a distress signal, Sulu to listen to Chekov saying "Light bulbs vere really an old russian invention", Spock to be fascinated by the illogic inherent in the early demise of the light bulb, Scotty to do the work, and Kirk to get the girl.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Bruce Babbitt) It's foolish to talk about screwing in light bulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old light bulb [stands, but nobody else does] Hah! What wimps. You guys make Bush look like Rambo.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Richard Gephart) It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US light bulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here.
  
  

• Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They're never in the dark.
  
  Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Eight. One to change the bulb, three to watch him work, one to supervise, one to make the tea, and two to phone in to say that they can't make it in to work today.
  
  Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
  
  Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and individuality."
  
  Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
  
  Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
  
  Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
  
  Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
  
  

• Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
  
  Note: I thought this was something to do with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to prove things, and finally a more complete explanation arrived in my mailbox : - A Goedel Number is one of several ways to encode a Turing Machine, the classical abstraction of a computer, or for that matter of any algorithm. The idea (as best I see it) is that if the machine knows its own Goedel Number it can simulate itself... It does come from the mathematician Goedel - partly because he used TMs in his famous theorem, I believe.)
  
  Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Why bother?
  
  Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
  
  Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.
  
  Q: How many Caidans does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Nobody knows. They can't figure out what to wear to change one.
  
  

• Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, we contract out for things like that.
  
  Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
  
  Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
  
  Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change request form.
  
  

• How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but you've got to get them in there first.

• Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in... and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...
  
  Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they have their parents do it for them.
  
  Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
  
  Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
  
  Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
  
  Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. That's a second year subject.
  
  Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
  
  Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
  
  

• Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
  
  Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
  
  Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Nurse!
  
  

• How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  None. They tell software to code around it.

• Q: Why did the lamp go on a diet?
  A: Because it wanted to get light
  

• Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
  
  Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
  
  Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
  
  

• Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: We don't know. They're still arguing about it.

• Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None: "The user can work it out."
  
  Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
  
  Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
  
  Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
  
  Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
  
  Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
  
  Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
  
  Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
  
  

• Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
  
  Q: How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five hundred and thirty-five, but only if the following conditions are met: The light bulb will not be changed in an election year. A committee will study the light-bulb situation for at least a year. Taxes will have to be raised. A fair and proportionate number of the light-bulb changers will be from minority groups. No Social Security funds will be used to change the bulb. Each state and congressional district will share in the benefits of changing the light bulb. The blame for the failure of the present bulb will be assigned to the other party. The new bulb will be twice as bright as the old bulb. Because the new bulb is twice as bright as the old bulb, it will cost 130 times as much. A Blue Ribbon Panel will investigate the light-bulb failures and issue a mega-page report to the congress. A fact-finding trip to all countries known to produce light bulbs will be made by most congressmen and their wives. The CIA will investigate the Russian light-bulb-changing system. Details of the Russian light-bulb-changing system will be sold to the Chinese by an American naval officer. The surgeon general will issue a report about the perils of over-bright light bulbs. A program to supply light bulbs to those who cannot afford them will be introduced by Tip O'Neill. President Reagan will give a speech extolling the virtues of kerosene lanterns. Tip O'Neall will initiate a program of free kerosene for the needy. And finally, each and every congressman will send every one of his constituents a newsletter describing how he managed to get the light bulb changed almost single-handedly.
  
  Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn't working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren't stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
  
  Q: How many Contract Bridge players does it take to change a Light Bulb?
  A: Five. One to change it; their partner to stare at them in complete confusion; one opposing player to ask the partner what they think the changer means by this; the other opponent to complain to the tournament director that there was a deliberate hesitation before the light bulb was changed; and the tournament director to agree and have the old bulb put back in.
  
  Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
  A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
  
  Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
  
  Q: How many CND supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They won't, because:
  
  Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
  
  Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
  
  Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
  
  

• Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
  
  Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
  
  Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
  
  Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
  
  Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
  
  Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
  
  Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
  
  Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
  
  

• How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
  
  One but the light bulb really has to really want to change.

• Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
  
  Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.
  
  Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.
  
  Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
  
  Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
  
  Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.
  
  

• Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
  
  Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it'll be architecturally accurate.
  
  Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
  
  Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
  
  Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
  
  Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
  
  Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
  
  

• Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity of the) output.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
  
  Note: SAS is a 4GL. It stands for the Statistical Analysis System and is a huge conglomerate of programs and procedures for doing a wide variety of statistical and semi-statistical analyses (not to mention reporting the results, graphing them, etc.). It is infamous for its huge array of thick manuals which are difficult to wade through, and hence one can spend a lot of time trying to find the tiny feature that will do what you want. Cary is the town in North Carolina where SAS Inc is based, and where SAS support staff are.)
  
  Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
  
  

• Q: How many sci.math readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Pi. Two hold the ladder, one the bulb, but something irrational remains about it.
  
  Q: How many alt.tla readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One-no! Six is!
  
  Q: How many alt.newbie readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Me! Me too! Me too!
  
  Q: How many alt.fan.hofstadter readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They have special lightbulbs that screw themselves.
  
  Q: How many alt.fan.douglas-adams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 42.
  
  Q: How many alt.alien.visitors readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One. (screw screw screw) Aargh! The light! I'm being abducted!
  
  Q: How many alt.1d readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Hmmm, yes, very funny, but what has this got to do with 1d ?
  
  Q: How many alt.spam readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, if you buy our newest ACME Lightbulb screwer, for only $10, from XPOSTS R US, Velveeta, Ca, USA. Contact now!
  
  

• Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
  
  Q: How many Hell's Angels does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one. But do you really want to hang upside down with a light bulb up your ass for asking??
  
  Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
  
  Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
  
  Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
  
  Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
  
  Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
  
  Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc...) But they only get three attempts.
  
  

• Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.
  

• Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*
  
  Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
  
  Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in lightbulbs.
  
  Q: How many fat-cat factory owners does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. The replacement bulbs have refused to cross the union picket lines.
  
  Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Sod you! That's the electrician's job.
  
  Q: How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
  
  Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
  
  Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
  
  

• Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
  
  Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
  
  Q: How many alt.vampyres readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None! Yecch! We LOVE the dark, stupid!
  
  Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One.
  
  Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
  
  Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
  
  Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
  
  

• Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
  A: Neither one is very bright.
  
  Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
  
  Q: How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: How many can you afford?
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection !"
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, lawyers only screw us.
  
  Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
  
  

• Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Please let us know!
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
  
  

• Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
  
  Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?
  
  Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always have to do everybody else's work anyway.
  
  Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
  
  Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
  
  Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
  
  Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
  
  

• Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
  
  Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)
  
  Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
  
  Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
  
  Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
  
  Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.
  
  

• Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, but don't expect results.
  
  Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.
  
  Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.
  
  Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
  
  Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies.
  
  Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest.
  
  Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s.
  
  Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark!
  
  Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does.
  
  Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One--and that's what his degree will be in!
  
  Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum.
  
  Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume.
  
  Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.
  
  

• Q: How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
  
  Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
  
  Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
  
  Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
  
  Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
  
  Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
  A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
  
  Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
  
  Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
  
  

• Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: How many?
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It depends : If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available. If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows. If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
  
  Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
  
  

• Q: How many Dario Argento fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two. One to change it and one to film the demise of the old one in explicit gorey detail, using obscure camera angles.
  
  Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...
  
  Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but they're really three.
  
  Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.
  
  Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so too.
  
  Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. "I can't change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."
  
  Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobody's looking, just to be certain.
  
  Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
  A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?
  
  

• Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.
  
  Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
  
  Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
  
  Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
  
  Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?
  
  Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.
  
  Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're a legitimate business expense.
  
  Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
  
  

• Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't--figured that out yet.
  
  Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
  
  Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: "Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime."
  
  Q: How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
  
  Q: How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. It's of no interest to them.
  
  Q: How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
  
  Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin' mate !
  
  Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
  
  

• Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.
  
  Q: How many alt.atheism readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Two. One to screw the bulb, one to prove that it exists anyway.
  
  Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Eight. One screws in the lightbulb, but seven more do too, due to a software bug.
  
  Q: How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Eleven. One to ask to be on the lightbulb gif mailing list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many IRC chatters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They're so busy saying hello, goodbye, and kicking each other off that no one ever has enough time to get anything done !
  
  Q: How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
  A: 300--one to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
  
  Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
  A: 2, 1 to do it and 1 to read this huge file first to check it hasn't been done already !
  
  Q: How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
  A: 1000 - One to invent the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
  
  

• Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
  
  Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
  
  Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...
  
  Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
  A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
  
  Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
  
  

• Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
  
  Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
  
  Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
  
  

• Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
  
  Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
  
  Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
  
  Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
  
  Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
  
  Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
  
  Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
  
  Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
  
  Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
  
  

• Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!
  

• How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
  NONE, they never get the house!
  

• Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
  
  Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
  
  Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
  
  Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
  
  Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Less and less all the time.
  
  Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
  
  Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
  A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
  
  Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
  A: (Mike Dukakis) In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own light bulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work for the Dept. of Light Bulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice.
  
  

• Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. That's what research students are for.
  
  Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
  
  Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.
  
  Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
  A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
  
  Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.
  
  Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it, and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
  
  Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
  
  Note: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)
  
  Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and watch the old bulb burn.
  
  

• Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
  
  Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.
  
  Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
  
  Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
  
  Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
  
  Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
  
  Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
  
  Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
  
  

• Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?"
  A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats.
  
  Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can change a lightbulb?
  
  Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
  
  Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
  
  Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
  
  Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: It can't be done. They only know how to twist things to the right.
  
  Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
  
  Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
  
  

• Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: One if at home, but on school time, four.
  
  Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
  
  Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
  
  Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
  
  Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
  
  Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
  
  Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
  
  Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
  
  

• Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
  
  Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two thirds.
  
  Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
  
  Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.
  
  Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
  Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
  
  Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
  Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
  
  Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
  
  Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
  Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
  
  

• Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One--but he has to wait until the light is better.
  
  Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
  
  Q: How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two--one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
  
  Q: How many managing editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!
  
  Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. The invisible hand does it.
  
  Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again."
  
  Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
  
  Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
  
  

• Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
  
  Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.
  
  Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
  
  Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
  
  Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
  
  Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
  A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
  
  

• Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
  A: Four--one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.
  
  Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
  
  Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman on club the other skater on the knee.
  
  Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Who who wants to know?
  
  Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?
  
  Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
  
  Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
  A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.