Sarcastic Jokes

• I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.




• If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.

• Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.

• You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.

• Sorry I didn't text you back, but my phone recognized your number.

• Want to hear a pizza joke... nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame.

• A warning shot into the head.

• It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...

• If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

• The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.

• The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

• I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

• Do you need space? Join NASA!

• Best friends: Ready to die for each other, but will fight to the death over the last slice of pizza.

• I bet you $4,567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

• The last airline I flew charged for everything. Except for the bad service. That was free.

• Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?"

• I have as much authority as the Pope, i just don't have as many people who believe it.

• See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

• I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

• I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.

• I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

• The hardest part of getting a girls phone number is working up the courage to go through her trash and get it.

• Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away.

• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

• If Mayans could predict the future, why didn't they predict their extinction?

• You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

• Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

• If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

• I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band.

• My mind wants to dance but my body is a really awkward white guy.

• As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

• [man] Excuse me, would you like to dance? [women] NO! [man] Maybe u didn't hear me.... I said u look really fat in those pants!

• My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

• I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

• The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

• One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.

• Take my advice — I'm not using it.

• Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?

• When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

• I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

• Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do!

• ‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

• Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

• I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...

• Men are fun to argue with, because even IF they win... they lose.

• Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

• I wanted to thank you personally for the like. That's why I'm in your house.

• My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

• This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.

• A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

• I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

• What makes you think this is my first time?

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

• Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!

• For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

• Cancer cures smoking.

• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

• If I throw a stick, will you leave?

• Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

• Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us.

• That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

• Crap. Something is wrong with my cell phone. {Oh Really. What is that?} Its just that...your numbers not in it.

• Cannibals like to meat people.

• Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

• War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

• Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

• There is no point of running away form a sniper. You will die from exhaustion.

• I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

• Wow, this article looks awesome.*clicks link**finds out it's a slideshow**throws computer out the window*

• Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

• A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

• Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.

• If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

• To the 20 year old girl who wrote an essay claiming she is too pretty to be allowed to lead a normal life:Same.

• I love what you've done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

• The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

• In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.

• Boy : I have a pen you have a phone number. Think of the possibilities. Girl : I have a sandal you have a face. Think of Casualties.

• My job is secure. No one else wants it.

• Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

• Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

• A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

• I know how to feed a nation…but will she eat it?

• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

• Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

• Top 3 situations that require witnesses:1) Crimes2) Accidents 3) MarriagesNeed I say more?

• I'm smiling. This should scare you.

• Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.

• How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

• Lets role play I'll be Osama, You be a cave, and I'll hide up inside you

• Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!

• I found out about you from my last nightmare.

• When he proposed to her. She found it very engaging.

• Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

• Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days

• If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

• I'm having an introvert party and you're all not invited.

• I like the sound of you not talking.

• Only an ass can be divided in half.

• Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.

• A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember.

• Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...

• Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

• Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

• THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

• If I wanted to get trapped in a scary maze, I'd just go into my kid's bedroom.

• I heard the next Steve Jobs movie will be on IMAX. It's the same movie, just on a bigger screen.

• When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

• Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

• Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.

• White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.

• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

• My first child has gone off to college and I feel a great emptiness in my life. Specifically, in my checking account.

• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

• Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face is pretty messed up!

• Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly.

• Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

• Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body.

• I always wanted to be just like my mother. Today I'm working on dramatically clutching my throat when I'm told the price of anything.

• Sorry, my dog ate your text message.

• Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women? Women working at 900 numbers.

• Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself!

• Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.

• They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.

• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

• Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.

• People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

• Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

• Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

• I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

• If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it.

• "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas?

• If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

• I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

• I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

• Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

• Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

• You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

• If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?

• Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

• The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

• Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.

• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• Miss Anders... I didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

• A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

• If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

• People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

• My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

• I'm a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.

• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

• If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

• Marriage advice for dummies: Five worst things you can do5 Abandon4 Lie3 Cheat2 Abuse1 Forget to start the dishwasher

• Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.

• Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

• I bet even your farts smell good.

• My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

• Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.

• People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

• I'm really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.

• When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

• How to lose an argument with a woman: 1) Argue.

• My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

• My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

• If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib!

• I just want to live in a world where people come with on/off switches.

• When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.

• It must be difficult to post inspirational Tweets when your blood type is B Negative.

• Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vaginas.

• Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

• I've had so much to drink that you're beginning to look good.

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

• Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.

• You're so fat, you could sell shade.

• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

• If you are here - who is running hell?

• Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

• The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

• Social life? You mean my phone?

• Yesterday, I fell down from a 10 meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

• Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.

• If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.

• I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

• Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.