Love Jokes

• A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

  However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

  After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

  “My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”




• A Love Story

  I shall seek and find you.

  I shall take you to bed and control you.

  I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

  I will make you beg for mercy.

  I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

  And you will be weak for days.

  All my love,

  The Flu

• It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

• Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

• A Love Story

  I shall seek and find you.

  I shall take you to bed and control you.

  I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

  I will make you beg for mercy.

  I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

  And you will be weak for days.

  All my love,

  The Flu

• Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

• If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits.

• Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

• Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.

• Text him again. He probably just forgot that he's in love with you.

• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

• Question: What did the bride give to the groom that loves onions?
  
  Answer: Onion Ring!

• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

• A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her – follows you behind.

• Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

• If you love a woman, you shouldn't be ashamed to show her to your wife.

• A real Don Juan has to dress not only tasteful but also very quickly.

• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

• What did the boy cat say to the girl cat on Valentine's Day? You're purrr-fect for me!

• Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

• In accordance to the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be in love right now.

• I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

• They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

• Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.

• If you love something, set it free.

  If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

  If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

  If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

  Submitted by zanny.

• All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them...

• A villager went to the city to visit his son.

  He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

  When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

  The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

  As he had no money, he went to a hotel where he found an open room and laid under the bed to rest.

  Later on that night a couple came into the room and proceeded to make love on the bed.

  The man compliments the girl and says:
  "In your eyes I can see the whole world"

  On hearing this the villager jumps out from under the bed and says:
  "If you can see the whole world, can you see where my donkey is?"

• Girl friend (whilst having a romantic dinner at a restaurant): "Say something which spurs my heart-beat"
  Boy-Friend: "I forgot to bring any money"

• A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
  
  One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.
  
  So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
  
  She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"

• An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.

• A man was sleeping on his deathbed. The man woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.

  He said, " Martha, I have something to confess to you."

  She said, "No dear, save your energy."

  He said, "I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."

  She said, " I know, I poisoned you."

• Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

• You are one well-defined function!

• What's a man's idea of a perfect date? A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

• The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".

• Have a girl that everyone else dreams about, but don't dream about a girl that everyone else has.

• Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

  When the girl got back from the date she said “That was the worst night of my life!”

  “Why is that?” her mom asked.

  “He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “He’s the original owner mom!”

  Submitted by zanny.

• I want to feel your sweet embrace but don't take that paper bag off your face!

• Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.

• This must be the 8th castle because I just found my princess.

• It's not a relationship until you argue about whose turn it is to apologize.

• Love is like peeing yourself – everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.

• Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

• No matter what has happened. No matter what you've done. No matter what you will do. I will always love you. I swear it.

• In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

• Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

• You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.

• A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
  
  “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
  
  “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

• Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

• If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

• A woman is like a pack of cards ...

  ... You need a heart to love her

  ... A diamond to marry her

  ... A club to smash her head in

  ... And a spade to bury the bitch

• Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.

• Never break someone's heart because they have only one inside...break their bones because they have 206 of them.

• How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful?

• I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

• I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?

• It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.

• My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.

• It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.

• We must be subatomic particles, because I feel strong force between us.

• Paid love costs less.

• Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love.

• You never have to worry about love at first sight if you steadfastly keep looking at your phone.

• Only a widow can say exactly where her husband is.

• We come to love not by finding a perfect person... but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

• I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.

• The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

• I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.

• Every function without you will always be void of love.

• The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.

• Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight.

• What makes you think this is my first time?

• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

• I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

• The key to every relationship is honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. ...Gonna keep typing this until she stops looking over my shoulder.

• I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

• An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

  "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

  They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

  He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

  The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

  The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
  

• Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
  Girl: You want me to leave?
  Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
  Girl: Do you love me?
  Boy: Of course. Lots!
  Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
  Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
  Girl: Will you kiss me?
  Boy: Every time I get the chance!
  Girl: Will you ever hit me?
  Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
  Girl: Can I trust you?
  Boy: Yes.
  Girl: Darling?
  
  Now Read it Backwards!

• It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!

• And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars.

• (NAME) spent most of his university days single But it was by choice. Woman chose not to date him.

• Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.

• Love helps to kill time. And time helps to kill love.

• Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

• Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

• He: Can I buy you a drink?
  She: Actually, i'd rather have the money

  He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
  She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

  He: Your face must turn a few heads.
  She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

  He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
  She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

  He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
  She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

  He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
  She: Unfertilized.

  He: I want to give myself to you.
  She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

  He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
  She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

   

• If a woman has fallen – an idiot will walk by, a gentleman will help her to get up, but a real man will lie down with her.

• Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.

• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

• A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

• You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

• It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
  

• Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

• Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

• What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

• My girlfriend told me I was one in a million.
  
  When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
  
  

• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!

• A woman is like a pack of cards ...

  ... You need a heart to love her

  ... A diamond to marry her

  ... A club to smash her head in

  ... And a spade to bury the bitch

• You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

• It is better to be on seventh heaven, rather than on the seventh month.

• There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

• Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.

• Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

• Question What is love and explain in details ?
  (16 Marks)
  
  Arts Student:
  Answer: Love is life. (Marks : 5 out of 16)
  
  Law Student:
  Answer : Love is pain. (Marks : 5 out of 16)
  
  Medical Student:
  Answer : Love is god. (Marks : 5 out of 16)
  
  EngineeringStudent:
  Answer :
  
  - Definition:
  A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated.
  
  - TYPES:
  1 sided & 2 sided
  
  - AGE:
  Usually occurs in teenagers but nowadays can be found in any age.
  
  - SYMPTOMS:
  Tension
  Daydreaming
  Insomnia
  Phone Addiction
  
  - DIAGNOSIS BY:
  Diary
  Photos
  Mobile
  
  - TREATMENT:
  Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe
  or
  Mother's Sandal.
  
  (marks 16 out of 16 ) - Excellent!
  ______________________
  NOTE :-
  Don't ask engineering students, they can stretch any thing for 16 marks!

• My love is like communism; everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory.

• If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.

• What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

• I am probably single....because i didnt forward those chain messages in 2008

• If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

• You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.

• If I ever need a heart transplant, I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

• What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend? Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

• I never loved you any more than I do, right this second. And I'll never love you any less than I do, right this second.

• What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

• Life is a comedy for those who think, but a tragedy for those who feel.

• 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

  9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

  8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

  7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

  6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

  5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

  4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

  3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

  2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

  1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

• Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

  The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

  “Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

• If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

• I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

• Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.

• I think I married someone else's soulmate. I wish they'd come get him.

• Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

• Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

• An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

  "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

  They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

  He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

  The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

  The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down."
  

• "Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."

• Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.

• If a woman is cold as a fish, a man has to be as patient as a fisherman.

• The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

• Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.

• Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.

• You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

• Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?

• I sent an angel to watch over you last night but he came back saying he can't watch porn...

• Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

• A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
  
  During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
  
  Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
  
  About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
  
  He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
  
  He sat down and wrote :
  
  Dear Mother:
  I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
  Love,
  
  Your son
  
  Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
  
  Dear Son:
  I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…
  Love,
  
  Mom
  

• Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

• A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

  Totally flattered, he replied, “No, dear they haven’t.”

  At that point she yelled, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”

• No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.

• You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.

• Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.

• Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

• What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.

• Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?

• Friends are forever. Until they get in a relationship.

• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

• A wife in big doses is poison, in small doses – medicine.

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

• He: Can I buy you a drink?
  She: Actually, i'd rather have the money

  He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
  She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

  He: Your face must turn a few heads.
  She: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

  He: Haven't I seen you some place before?
  She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

  He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
  She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

  He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
  She: Unfertilized.

  He: I want to give myself to you.
  She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

  He: Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
  She: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

   

• The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

• I think, therefore I'm single.

• Getting a red heart instead of a yellow star makes me feel like things are moving a little too fast between us.

• She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

• The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

• A man is running after a woman, just until she catches him.

• A woman is like a suitcase: both hard to carry and a pity to throw away.

• A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

  "What dear?" She asked gently.

  "I think you bring me bad luck."

• A villager went to the city to visit his son.

  He had no money so his donkey was his only transportation.

  When he reached the city he went to pee at the corner at the street, but while peeing the donkey ran away.

  The old villager spent all day looking for his beloved donkey, but as the night fell he decided to find a place to rest.

  As he had no money, he went to a hotel where he found an open room and laid under the bed to rest.

  Later on that night a couple came into the room and proceeded to make love on the bed.

  The man compliments the girl and says:
  "In your eyes I can see the whole world"

  On hearing this the villager jumps out from under the bed and says:
  "If you can see the whole world, can you see where my donkey is?"

• Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I'm feeling a connection.

• There is 1 thing 2 do 3 words 4 you I LOVE YOU.

• A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

  "What dear?" She asked gently.

  "I think you bring me bad luck."

• 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

  9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

  8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

  7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

  6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

  5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

  4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

  3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

  2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

  1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

• "Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?"

• Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

  “How so?” his friend asks.

  “Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

  “Was that not love?” his friend asks.

  “No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

  “Was that not love?”

  “No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

  “Was that not love?” his friend asks.

  “No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”

  Submitted by zanny.

• An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

  A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

  “What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

  “Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

  “A rose?” asked the neighbor.

  “Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”

• Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

• Updating your relationship status in public is fine. Updating your relationship problems in public is stupidity.

• The less you love a woman, the faster your hand gets tired.

• Love is not the number of times you kissed her, but the number of moments you were dying to kiss her.

• A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

  Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
  he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

  The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
  and asked him the following questions:

  “Have you any grounds”?
  “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home”.

  “No, I meant what is the foundation of this case”?
  It’s made of concrete

  “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge”?
  “No, we have carport, and not need one”.

  I mean, what are your relations like?
  “All my relations still in Poland”.

  “Is there any infidelity in your marriage”?
  “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player”.

  “Does your wife beat you up”?
  “No, I always up before her”.

  “Is your wife a nagger”?
  “No, she white”.

  “Why do you want this divorce”?
  “She going to kill me”.

  “What makes you think that”?
  “I got proof”.

  “What kind of proof”?
  “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
  bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”

• Confucius says Love one another. If it doesn't work, just interchange the last two words.

• Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

• Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting or has multiple restraining orders against me?

• Love – is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

• "Why don't you trust me?", she texted both the guys simultaneously.

• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.

• I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

• I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.

• A man was sleeping on his deathbed. The man woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.

  He said, " Martha, I have something to confess to you."

  She said, "No dear, save your energy."

  He said, "I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."

  She said, " I know, I poisoned you."

• I love the F5 key. It´s just so refreshing.

• My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.

• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.