School Jokes

• Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
  Student: "At the bottom of the page!"




• Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school.
  
  When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral.
  
  The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad."
  
  Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused.
  
  The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you."
  
  Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

• What is a teacher's favorite kind of music? Class-ical.

• John: Knock, knock.Justin: Who’s there?John: Gladys.Justin: Gladys, who?John: Gladys the weekend—no homework!

• What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

• Twin brother were in a same class. Teacher ask them to write their father’s name. They wrote different name. Teacher was shocked and ask them why did they wrote the different names. They reply, ” Now you wont say that we cheated”.

  Submitted by Rimpi.

• O Lord, hear my anxious plea
  
  Calculus is killing me
  
  I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
  
  And probably won't until the day I die.
  
  Please, Lord, help me in this hour
  
  As I take my case to the highest power.
  
  I care not for fame or loot
  
  Just help me find one square root.
  
  And Lord, please let me see
  
  One passing mark in organic chemistry.
  
  Oh such a thing I constantly dread
  
  I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
  
  Lord, please give me a sign
  
  That you've been listening all the time.
  
  Please lead me out of this constant coma
  
  And give me a shot at my diploma.
  
  

• At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
  
  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

• "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl."Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl."No.""I'm the principal's daughter.""And do you know who I am?" asked the boy."No," she replied."Thank goodness!"

• It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:“Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:“Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

• Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

• An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

• Teacher: Ramu, why do you always get so dirty?Ramu: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

• Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.One boy throws his bag out the window.Teacher: who just threw that?!Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

• It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

• Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
  A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

• Peter: What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?Ted: What?Peter: A teacher says, “Spit out that gum!” and a train says, “Chew! Chew!”

• Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

• The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.

  A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

  The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

• Teacher: You are suppose to come at 7am!
  
  Student: What?! What happened on 7am? What did I miss?
  
  
  

• Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
  A: They're all seniors.

• Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

• Emailing professors be like:
  
  *polite greeting
  *multiple paragraphs
  *perfect grammar
  
  Professor's reply:
  
  ''Sure."
  -Sent from my iPhone

• Boy: “I’ve just had the most awful time. First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”Friend: “Wow! How did you pull through?”Boy: “I don’t know. Toughest spelling test I ever had!”

• The child comes home from his first day at school.Mother: “What did you learn today?”Kid: “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

• I don’t want to go to school,” said a son to his father. “Why not,” asked the father. “I don’t feel well.” “Where don’t you feel well,” the father asked. “At school!”

• Teacher: "In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia?"Pupil: "Holding up the telegraph lines!"

• Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
  
  Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
  
  The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
  
  Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
  
  The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
  
  To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
  
  The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
  
  A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  
  The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
  
  The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
  
  To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  
  Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
  
  Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
  
  Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
  
  A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
  
  The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
  
  The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
  
  We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
  
  English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
  
  By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
  
  If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
  
  Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  
  Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
  
  A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  
  A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
  
  Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  
  A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
  
  The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
  
  When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
  
  It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
  
  Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
  
  For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
  
  For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
  
  For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  
  For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
  
  For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
  
  To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  
  For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  
  For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
  
  For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
  
  Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  
  Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
  
  When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
  
  When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
  
  "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
  
  A girl raised her hand and asked,
  
  "To draw out all his savings?"

• What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says ‘chew chew chew’.

• These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
  
  1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.
  
  2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
  
  3. Twitch a lot.
  
  4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
  
  5. Buy a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
  
  6. Become a subgenius.
  
  7. Pretend to type in the middle of the air. Complain about how slow the computer has been recently.
  
  8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
  
  9. Speak in tongues.
  
  10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
  
  11. Walk and talk backwards.
  
  12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
  
  13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
  
  14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
  
  15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.
  
  16. Carry old orange juice around with you everywhere you go.
  
  17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
  
  18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  
  19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  
  20. Move your mouth when you're silent and move your mouth as little as possible when you talk.
  
  21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  
  22. Eat only lemons. Every five minutes, offer your roommate a lemon.
  
  23. Whenever your roommate turns your way, begin frowning.
  
  24. Smile. All the time.
  
  25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.
  
  26. Write your roommate's name in big print on hundreds of pages of paper. Leave pages all over the room. If he asks about it, say you didn't write it.
  
  27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  
  28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
  
  29. Apoligze to your roommate. If he asks why, tell him that he should know better than you.
  
  30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  
  31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
  
  32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
  
  33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
  
  34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  
  35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
  
  36. Leave a marble in your roommate's bed every day.
  
  37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
  
  38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
  
  39. Paint your half of the room black.
  
  40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  
  41. Shave one eyebrow.
  
  42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
  
  43. Put horse radish in your roommate's shoes.
  
  44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  
  45. Always flush the toilet three times.
  
  46. While you're roommate is there and you are not, secretly order a pizza up to him using his name.
  
  47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  
  48. Give him/her an allowance.
  
  49. Listen to radio static.
  
  50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
  
  51. Cry a lot.
  
  52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
  
  53. Talk to yourself loudly in front of your roommate. After a while, begin discussing your roommate with yourself.
  
  54. Complain of having a terrible virus in your system and cough at your roommate frequently.
  
  55. Tell your roommate that it's your birthday--every day.
  
  56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
  
  57. Take your roommate's pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.
  
  58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.
  
  59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
  
  60. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
  
  61. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
  
  62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
  
  63. Follow him/her around on weekends.
  
  64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
  
  65. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
  
  66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
  
  67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
  
  68. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
  
  69. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
  
  70. Let mice loose in his/her room.
  
  71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
  
  72. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
  
  73. Skip to the bathroom.
  
  74. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
  
  75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.
  
  76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
  
  77. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
  
  78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
  
  79. Burn incense.
  
  80. Eat moths.
  
  81. Collect Chia-Pets.
  
  82. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
  
  83. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
  
  84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
  
  85. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
  
  86. Don't ever flush the toilet.
  
  87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
  
  88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
  
  89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
  
  90. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again."
  
  91. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
  
  92. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
  
  93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
  
  94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
  
  95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
  
  96. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
  
  97. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
  
  98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
  
  99. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
  
  100. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
  
  101. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
  
  102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
  
  103. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
  
  104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
  
  105. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
  
  106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here, somewhere."
  
  107. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
  
  108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
  
  109. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
  
  110. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
  
  111. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
  
  112. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
  
  113. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
  
  114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
  
  115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
  
  116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
  
  117. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.
  
  118. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
  
  119. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
  
  120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
  
  121. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
  
  122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
  
  123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
  
  124. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"
  
  125. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
  
  126. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
  
  127. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
  
  128. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
  
  129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
  
  130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
  
  131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).
  
  132. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native- American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
  
  133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
  
  134. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
  
  135. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
  
  136. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
  
  137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
  
  138. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
  
  139. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and complaining.
  
  140. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
  
  141. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
  
  142. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
  
  143. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
  
  144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner...."
  
  145. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me."
  
  146. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
  
  147. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
  
  148. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
  
  149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
  
  150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
  
  151. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
  
  152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
  
  153. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
  
  154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
  
  155. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
  
  156. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
  
  157. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
  
  158. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
  
  159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
  
  160. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
  
  161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
  
  162. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
  
  163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
  
  164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
  
  165. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
  
  166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
  
  167. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
  
  168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
  
  169. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
  
  170. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
  
  171. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
  
  172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
  
  173. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
  
  174. Constantly slip and fall--on your carpet.
  
  175. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
  
  176. Invite the school President to sleepover.
  
  177. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
  
  178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.
  
  179. Walk into walls.
  
  180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
  
  181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
  
  182. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
  
  183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
  
  184. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
  
  185. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
  
  186. Wear a silly hat.
  
  187. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
  
  188. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
  
  189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you?re afraid of aliens.
  
  190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
  
  191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
  
  192. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
  
  193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantalope and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
  
  194. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
  
  195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
  
  196. Leave strange outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
  
  197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don't know what he's talking about.
  
  198. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
  
  199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.
  
  

• A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

• Q: What vegetables to librarians like?A: Quiet peas.

• How are you getting on with your exams?”
  “Not bad. The questions are easy enough – it’s the answers I have trouble with!”
  

• David: Why did the broom get a poor grade in school?Dan: I don’t know. Why?David: Because it was always sweeping during class!

• You're like school in the summertime - no class.

• A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

• Q: What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?A: The Food!

• They wanted something long and hard.....I gave them MY HOMEWORK!

• Why did the student eat his homework?Because his teacher said, it was a peace of cake.

• Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms--so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.
  
  They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.
  
  Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.
  
  They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be an easy final". They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.Tracy: What do you mean?Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up...

• Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong? Pupil: I don’t know, nobody I know owns one!

• The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot of incorrect information.
  
  The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
  
  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
  
  Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
  
  Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
  
  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
  
  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
  
  Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
  
  Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  
  In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
  
  The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  
  The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
  
  The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  
  During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
  
  One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
  
  Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  
  George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
  
  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  
  Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.
  
  Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  
  France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children.
  
  The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
  
  The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
  
  

• Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

• Teacher: Why are you late?Ramu: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Ramu: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

• It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
  “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.
  ” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:
  “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

  Submitted by raja.

• Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
  
  15 minutes looking for assignment.
  
  11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
  
  23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
  
  8 minutes in the bathroom.
  
  10 minutes getting a snack.
  
  7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
  
  6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
  
  10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
  
  

• Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

• Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
  Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

• Jimmy: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?Teacher: no, of course not.Jimmy: good, because i didn't do my homework.

• Teacher: “How can you prove the earth is round?”Boy: “I can’t. Besides, I never said it was.”

• "Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy."Why not, son?""Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.""But why don't you want to go today?""Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

• Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"Ramu: "The moon".Teacher: "Why?"Ramu: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in theday time when we don't need it".

• Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

• In clas: 1+1=2Exam: John has four apples and gives one away. Calculate the mass of the sun.

• TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.FATHER: What's that?TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

• The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She bolted upright,pointed her finger and corrected him, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”

• A science teacher tells his class, "Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it."

• Teacher: Now, Ramu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?Ramu: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

• A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a prostitute!"Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what do you care about what she does after work?"

• The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

• The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”

  Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

  Submitted by raja.

• The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

• Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
  Kid 1: "As if."
  Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
  Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
  Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

• Teacher: “You missed school yesterday, didn’t you?”Boy: “Not a bit!”

• Teacher:Maria please point to America on the map.Maria:This is it.Teacher:Well done. Now class, who found America?Class:Maria did.

• After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
  
  Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
  
  Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
  
  Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”
  
  Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
  
  Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”
  
  Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.
  
  Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
  
  He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.

• Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
  Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
  
  Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
  Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
  
  Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
  Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
  
  Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
  Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."
  
  Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
  Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.
  
  Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
  Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
  
  Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
  Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
  
  Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
  Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.
  
  Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
  Senior: Has own personal workstation.
  
  Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
  Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
  
  Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
  Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.
  
  Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
  Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm
  
  Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
  Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
  
  Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
  Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
  
  Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
  Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night
  
  Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
  Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house
  
  Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
  Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
  
  Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
  Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
  
  

• A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.“And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.“I don’t know,” the student said.“Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.“That’s not true,” the student replied.“I never pay attention anyway!”

• Teacher: Be sure that you go straight homeStudent: I can't, I live just round the corner!

• On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
  
  "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory is to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Second violation will be a $60 fine. Third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
  
  A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

• Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."Father: "Why?"Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"Father: "But that's right!"Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"Father: "What's the fucking difference?"Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

• Q: What are a blonde's first words after graduating college?
  A: "Would you like fries with that?"

• One day, a young boy was asked by his teacher to tell him what the chemical formula for water was. The boy replied with "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O".The Teacher was stunned. "That's not right, how did you come up with that?"The boy said, "Last week you said it was H2O!"

• Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
  A: It's okay. He woke up.

• Man: "How's your history paper coming?"
  
  Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful.
  
  Man: "Really?"
  
  Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
  
  

• Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

• It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
  
  The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
  
  "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
  
  "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
  
  "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."
  
  The student looked incredulous and angry.
  
  "Do you know who I am?"
  
  "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
  
  "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.
  
  "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
  
  "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
  
  

• One day in class, the teacher says:"Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?""Simple Lost tense!"

• TEACHER: Give me the opposite of this sentence…. “CHILDREN IN THE DARK MAKES MISTAKES.”
  
  TASYA: Mistakes in the dark can make children!

• The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented thefather, “is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

• Fred came home from his first day at school."Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her."

• The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”. A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he wascheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x).”

• There were three guys at a bar.

  One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.

  The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.

  So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "

  As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"

• Students in the class(-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-) (-_-)When teacher say tomorrow will be exam(O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O) (O_O)(O_O)During the exam(?_?) (?_?) (?_?) (?_?) (?_?)(?_?)When monitor comes in(?_?) (?_?) (?_?) (?_?) (?_?)In the end of the exam(?????) (?????) (?????) (?????) (?????) (?????)

• Why did the teacher jump into the lake? Because she wanted to test the waters!

• It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present.She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers"."How did you guess?" asked the little boy.She laughed and thanked him.The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present.She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy.""How did you guess?" asked the little boy.She again laughed and thanked him also.The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking.The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked."No," said the little girl.So she tasted it again."Is it champagne?" she asked."Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

• (True story)
  
  A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
  
  On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
  
  After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
  
  The student received an "A" on the exam.
  
  

• One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept.A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information""To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted."It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

• 1. Quarters are like gold.
  
  2. Be creative in the dining hall.
  
  3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
  
  4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
  
  5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
  
  6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
  
  7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
  
  8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
  
  9. Showers become less important.
  
  10. Sleep becomes more important.
  
  11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
  
  12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
  
  13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
  
  14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
  
  15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
  
  16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.
  
  17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
  
  18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
  
  19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
  
  20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
  
  21. Labs used to be fun.
  
  22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
  
  23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.
  
  24. E-mail becomes your second language.
  
  25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
  
  26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
  
  27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
  
  28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
  
  29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
  
  30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
  
  31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
  
  32. Roadtrip whenever possible.
  
  33. Pick up all new lingo.
  
  34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
  
  35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
  
  36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
  
  37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
  
  38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.
  
  39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
  
  40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
  
  41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
  
  42. It was never this bad when you got sick.
  
  43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
  
  44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.
  
  45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!
  
  46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
  
  47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
  
  48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
  
  49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
  
  50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
  
  51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
  
  52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
  
  53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
  
  54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
  
  55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
  
  56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
  
  57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
  
  58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
  
  59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
  
  60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
  
  61. You almost forget how to drive.
  
  62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
  
  63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
  
  64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
  
  65. The girl you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
  
  66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.
  
  67. You never realized how cool you can be.
  
  68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
  
  69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
  
  70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
  
  71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
  
  72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
  
  73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
  
  74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties...
  
  75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
  
  76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
  
  77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
  
  78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
  
  79. Procrastination becomes an art.
  
  80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
  
  81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
  
  82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
  
  83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.
  
  84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
  
  85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
  
  86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
  
  87. Classes: the later the better.
  
  88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
  
  89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
  
  90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
  
  91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
  
  92. You just don't learn last names.
  
  93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
  
  94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
  
  95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
  
  96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
  
  97. Boys will dance in college.
  
  98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
  
  99. You are never alone.
  
  100. You find out what beer sludge is.
  
  101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
  
  102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
  
  103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
  
  104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
  
  105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
  
  106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
  
  107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
  
  108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
  
  109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
  
  110. Your life will never be the same again.
  
  

• The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

• One day the kids in Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her.Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't believe in God.Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created mankind?"Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?""No.""Hear God?""No.""Feel God?""No." This went on for quite a while."Well then God doesn't exist."Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's brain. No, so that must not exist."

• I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

• Q. What's the king of the pencil case?A. The ruler.

• The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

• Teacher: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?Father: No. Why do you ask that?Teacher: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

• Teacher: "I killed a person, tell me this sentence in future tense."Student: "In future tense, You will go to jail."

• How many students does it take to change a light bulb?"Is it worth any bonus marks?"

• Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "t".Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.

• Your first job will be to sweep the floor.
  
  But I'm a college student the young man replied.
  
  In that case give me the broom - I'll show you how.
  
  

• by Robert Chen
  
  You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
  
  1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
  
  2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
  
  3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
  
  4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
  
  5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
  
  6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.
  
  7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.
  
  8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool.
  
  9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
  
  10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall--to every person in the dining hall.
  
  11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.
  
  12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.
  
  13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.
  
  14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, "Hey!" and shake your head.
  
  15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.
  
  16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If you're not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their meal.
  
  17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!"
  
  18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.
  
  19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.
  
  20. Same as above, but with burgers.
  
  21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some."
  
  22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.
  
  23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.
  
  24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
  
  25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.
  
  26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
  
  27. Practice singing.
  
  28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.
  
  29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.
  
  30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
  
  31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
  
  32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts."
  
  33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j."
  
  34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full.
  
  35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk.
  
  36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"
  
  37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.
  
  38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not real Froot Loop eaters.
  
  39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything unfinished.
  
  40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please."
  
  41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
  
  42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.
  
  43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.
  
  44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone's shoes look.
  
  45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.
  
  46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
  
  47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone's food.
  
  48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.
  
  49. Request a waitress.
  
  50. Comment on how good the food is.
  
  

• "Mommy, all the kids at school say I'm a werewolf! Is that true?""No, of course not. Now shut up and comb your face."

• It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt."
  
  The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
  
  The little girl said, "Happy Butt."
  
  The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
  
  The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?
  

• Chad: Why do magicians do so well in school?Josh: I don’t know. Why?Chad: They’re good at trick questions.

• A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
  
  "What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
  
  "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."
  
  "What do you mean `all wet?'"
  
  "I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
  
  

• Teacher: "Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?"
  Student: "A heart attack."

• The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, “What do you like best about it, class? Let’s start with you, Robert.”Robert: “The artwork.”Teacher: “Very good. And you, Peter?”Peter: “Her tits!”Teacher: “Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?”Johnny: “I’m leaving, teacher, I’m leaving…”

• Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

• Yo're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering.

• Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.”Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”

• Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
  Student: "A dead bird, sir."

• Recently our speaker had to discontinue several of his long talks on account of his throat. Several people threatened to cut it.
  
  

  ---

  You have heard it said before that this speaker needs no introduction. Well, I have heard him and he needs all the introduction he can get.
  
  

  ---

  Our speaker needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion.
  
  

  ---

  Our speaker will not bore you with a long speech...he can do it with a short one.
  
  

  ---

  You've been a wonderful audience...you stayed.
  
  

• Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team?
  A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts.

• Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk:
  
  10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound
  4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound
  2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound
  2 bars soap at $.83 each
  
  "How much does that come to?" asked Larry.
  
  "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents."
  
  "If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy.
  
  "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions.
  
  Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."
  
  

• What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

• M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
  "Have some fries."
  
  Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
  "Have some fries."
  
  Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
  "Have some fries."
  
  Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
  "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
  
  Swarthmore: "I got a B."
  "Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
  
  Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
  "Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
  
  Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
  "Nope. Have some fries."
  
  Williams: "Don't I know you?"
  "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
  
  Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
  "Bummer. Have some fries."
  
  Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
  "Me too. Let's go get shot."
  
  Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
  "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
  
  Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
  "Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
  
  Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
  "Have some beer."
  
  Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
  "Here, drink the fry grease."
  
  

• A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??""Absolutely anything."His voice turns to a whisper."Would you...study?"

• Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"Ramu: "It's a family tradition".Teacher: "What do you mean?"Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".Teacher: "What about your mother?"Ramu: "She's a woman".

• Q: How did the pirate get through School?A: By sailing on high C's.

• What did the music teacher need a ladder for? To reach the top notes.

• What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!

• In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed whereas in college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

• Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

• A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil." Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any pencils. We don't have any pencils."Student, with a look of astonishment: "Where have all the pencils gone?"

• A boy tells his friend that he has a crush on his teacher. The second boy says, ‘Man, that is disgusting.’ The first boy says, ‘What? Everyone has a crush on their teacher.’ The second boy says, ‘Yeah, but you’re home-schooled.’

• There were three guys at a bar.

  One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.

  The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.

  So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "

  As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"

• Teacher: Can you tell me where Napoleon came from? Pupil: Course I can. Teacher: Very good.

• Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
  Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

• One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, "There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don't fear anything."After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.After hesitating, they all did it."Next," the professor said, "you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger."

• A teacher asked her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence. Johnny raised his hand and said, "My mom was shoveling the driveway and my dad said, 'At this rate, it will take that cunt ages.'"

• Teacher: “If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”Boy: “Seven!”Teacher: “No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”Boy: “Seven!”Teacher: “Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?”Boy: “Six.”Teacher: “Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?”Boy: “Seven!”Teacher: “How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?”Boy: “I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!”

• Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "In kindergarten, I learned not to piss on my hands."

• Teacher: “Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?”Johnny: “I don’t know.”Teacher: “Bark, Johnny, bark.”Johnny: “Bow, wow, wow!”

• Teacher: If you eat fish?Student: It's good for my eyes.Teacher: If you don't eat fish?Student: It's good for the fish!

• By R. J. Heathorn (* PUNCH, May 9, 1962)
  
  A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk.
  
  The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK.
  
  Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need replacement.
  
  Anyone can use BOOK, even children, and it fits comfortably into the hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.
  
  How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work? Basically BOOK consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These may run to hundreds where BOOK covers a lengthy programme of information. Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order.
  
  To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a "binding".
  
  Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns it over and further information is found on the other side.
  
  By using both sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing both the size and cost of BOOK. No buttons need to be pressed to move from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK, or to start it working.
  
  BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder for any required information sequence.
  
  A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOKmark. This enables the user to pick up his programme where he left off on the previous learning session. BOOKmark is versatile and may be used in any BOOK.
  
  The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast range of BOOKs is available, covering every conceivable subject and adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK, small enough to be held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.
  
  Once purchased, BOOK requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.
  
  BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the programme schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.
  
  Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
  
  

  ---

  A Boss' response:
  
  BOOK* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:
  
  "It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.
  
  "Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases." and "BOOKs may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.
  
  "the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.
  
  I'd suggest the inventors return to their consoles and do a thorough associative search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this nonsense.
  
  

• Teacher: “Why are you late?”Boy: “Because of a sign down the road.”Teacher: “What does a sign have to do with your being late?”Boy: “The sign said, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow!’”

• “Dad, can you write in the dark?”“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”“Your name on this report card.”

• Teacher: Daniel, I’ve had to send you to the principal every day this week. What do you have to say for yourself?Daniel: I’m glad it’s Friday!

• Teacher: Ramu, give me a sentence starting with " I ".Ramu: I is...Teacher: No, Ramu. Always say, "I am."Ramu: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

• What is the longest word in the English language?Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!

• A mother picked her son up from school and began to ask him about his day. “How do you like your new teacher,” she asked. “I don’t. She told me to sit in the front of the class for the present. But then she didn’t end up by giving me one!”

• Dear Parent(s), Date:
  
  I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
  
  Please send me:
  
  __ Money (Cash) Amount: _____
  __ Food (Cookies) Dozens: _____
  __ Clean clothes!
  
  Relationships:
  
  __ What?
  __ I am in love with myself.
  __ I am in love!
  __ I am engaged.
  __ I got married last weekend.
  
  My Roommate:
  
  __ Worships the ground I walk on.
  __ Gave me a black eye.
  __ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
  __ Has fleas.
  
  My Professors are:
  
  __ Sadistic water walkers.
  __ Mental institution escapees.
  __ Brain dead nerds.
  __ Super oxygen thieves.
  
  Latest News:
  
  __ I wrecked the car.
  __ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
  __ You are going to have a grandchild.
  __ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild.
  
  Food:
  
  __ Is great!
  __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
  __ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
  __ I stopped eating out of fear.
  
  Grades:
  
  __ I am making all A's
  __ I am not being properly challenged
  __ I will be home after this semester
  __ I never knew they had a letter grade below F
  
  I study:
  
  __ Night and day
  __ All the time
  __ Eighty hours a week
  __ Only on Sunday afternoon
  __ None of the above
  
  Daily Devotions:
  
  __ I read my Bible everyday
  __ I can't read
  __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar
  
  On my last visit home, I left:
  
  __ My glasses.
  __ My paper that was due yesterday.
  __ The clothes you washed for me.
  __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
  __ Other ____________________________.
  
  Please send above items by FedEx (Priority One) or UPS (Blue).
  
  Laundry:
  
  __ My white underwear is now _______.
  __ I am saving money by not using detergent.
  __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
  __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.
  
  My room:
  
  __ Can pass your "white glove" test.
  __ Is only ___% full.
  __ Could not be located last Saturday night.
  __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.
  
  Parties:
  
  __ I don't inhale
  __ I only go to meet people
  __ Haven't been to one since this morning.
  
  Hope you:
  
  __ Miss me
  __ Can live without me
  __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
  
  Salutation:
  
  __ Your Daughter,
  __ Your Son,
  __ Yours,
  
  

• "It's clear" said the teacher, "That you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?""Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

• Teacher: You boy, what’s your name? Boy: Mickey Jones. Teacher: We’ll call you Jones here. We don’t use first names. Boy: My dad won’t like that – he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name.

• Father: "You've got 4 D's and a C on your report."Son: "Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject..."

• An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter "H" they should ignore the "H" as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, "Please heat my rice for me." When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, "Where is my food?" The assistant replied, "You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignored the 'H.'"

• Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?A: Because 69's a mouthful.

• A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
  
  On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
  
  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
  
  Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

• Teacher: "I will call your parents!"Elementary student: "No! I’ll be a good boy!"Junior High School Student: "Pffff… Anyway…"High School Student: "Send my mother my greetings!"

• School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.

• Teacher: "Why are you so late?"
  Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."
  Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"
  Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

• Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

• Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
  A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

• A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

• A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''

• Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give5 to Priya,3 to Sonia and2 to Penny then what will you get?""3 new Girlfriends!"

• One morning a boy walks in to class lateHis substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

• Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim!

• A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature."What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter."I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

• TEACHER : What is further away, Australia or the Moon?Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night.

• Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

• Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"Sam: "I don't know."Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

• The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

• What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?"Why does it work?"What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?"How does it work?"What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?"How much will it cost?"What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?"Do you want fries with that?"

• These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

  1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  7. This child has been working with glue too much.

  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

  11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
  

• Ramu: Dad, can you write in the dark?Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?Ramu: Your name on this report card.

• Teacher: “If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?”Boy: “Somebody else’s pants.”

• A teacher:"John, I hope I won't see you're cheating."John:"Me either."

• A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

• 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
  
  2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
  
  3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
  
  4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
  
  5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
  
  6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
  
  7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
  
  8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
  
  9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
  
  10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
  
  11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
  
  12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
  
  13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
  
  14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
  
  15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
  
  16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible.
  
  17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
  
  18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
  
  19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
  
  20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
  
  21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
  
  22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
  
  23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
  
  24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have
  
  25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
  
  26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
  
  27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
  
  28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
  
  29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)
  
  30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he)
  
  31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
  
  32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
  
  33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
  
  34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
  
  35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
  
  36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
  
  37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

• Seems like school and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

• My room + internet connection + music + food – homework = perfect day.

• One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

• Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night. You got mayonnaise in my eye!"

• One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?""You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"

• At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
  
  Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
  
  Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

• Q: What comes before 8?A: My school bus usually.

• After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

• The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?"Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."

• I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

• Ms.Battle: Henry, I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.Henry: I hope you didn't either.

• A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.""Yes, sir," the boys said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted, "It's because yer feet ain't empty."

• It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning.(The Fast and The Furious)It doesn't matter if you pass the semester by getting 40% or 95%.Passing's passing.

• Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows? He wanted to be very clear!

• A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.
  
  His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
  
  "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
  
  So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
  
  "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
  
  "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
  
  "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

  “Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

  Submitted by Rajan.

• How many schoolteachers does it take to change a light bulb?None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

• Jan 3rd, 1995
  I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!
  
  Jan 4th, 1995
  Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia.Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
  
  They: Do you know what you're doing?
  Me: This is Belgium, right?
  They: You have a masters in English?
  Me: I have a Red Volvo!
  They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
  Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
  
  I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.
  
  Jan 5th, 1995
  Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.
  
  Jan 6th, 1995
  I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
  
  Jan 7th, 1995
  I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
  
  Jan 8th, 1995
  I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
  
  Jan 9th, 1995
  Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical.
  
  Jan 12th, 1995
  My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received
  
  Jan 13th, 1995
  A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.
  
  Jan 14th, 1995
  Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.
  
  Jan 16th, 1995
  Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
  
  Jul 17th, 1995
  Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
  
  Jul 18th, 1995
  Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.
  
  Jul 21st, 1995
  My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.
  
  Jul 24th, 1995
  I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.
  
  Oct 24th, 1995
  Exam day.
  Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.
  
  Oct 27th, 1995
  I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.
  
  

• Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:"When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

• Teacher: Students draw a picture of bacteria.Student: Here it is Mam!Teacher: Where? It Is Blank.Student: you told that bacteria cannot be seen with naked eye!

• A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did, and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out."I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed."I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."

• An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”“I’m surprised,” said the owner. “I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor. “But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”

• Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.

• Son: I can't go to school today.Father: Why not?Son: I don't feel so well.Father: Where does it hurt?Son: In school.

• A student called her best friend and said that she had some great news.“The teacher told me that we had to do a test today in rain or shine,” she told her.“Why is that great,” her friend asked. “It’s snowing today!”

• Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card." Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

• When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom? Because there are no pupils to see!

• Teacher: Students, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Class: "Brotherly love."

• Teacher: "Are you good at math?"Pupil: "Yes and no."Teacher: "What do you mean?"Pupil: "Yes, I'm no good at math!"

• Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

• The teacher asked Willy, "If you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?" Willy immediately answered, "Seven!"

• Teacher: Billy, how do you spell "Crocodile"? Billy: ‘K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' Teacher: No, that's wrong Billy: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

• A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
  
  "Yes, sir," the boys said.
  
  "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
  
  A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
  
  

• Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there is lots of school spirit!

• A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
  
  

  As you shall make your bed so shall you..........mess it up.Better be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.Strike while the ..............................bug is close.It's always darkest before............daylight savings time.You can lead a horse to water but.......................how?Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.A miss is as good as a...................................Mr.You can't teach an old dog new.........................math.If you lie down with the dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.The pen is mightier than the...........................pigs.An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.Where there's smoke, there's......................pollution.Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.A penny saved is...................................not much.Two's company, three's.......................the musketeers.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,cry and..........................you have to blow your nose.Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded.When the blind leadeth the blind.........get out of the way.

• A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy’s picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. ‘The flight to Egypt,’ he replied. ‘I see… And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,’ she said. ‘But who’s the fourth person?’ ‘Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!’

• Joey and Katie are sitting in school.Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question."Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil."Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie."Correct." Says the teacher.So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims."Correct again." Says the teacher.So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

• Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.Class: Hooray!Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

• One day, a teacher walks into her classroom to start the lesson. She walks up to the board and sees in little writing the word "penis". She thinks nothing of it and wipes it off. The next day, she comes in and sees the word "penis", only this time it"s a little bit bigger. She wipes it off again. Sure enough, the next day she comes in and sees "penis" on the board a little bigger. This proceeds until the end of the year when finally, it"s across the whole board. The teacher wonders what"s gonna happen the next day since it"s taking up all the space on the board. When she came in the next day but doesent find "penis". This time she finds written, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets".

• A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
  
  "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.
  
  "I don't know," the student said.
  
  "Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
  
  "That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"
  
  

• This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
  
  1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
  
  2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
  
  3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
  
  4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
  
  5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
  
  6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
  
  7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
  
  8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
  
  9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
  
  10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
  
  11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
  
  12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
  
  13. Sing your questions.
  
  14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
  
  15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
  
  16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
  
  17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
  
  18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
  
  19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
  
  20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
  
  21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
  
  22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
  
  23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
  
  24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
  
  25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
  
  26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
  
  27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
  
  28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
  
  29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
  
  30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
  
  31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
  
  32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
  
  33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
  
  34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
  
  35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
  
  36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
  
  37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
  
  38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
  
  39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
  
  40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
  
  41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
  
  42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
  
  43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
  
  44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
  
  45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
  
  46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
  
  47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
  
  48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
  
  49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
  
  50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
  
  This above was written by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
  
  

• A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school."The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!"The mom says back, "You should go because you're the principal!"

• Teacher: "What is the future tense of the statement: 'I had killed a thief'?"
  Student: "You will go to jail."

• Little Kelvin's darkest day was when he was asked by his mathematics teacher to solve a problem on the board. The question was asking for the answer to 2+3.
  
  He knew he couldn't solve that so he glanced towards his bright friend for help. His friend willing to help but fearing to speak out loud, showed him his palm as a silent indication to the answer.
  
  So little Kelvin drew the palm.

• The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

• A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
  
  He asked for help and she could see why. She tried pulling and pushing, but the boots still didn't want to go on.
  
  When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
  
  She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
  
  He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
  
  He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
  
  She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
  
  He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

• PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I did not do?"
  
  TEACHER:" Of course not."
  
  PUPIL: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

• One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information"
  
  "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
  
  A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
  
  "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.
  
  

• A student called into school as his father in the hopes of getting out of school that day. “My son had the flu and can’t make it to school today,” he said. “Who is this speaking,” said the secretary. "This is my father!”

• Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"

• On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?" At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

• A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do. “The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

  The little girl replied, “My homework.”

  Submitted by raju.

• In the beautiful world of fantasy, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

• Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
  
  After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
  
  "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
  
  "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
  
  "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
  
  "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing on my bagpipes."
  

• Phil: What makes a Cyclops such an effective teacher?Cheryl: I don’t know.Phil: He has only one pupil.

• Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the....Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

• A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"He answered, "Because there was extra time."

• Two fathers chat outside school in the morning;"Bill, have you solved your son’s math problems?""Yes, man, I did. Why?""Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them...?"

• If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

• A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”“Yes, sir,” the boys said.“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

• I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

• DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year.DEPT OF RELIGION: Grade is determined by God.DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade?LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable.DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: Random number generator determines grade.MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

• "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant."You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter.""Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

• One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up. After a minute a young man stands up. The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot. The boy replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

• Q: What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students?
  A: A blood test.

• A kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page illustrating several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, “What flag is this?” Little Sue called out, “That’s the flag of our country.” “Very good,” the teacher said. “And what’s the name of our country?” Little Sue answered, “Tis of thee.”

• Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
  
  Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.
  
  Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
  
  Student: Yes, Sir.
  
  Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
  
  Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
  
  

• A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
  
  "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
  
  "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
  
  "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
  
  The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
  
  

• Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!An ideal homework excuseTeacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the schoolTeacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?Pupil: That’s not fair!You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

• Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
  A: A chalkboard.

• 1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
  
  2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
  
  3. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
  
  4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
  
  5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
  
  6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
  
  7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
  
  8. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
  
  9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
  
  10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
  
  11. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
  
  12. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
  
  13. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
  
  14. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
  
  15. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
  
  16. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
  
  17. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
  
  18. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
  
  19. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
  
  20. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
  
  21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
  
  22. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
  
  23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
  
  24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
  
  25. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
  
  26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
  
  27. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
  
  28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
  
  29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
  
  30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
  
  31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
  
  32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
  
  33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
  
  34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
  
  35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
  
  36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
  
  37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
  
  38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
  
  39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
  
  40. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
  
  41. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
  
  42. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
  
  43. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
  
  44. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
  
  45. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
  
  46. Address students as "worm".
  
  47. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
  
  48. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
  
  49. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
  
  50. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!
  
  

• A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?” The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”

  The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”

  Submitted by raju.

• A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

• Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus four?"Class: "At once!"

• On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

• Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fred (surprised): Why not? Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!

• Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?”Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind. Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough. And three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”

• A college economics professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his student. "And who is known as the father of modern economics?" the professor asked."I don't know," the student said."Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Wilson, you would know," said the professor."That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

• Teacher: "Alex, stop showing off. Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"Alex: "No, Miss."Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"

• Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?Student: You told me not to use tables.

• A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

• Ever since I took geometry at school, my life has turned around 360 degrees.

• Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

  "Correct." Says the teacher.

  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

  "Correct again." Says the teacher.

  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

• As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
  
  We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
  
  WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
  
  WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
  
  CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
  
  HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
  
  CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
  
  ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
  
  READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
  
  THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
  
  PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
  
  NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
  
  ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
  
  NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
  
  PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
  
  COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
  
  HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
  
  IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
  
  The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
  
  

• A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
  
  "It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
  
  "Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
  
  The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
  
  "Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
  
  

• An announcement came over the intercom for the college students: "Will the students who are parked on the wrong side of the Parking area please move their cars." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the three hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

• Boy: “Isn’t the principal a dummy!”Girl: “Say, do you know who I am?”Boy: “No.”Girl: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”Boy: “And do you know who I am?”Girl: “No,”Boy: “Thank goodness!”

• Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.15 minutes looking for assignment.11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.8 minutes in the bathroom.10 minutes getting a snack.7 minutes checking the TV Guide.6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

• Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home.

  One boy throws his bag out the window

  Teacher : who just threw that?!

  Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

  Submitted by tousif.

• A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?”The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

• Teacher: Why can’t you work in an orange juice factory?Student: I don’t know. Why?Teacher: Because you can’t concentrate!

• A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

• A teacher asked a student to write 55.Student asked: How?Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!The student wrote 5 and stopped.Teacher: What are you waiting for?Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

• Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
  A: Spelling.

• Jordan: My teacher says I have to write more clearly.Mom: That’s a good idea, Jordan.Jordan: No, it’s not. Then she’ll know I can’t spell.

• Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

• Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good!

• Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?Ramu: "HIJKLMNO"!!Teacher: What are you talking about?Ramu: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

• A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”Harry: “9?.Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”Harry: “36?.And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.”The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”The principal and Harry both agree.The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”Harry, after a moment, “Legs.”Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!Harry replied, “Pockets.”Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”Harry: “Pants”Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"Harry: CoconutThe principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"Harry: "Bubblegum"Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: "Shake hands"Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?"Harry: "Yep."Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."Harry: "Tent"Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first."Principal was looking restless and bit tense.Harry: "Wedding Ring"Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."Harry: "Nose"Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."Harry: "Arrow"Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?"Harry: "Firetruck"The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”

• Dear Father,
  
  $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
  
  Love,
  Your $on.
  
  After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
  
  Dear Son,
  
  I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
  
  Love,
  Dad
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

• These are actual student evaulation comments taken from an MIT course evaluation guide in the fall semester of 1991.
  
  "This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
  
  "Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."
  
  "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
  
  "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
  
  "Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
  
  "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."
  
  "In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."
  
  "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."
  
  "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
  
  "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
  
  "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."
  
  "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class."
  
  "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
  
  "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
  
  "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."
  
  "He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
  
  "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
  
  "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
  
  "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
  
  "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in."
  
  "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."
  
  "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
  
  "TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
  
  "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."
  
  "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text."
  
  "What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"
  
  

• Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"
  Son: "I don't have it."
  Dad: "Why?"
  Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

• "Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?""Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"

• Kids' Views on School
  
  A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother.
  
  "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"
  
  

  ---

  On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What did you do at school today?"
  
  The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".
  
  Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?"
  
  The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?"
  
  

• Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.

• Hunter: What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?Josh: Beats me.Hunter: Pop quizzes!

• Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?Ramu: A teacher.

• A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
  
  "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
  
  When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
  
  "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

• It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
  
  

• A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
  
  

• The art teacher instructed her students to do a self portrait.When Andrew handed his picture in, the teacher took one look at it and said, "But, Andrew,this isn’t you.""That’s right," replied Andrew."It’s a self portrait of someone else."

• Teacher: Ramu, how do you spell "crocodile"?Ramu: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"Teacher: No, that's wrongRamu: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

• A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

• On a Chemistry exam at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill.
  
  In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. L
  
  Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx? The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

• Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

  Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

  "Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

  "Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

  "Correct." Says the teacher.

  So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

  "Correct again." Says the teacher.

  So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

  Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

• Teacher: At the end of this ruler is a stupid student (pointing at student).
  
  Narrator: The student got detention for say "Which end?"

• One morning a boy walks in to class late

  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"

  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"

  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"

  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

• A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?” The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!”The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”

• Teacher: "What is the largest city?"
  Student: "Electricity!"

• Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah’s ark. On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms”.The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleepingstudent’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

• Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.
  
  During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.
  
  After a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.
  
  Mideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
  
  In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.
  
  The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
  
  The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
  
  After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
  
  Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.
  
  The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
  
  History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.
  
  Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
  
  Great Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.
  
  A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
  
  Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.
  
  World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.
  
  Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
  
  The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
  
  According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.
  
  

• College student1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible.17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class21. If your social life consists of a date with the library22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he)31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes37. If you get more e-mail than mail.

• Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven."
  Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Six."
  Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
  Johnny: "Seven!"
  Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
  Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

• "Well, children," said the cannibal cooking teacher. "What did you make of the new English teacher?" "Burgers, ma'am."

• Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?""A cat!" said Suzy."Good job. Now, what's this animal?""A dog!" said Ricky."Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad.""I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

• All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

• Father: Son this time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.Son: No father I'll score 100% marks.Father: Why are you kidding?Son: Who started?

• A private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers... and then there are educators.

• The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

• Teacher: "What is the present tense for the sentence 'I killed someone'?"
  Student: "The present tense would be 'I am in prison.'"

• Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school?Leonard: Why?Jacob: She had bright students!

• "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
  
  --Groucho Marx
  
  1890-1977
  
  

  ---

  This reminds me of the student who began his Middle Ages story with:
  
  "He was a dark and stormy knight...."
  
  

  ---

  In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
  
  Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
  
  

  ---

  Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
  
  A: The teacher says "Get that gum out of your mouth", where as the train says "Chew, Chew ".
  
  

  ---

  "The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people."
  
  

• The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.

  A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

  The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

• If homework goes too easy you are doing it wrong.

• The teacher said to the children: "In a paddock, there were twelve sheep. Six of them got out by jumping over the fence. How many sheep left behind?""None", little Jim say."None?" says the teacher surprised. "Jim, you’re clueless in math.""And you, misses, are clueless in sheep! As soon as the first sheep jumps out, the other will follow as well!"

• A mother went to pick up her daughter from elementary school and found her doing handstands against the wall. When they got into the car, the mother said, "Darling, I wish you wouldn't do that because the boys can see your panties." "Okay, mommy," the little girl replied. The next day, the mother noticed her little girls hands looked dirty, so she asked, "You haven't been doing handstands again and letting those boys see your panties, have you?" "Oh no, mummy," the daughter replied. "Honestly! I took them off first."

• Teacher: Can anyone give me a sentence with a direct object?Student: You are pretty.Teacher: What’s the direct object?Student: A good report card.

• A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
  
  A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• A schoolteacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

• A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

  “Yes, sir,” the boys said.

  “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

  A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

  Submitted by raja.

• Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
  A: "Nobody's perfect!"

• Mother: Come on Pete you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for the college.Peter: O mum do I have to, all the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me too.Mother: Yes you do.Peter: Give me a good reasonMother: You're 52 and you are the Principal!

• This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back.""I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks."To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

• A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

• The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.
  
  1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
  
  a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don’t make your eyes water.
  
  b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
  
  c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
  
  d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
  
  2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
  
  a. They don’t own an accordion.
  
  b. Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
  
  c. When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
  
  d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says "cockroaches are people too."
  
  3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line. You:
  
  a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
  
  b. You write a fantasy paper titled, "What if Shakespeare was born a pig?" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, "Piglet."
  
  c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’ days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
  
  d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
  
  4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
  
  a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
  
  b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
  
  c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
  
  d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.
  
  5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
  
  a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, "food fight!"
  
  b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
  
  c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
  
  d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
  
  6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your college application you don’t mention:
  
  a. In high school you were voted "most likely to become a political prisoner."
  
  b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
  
  c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
  
  d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
  
  7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:
  
  a. You’re asked to pledge "Geek."
  
  b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
  
  c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
  
  d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.
  
  8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
  
  a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
  
  b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
  
  c. You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
  
  d. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you’re paying attention.)
  
  9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
  
  a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
  
  b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
  
  c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
  
  d. Speak in tongues.
  
  10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
  
  a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
  
  b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
  
  c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
  
  d. All of the below.
  
  

  Scoring your test:For each A - add 5 points.For each B - divide by 1.377 points.For each C - multiply by 0 points.For each D - subtract 500 points.For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.

  If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!
  
  

• Teacher: Where are the Great Plains located?Tommy: At the great airports!

• A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

• Joe: What’s the king of all school supplies?Moe: I don’t know. What?Joe: The ruler.

• 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
  
  2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
  
  3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
  
  4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
  
  5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
  
  6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
  
  7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
  
  8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
  
  9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
  
  10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
  
  11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
  
  12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
  
  13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
  
  14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
  
  15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
  
  16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it tastes terrible.
  
  17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
  
  18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
  
  19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
  
  20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
  
  21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
  
  22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap
  
  23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
  
  24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have
  
  25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
  
  26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
  
  27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
  
  28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
  
  29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)
  
  30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he)
  
  31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
  
  32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
  
  33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
  
  34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
  
  35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
  
  36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
  
  37. If you get more e-mail than mail.
  
  

• 1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  
  2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  
  3. Employ the vernacular.
  
  4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  
  5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  
  6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
  
  7. Contractions aren't necessary.
  
  8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  
  9. One should never generalize.
  
  10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  
  11. Comparisons are as bad as clich?s.
  
  12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  
  13. Be more or less specific.
  
  14. Understatement is always best.
  
  15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  
  16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  
  17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  
  18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  
  19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  
  20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  
  21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  
  22. Don't never use a double negation.
  
  23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
  
  24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  
  25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  
  26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  
  27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  
  28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  
  29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  
  30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
  
  31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
  
  32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  
  33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  
  34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  
  35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  
  36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  
  37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  
  38. The adverb always follows the verb.
  
  39. Last but not least, avoid clich?s like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
  

• A student decides he wants to skip school one day
  
  Student (on phone): Hello. I am calling to inform the school that my son will not be able to attend school today.
  
  School: And who is this?
  
  Student: This is my mom!

• It was the first day of school. Harry's mother went into his bedroom and said, "Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today."
  "But I don't want to go to school," replied Harry, "I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school"?
  "Because," answered his mother, "you're a teacher!"

• Luke: Why did the M&M go to school?Stan: I’m stumped.Luke: Because he really wanted to be a Smartie!

• These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.

  1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

  2. I would not allow this student to breed.

  3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  7. This child has been working with glue too much.

  8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

  10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

  11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
  

• Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

• The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
  
  One boy says: “Elephant.”
  
  Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
  
  The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
  
  The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
  
  The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”
  

• TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
  
  Student: A teacher.
  

• One day at school, little Jimmy needed to go to the restroom so he raised his hand. The strict substitute teacher asked him to say the full alphabet before she would let him go. "But Miss, I am bursting to go," said Jimmy. "You may go, but after you say the full alphabet." "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z," he said. Catching his mistake, the substitute asked, "Jimmy, where is the 'P?'" He answered, "Halfway down my legs, Miss."

• In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
  
  Auburn University.
  Brown University.
  Chrome Yellow University.
  Neon Pink University.
  
  Northern Illinois University.
  Southern Illinois University.
  Eastern Illinois University.
  Western Illinois University.
  Northeastern Illinois University.
  Northwestern Illinois University.
  Southeastern Illinois University.
  Southwestern Illinois University.
  North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
  
  Yale University.
  Cole University.
  Weiser University.
  Kwikset University.
  
  Harvey Mudd College.
  Roger Mudd College.
  Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
  My Name Is Mudd College.
  
  King's College.
  Queen's College.
  Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
  Ten's College.
  Ace's College.
  
  Texas A&I University.
  Texas A&M University.
  North Carolina A&T University.
  Tennessee C&W University.
  Michigan R&B University.
  New Jersey M&M University.
  San Francisco S&M University.
  
  Governors State University.
  Lieutenant-Governors State University.
  Secretaries of State State University.
  State Comptrollers State University.
  
  University of Tennessee Space Institute.
  University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
  Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
  
  Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
  Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
  Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
  Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
  Lawrence Welk National Labs.
  
  Argonne National Labs.
  Kryptonne National Labs.
  Xenonne National Labs.
  Radonne National Labs.
  
  Concordia University.
  Discordia University.
  Misericordia University.
  
  University of Wisconsin - Madison.
  University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
  University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
  University of Wisconsin - Stout.
  University of Wisconsin - Porter.
  University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
  University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
  University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
  
  Purdue University.
  Louis Rich University.
  Hormel University.
  Oscar Mayer University.
  
  Drexel University.
  Ethan Allen University.
  Seidel University.
  La-Z-Boy University.
  
  George Washington University.
  James Madison University.
  Chester A. Arthur University.
  Millard Fillmore University.
  Spiro T. Agnew University.
  J. Danforth Quayle University.
  
  McMaster University.
  McSlave University.
  McTop University.
  McBottom University.
  
  Wright State University.
  Wrong State University.
  Altered State University.
  UnState University.
  Out of State University.
  
  McGill University.
  McScale University.
  McFin University.
  McTail University.
  McOperculum University.
  
  McNeese State University.
  McNeffew State University.
  McAuntt State University.
  McUnccle State University.
  
  Seton Hall University.
  Seton Vestibule University.
  Seton Bathroom University.
  Seton Bedroom University.
  
  Sam Houston State University.
  Sam Walton State University.
  Sam I Am State University.
  Son of Sam State University.
  
  South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
  Colorado School of Mines.
  Wyoming School of Ditches.
  Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
  
  BU.
  BYU.
  NYU.
  BYOB.
  
  Clemson University.
  Jebson University.
  Abnerson University.
  DaisyMaeson University.
  
  Clarkson University.
  Loisson University.
  Jimmyson University.
  
  Stephen F. Austin State University.
  Steve Austin State University.
  Bionic Woman State University.
  
  Tufts University.
  Locks University.
  Bald Spot University.
  
  Tulane University.
  Forlane University.
  Atelane University.
  
  Baruch College.
  The Weizmann Institute.
  Hofstra University.
  Brandeis University.
  Carasso University.
  
  Emory University.
  Nail Clippor University.
  Polish Removor University.
  
  Fordham University.
  Chryslerporkshoulder University.
  Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
  
  Universite' de Montre'al.
  Universite' Laval.
  Universite' Trudeau.
  Universite' Mulroney.
  
  University of Central Florida.
  University of EPCOT Center.
  University of Disney World.
  
  Bowie State University.
  Butcher State University.
  Ginsu State University.
  Swiss Army State University.
  
  Angelo State University.
  Giuseppe State University.
  Mario State University.
  Cosa Nostra State University.
  
  Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
  NEC Research Institute.
  
  Florida Atlantic University.
  Florida Pacific University.
  Florida Indian University.
  Florida Arctic University.
  
  Carnegie Mellon University.
  Carnegie Cucummber University.
  Carnegie Zucchinni University.
  
  College of William and Mary.
  College of Bonnie and Clyde.
  College of George and Gracie.
  College of Frankie and Johnny.
  College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
  College of Ronnie and Nancy.
  College of Andy and Fergie.
  
  Cornell University.
  Wheatell University.
  Barleyell University.
  Buckwheatell University.
  
  Dartmouth University.
  Dartnostril University.
  Dartrectum University.
  
  Duke University.
  Viscount University.
  Baronet University.
  Knight University.
  Commoner University.
  
  Ferris State University.
  Roller Coaster State University.
  
  Florida International University.
  Florida National University.
  Florida State University.
  Florida County University.
  Florida Local University.
  Florida Neighborhood University.
  Florida Backyard University.
  Florida Garage University.
  
  Grand Valley State University.
  Small Valley State University.
  Piffling Little Valley State University.
  Large Flood Plain State University.
  
  Hunter College.
  Fisherman College.
  Camper College.
  Backpacker College.
  
  Lehigh University.
  Lelow University.
  Leinbetween University.
  
  Colgate University.
  Crest University.
  Gleem University.
  Close-Up University.
  Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
  
  Nova University.
  Duster University.
  Pinto University.
  Super Beetle University.
  
  Old Dominion University.
  New Dominion University.
  Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
  Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
  
  IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
  IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
  IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
  
  Southern Methodist University.
  Southern Baptist University.
  Primitive Baptist University.
  Holy Roller University.
  
  Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
  Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
  Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
  Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
  
  Our Lady of the Angels College.
  Our Lady of the Elms College.
  Our Lady of the Night College.
  
  Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
  Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
  Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
  
  Grinnell College.
  Smilell College.
  Smirkell College.
  
  Dalhousie University.
  Sandboxie University.
  Playgroundequipmentie University.
  
  Simon Fraser University.
  Simon Magus University.
  Simon Templar University.
  Simon Legree University.
  
  Illinois Benedictine College.
  Illinois Dominican College.
  Illinois Trappist College.
  Illinois Carthusian College.
  
  Illinois Benedictine College.
  Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
  Illinois Drambuie College.
  Illinois Grand Marnier College.
  
  Kent State University.
  Winston State University.
  Marlboro State University.
  Camel Wides State University.
  
  College of Wooster.
  College of Jeeves.
  College of Pinker.
  College of Fink-Nottle.
  
  Villanova University.
  Bossa Nova University.
  Chevy Nova University.
  
  Slippery Rock State College.
  Crocodile Rock State College.
  Jailhouse Rock State College.
  Rock Around the Clock State College.
  Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
  
  Smith College.
  Jones College.
  John Doe College.
  John Q. Public College.
  
  Sarah Lawrence College.
  Sarah Bernhardt College.
  Sarah Jane Smith College.
  Sara Lee College.
  
  Holy Apostles College.
  Holy Names College.
  Holy Family College.
  Holy Toledo College.
  
  Sweet Briar College.
  Sweet and Sour Briar College.
  Twice Cooked Briar College.
  Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
  
  Grambling State University.
  Smroking State University.
  Drrinking State University.
  Whroring State University.
  
  Creighton University.
  Cardboard Bachson University.
  Shipping Contaigneron University.
  Mailing Tyoobon University.
  
  Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
  Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
  Soy Polytechnic Institute.
  A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
  Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
  
  Case Western Reserve University.
  Case Eastern Loquacity University.
  Case Southern Charm University.
  Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
  
  Tuskegee Institute.
  Hornegee Institute.
  Antleregee Institute.
  
  Oberlin College.
  Oberkellner College.
  Oberkommando College.
  Oberbuergermeister College.
  
  Millikin University.
  Rutherferd University.
  Schroedingor University.
  Einsteen University.
  
  Bowling Green State University.
  Bowling Alley State University.
  Bowling Pin State University.
  Bowling Jacket State University.
  Bowling Shoes State University.
  Bowling Trophy State University.
  
  Bob Jones University.
  Bob Hope University.
  Bob Barker University.
  Bob Newhart University.
  Bob Evans Restaurant University.
  J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.
  
  Open Bible College.
  Closed Bible College.
  Open Just a Crack Bible College.
  Liberty Baptist College.
  Equality Baptist College.
  Fraternity Baptist College.
  French Revolutionary Baptist College.
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• The Professor was teaching his students, and asked them "What's the difference between complete and finished"?
  The students all look amazed, with no answers
  Well says the Professor "if you marry the right person, your life is complete"
  However if you marry the wrong person, you life is finished
  BUT if you sleep with the wrong person and the right person finds out?
  You are completely finished!

• To: Professor _______________
  From: ____________________
  
  I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:
  
  __1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
  
  __2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
  
  __3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
  
  __Medical School
  __Graduate School
  __Dental School
  __Fraternity/Sorority
  __The Mickey Mouse Club
  __Tri County Tech
  
  __4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
  
  __5. I'll lose my scholarship.
  
  __6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.
  
  __7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
  
  __8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
  
  __9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
  
  __10. You are prejudiced against:
  
  __ Males
  __ Blacks
  __ Females
  __ Jews
  __ Catholics
  __ Whites
  __ Protestants
  __ Minorities
  __ Chicanos
  __ Students
  __ People
  
  __11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
  
  __12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
  
  __ mono
  __ broken baby finger
  __ acute alcoholism
  __ pregnancy
  __ VD
  __ fatherhood
  
  __13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
  
  __14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
  
  __15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
  
  __16. The lectures were:
  
  __ too detailed to pick out important points.
  __ not explained in any sufficient detail.
  __ your class was far too boring.
  __ all jokes and not enough material.
  __ all of the above.
  
  __17. This course was:
  
  __too early, I was not awake.
  __at lunchtime, I was hungry.
  __too late, I was tired.
  
  __18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
  
  __19. Other reason: __________________.
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• Q: What do elves learn in school?
  A: The Elfabet.

• Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
  A: It improves di-vision.

• What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

• Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!Ramu: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

• Teacher: "Jill, where is the America on the map?"
  Jill: "Right there, ma'am."
  Teacher: "Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America."
  Jack: "Jill."

• Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

  Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” A little boy on the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”

  Submitted by raja.

• A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
  
  "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
  
  He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
  
  "Anything."
  
  His voice softens. "Anything??"
  
  "Absolutely anything."
  
  His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
  “A what?” “It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”
  

• Why don’t some teachers like to break wind in public? Because they’re private tooters.

• Now I Lay Me
  Down to Study,
  I Pray the Lord I
  Won't Go Nutty.
  
  If I Should Fail to
  Learn this Junk,
  I Pray the Lord
  I Will Not Flunk.
  
  But If I Do,
  Don't Pity Me at All,
  Just Lay My Bones
  In the Study Hall.
  
  Tell My Prof
  I Did My Best,
  Then Pile My
  Books upon My Chest.
  
  Now I Lay Me
  Down to Rest,
  And Pray I'll Pass
  Tomorrow's Test.
  
  If I Should Die Before I Wake,
  That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.
  
  

• Teacher: Be sure that you go straight homeStudent: I can't, I live just round the corner!

• Mom: What did you do at school today?Mark: We did a guessing game.Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam.Mark: That’s right!

• Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.Shamu: Here it is!Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?Ramu: Shamu!

• The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
  
  A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
  
  

• A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

• Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an "A" in lunch.

• A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

• A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider."Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks."To take away the pain," sobs the little girl."What do you mean?" the teacher asks."Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

• One night 4 MBA students were outing till late night and didn`t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt. They then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.Then dean was a just person so he said that you can have the retest after 3 days. They said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this was a special condition test.All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 2 questions with total of 100 marks:Q.1. Write down your name –(2 marks)Q.2. Which tyre burst — (98 marks)

• Teacher : " Which is the best month to study....?"
  
  Student : " Octembruary."
  
  Teacher : " Don't be silly. There's no month like that."
  
  Student : " Exactly.... "

• Teacher: “How do you spell “dog”?”Boy: “D, o, g, enter.”

• Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
  One boy throws his bag out the window.
  Teacher: Who just threw that?
  Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

• A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a sissy." The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

• Two young men applied for an engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
  
  Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.
  
  The manager went up to one of the guys and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
  
  The engineer said, "But why, we both got nine questions right?"
  
  The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
  
  The engineer asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
  
  The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I'."

• Mother: What did you learn in school todaySon: How to write.Mother: What did you write?Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

• In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

• Nate: Why was school easier for cave people?Kate: Why?Nate: Because there was no history to study!

• Chintu: "You never study, so how come you don't fail your math tests?"
  Pintu: "Because whenever there is a math test, I don't go to school!"

• Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.Mary: No madam! I will not be able to attend it.Teacher: Why?Mary: My mother will not allow me to go so far!

• The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
  

• Teacher: What makes you see?Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!

• Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?Student: A teacher!

• Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
  Student: "My father's check book!"

• Are you a tehcnical geek?
  
  Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
  
  You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
  
  When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
  
  When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
  
  When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
  
  When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
  
  When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
  
  When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
  
  When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
  
  When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
  
  When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
  
  When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
  
  When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
  
  When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
  
  When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
  
  When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• This guy went to school and he asked"May I use the bathroom?"The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."The teacher asked "Where's the p?He replied, " running down my leg!"

• It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
  
  The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!" The girl replied, "How did you know?"
  
  "Just a lucky guess," she said.
  
  Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, "Just a lucky guess.''''"
  
  Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box''''s corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, "No." She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
  
  Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
  
  He said happily, "A puppy!"

• 1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  
  2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
  
  3. Employ the vernacular.
  
  4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  
  5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  
  6. Remember to never split an infinitive.
  
  7. Contractions aren't necessary.
  
  8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  
  9. One should never generalize.
  
  10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
  
  11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  
  12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
  
  13. Be more or less specific.
  
  14. Understatement is always best.
  
  15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  
  16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  
  17. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  
  18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  
  19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  
  20. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  
  21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  
  22. Don't never use a double negation.
  
  23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
  
  24. Do not put statements in the negative form.
  
  25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  
  26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  
  27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  
  28. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  
  29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  
  30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
  
  31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
  
  32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  
  33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  
  34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  
  35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  
  36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  
  37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
  
  38. The adverb always follows the verb.
  
  39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
  
  

  Visit the next joke about this topic!
  

  Return to the school jokes page
  
  

• Teacher: "I wished you would pay a little attention."Pupil: "I'm paying as little as I can!"

• A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked."I don't know," the student said."Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor."That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

• How many students does it take to change a light bulb?None, Light bulb changing isn't in the course notes.

• Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?Donald: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.Teacher: What are you talking about?Donald: Yesterday you said it was H to O.

• Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do?Christy: I'd climb a tree.Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree?Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim.Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you?Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?

• A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”

  “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”

  “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”

  “What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.

  The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

  Submitted by raja.

• Johnny's teacher told the class to say a sentence using the word beautiful twice. A girl sitting next to Johnny said, "My mother put on a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." The teacher said "Very good." Johnny raised his hand and said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

• There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister
  "What's the first letter?"
  She said "Shut up!"
  Then he asked "what's the second letter?"
  She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
  Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?"
  His dad said "Go! Go! Go!"
  "What's the fourth letter?"
  "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?"
  His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
  
  The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?"
  "Shut up!"
  "Are you trying to get in trouble?"
  "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
  "Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
  "Go! Go! Go!"
  "How many spankings do you want?
  "64! 64! 64!"
  "Who do you think you are?"
  "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
  

• Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
  
  Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
  
  Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
  
  Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
  
  Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.
  
  Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol.
  
  CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research.
  
  Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.
  
  Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.
  
  Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
  
  Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.
  
  Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)
  
  Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements.
  
  Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released.
  
  Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.
  
  En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science.
  
  Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time.
  
  Exhaustive Methylation:A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion.
  
  First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.
  
  Flame Test: Trial by fire.
  
  Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along.
  
  Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life.
  
  Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
  
  Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered.
  
  Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER).
  
  Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease.
  
  Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
  
  Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.
  
  Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer.
  
  Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).
  
  Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
  
  Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.
  
  Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS).
  
  Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).
  
  Publish or Perish:The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members.
  
  Purple Passion:A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol.
  
  Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state.
  
  Rate Equations:(Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added.
  
  Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.
  
  Sagan: The international unit of humility.
  
  Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile.
  
  SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".
  
  Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors.
  
  Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.
  
  Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).
  
  X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read.
  
  Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.
  
  

• Teacher: “Suppose there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?”Boy: “None.”Teacher: “None? You don’t know your arithmetic!”Boy: “Teacher, you don’t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!”

• I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.

• Twin brother were in a same class. Teacher ask them to write their father’s name. They wrote different name. Teacher was shocked and ask them why did they wrote the different names. They reply, ” Now you wont say that we cheated”.

• A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

• The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

  A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

  Submitted by raja.

• Boy: The principal is so dumb!Girl: Do you know who I am?Boy: No...Girl: I am the principal's daughter!Boy: Do you know who I am?Girl: No...Boy: Good! *walks away*

• Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
  Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
  
  Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
  
  Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
  
  Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
  
  Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
  
  Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
  
  Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
  
  Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
  
  Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
  
  Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
  
  General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
  
  History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
  
  Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
  
  Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
  
  Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
  
  Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
  
  Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
  
  Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
  
  Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
  
  Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
  
  Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
  
  Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
  
  Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
  
  Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
  
  

• Girl: “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”Mother: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”Girl: “My homework.”

• Boy: “Isn’t the principal a dummy!”Girl: “Say, do you know who I am?”Boy: “No.”Girl: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”Boy: “And do you know who I am?”Girl: “No,”Boy: “Thank goodness!”

• It was the toughest experience of my life.
  
  First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
  
  Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
  
  These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
  
  Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.
  
  I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
  

• 1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do not answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.
  
  2. Of course there is no need to record any messages on a piece of paper.
  
  a. you would have to actually walk towards the kitchen to get to the pad of paper which requires that you write down a name and check off a few boxes
  
  b. but more importantly, all roommates have mental telepathy and are aware that if you tell the party on the phone that he/she will be called back at the callee's first free moment, the callee will telepathically be aware of this
  
  3. Don't buy anything for the apartment, use and abuse other roommates items until they are destroyed and wait for them to buy a new one (case example: the spatula).
  
  4. Feel free to leave any and all dirty dishes wherever you please, certainly one of your roommates has taken classes in house-cleaning 101 and will clean up after you. Just because you are big enough to make a mess shouldn't obligate you to be big enough to clean it up.
  
  5. If you wake up at 6:45 am and need to take a shower, be sure to lock the bathroom door! Your roommates should be able and considerate enough to drive to the nearest gas station to use the toilet. Also, make sure that you take a 40 minute shower--it really stinks when a roommate leaves for work early and you have to take the bus.
  
  6. Leave all electrical appliances, especially the lights on at all times--we are paying for the apartment, and there is no need to conserve energy--let other less important people do that.
  
  7. If you need to use the phone late at night and it is in your roommates room, be sure to wake them up when you go to remove it. It's important that they know you are going to make a phone call to your dog!
  
  8. Make sure that when you answer the phone you are as rude as possible to whoever is calling so that they won't call back and bother you again--how dare they interrupt whatever it is that you are not doing!
  
  9. Never, ever, ever, ever empty the trash--if your roommate won't do it, just let the apartment stink. You were not born a garbage man, so why lower yourself to that level especially when you are a princess?
  
  10. If your roommate has a car and drives to work, feel free to ride with her, but don't bother to offer her any money for gas. This is the 90's and gas is free for all Summer Interns.
  
  11. Make sure that you leave as much hair as possible on the bathroom sinks and in the shower. Don't clean out your brush over the trash can, of course your roommates want to look at pieces of your broken hair each and everytime they go to the bathroom.
  
  12. Don't ever throw out any of your food that may be moldy because it was buried behind all the stuff that is piled in the refrigerator. Mold is a beautiful thing and everyone likes to watch it develop through its stages.
  
  13. Feel free to eat any food that is located in the kitchen. Whether it be in your cabinet or not, it is free for the taking. Even if its not open, your roommates shop for the entire apartment, not themselves. Oh, and if your roommate questions you about missing food, pretend you know nothing about it--you can always blame it on the cookie monster.
  
  14. If one of your roommates has fish, and she doesn't ask you to feed them when she leaves town--then don't bother wasting your time feeding them. They're only fish, and they probably won't need to eat anyway.
  
  15. If you feel like listening to some music and you don't have a cd player or stereo, simply remove your roommate's from her room. She won't mind if you leave it, or any of her cd's, on the floor. After all, if it is not yours, why should you have to put it away??!!??
  
  16. Make some soup whenever you want, and be sure to leave it in your roommates pot in the refrigerator for a week or two, if need be. She probably doesn't want to use her pot anyway.
  
  17. If your roommate buys a 12 pack of chicken legs and you feel like cooking for someone else--you should definitely take your roommates chicken and cook it. Oh, and be sure that you tell the dinner guest that it is your food.
  
  18. If a neighbor (of course a friendly one) comes over and wants some spaghetti sauce and you don't have any to give them, feel free to go into a roommates cabinet and give away theirs. They can always go to the grocery store and buy some more for themselves. Oh, and don't tell them that you've given it away either until the ever so friendly neigbor brings back a few drops of it and thanks you for giving it to them.
  
  19. If your roommate is kind enough to take you to New York with her because she knows that you have never been there, be sure to do the following:
  
  a. insult your roommate's friend who shows the 2 of you around the city
  
  b. don't say thank you for anything and act as bored as possible
  
  c. be sure to tell everyone you see when you get back what a rotten time that you had.
  
  

• Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: " Ten Q"Teacher: "You're Welcome."

• Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today!Mom: That’s great. What in?Stevie: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.

• A fifth grader class was on an educational field trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes.
  
  “Why are you lying in the aisle like that?”
  
  “Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”
  

• Two Hillbillies meet after an English exam:
  
  Ey' how was the paper?
  
  Oh it was just great, but I forgot the past tense of "THINK". I thought and thought for a long time, finally I just wrote "THUNK"
  
  Ha ha ha, you are very silly, I thought about that for a while but I know the answer is "Thonk"
  
  And what about the past tense of "Write"
  
  Mmmm, I don't remember what i wrote on that one, I think I wrote "Written"
  
  Well, let's hope you are right, I did not bother with the past tense of "GO", I just wrote "GOED" and went to submit my paper.
  
  
  
  

• You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
  
  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
  
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
  
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
  
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  
  10. Bring pets.
  
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
  
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
  
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  
  32. Bring a water pistol with you.
  
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  
  36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  
  38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
  
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
  
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  
  45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
  
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
  
  

• A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, "Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies, "Yeah, but he's so cute!"

• Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?Teacher: Of course not.Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

• There were three guys at a bar.One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself."

• If number two pencils are so popular why are they still number two?

• My math teacher called me average. How mean!

• Teacher: Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York harbour?
  Pupil: Because it can’t sit down!

  An ideal homework excuse
  Teacher: Where is your homework?
  Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in the school

  Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
  Pupil: That’s not fair!
  You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

  Submitted by raja.

• A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

  “And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked.

  “I don’t know,” the student said.

  “Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor.

  “That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!”

  Submitted by raja.

• A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do. “The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”The little girl replied, “My homework.”

• Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
  
  Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
  
  The girl said she was.
  
  A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
  
  Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
  
  The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
  
  Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
  
  "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
  
  

• The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.” He then reached into his pocket and pulled outa chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

• The absent-minded teacher paused to chat awhile with one of her students, then asked, "Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?" "That way", the student pointed.''Good,'' said the teacher, ''then I've had my lunch."

• One morning a boy walks in to class late

  His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"

  He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"

  15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"

  2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

• Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

  15 minutes looking for assignment.

  11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

  23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

  8 minutes in the bathroom.

  10 minutes getting a snack.

  7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

  6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

  10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

  Submitted by raja.

• Teacher: Why are you late, John?
  
  John: Because of the sign down the road.
  
  Teacher: What does sign have to do with you being late?
  
  John: The sign said 'School Ahead, Go SLOW!'

• New way of writing answers in exams
  
  If you don’t know the answer, then put lines like this:
  
  ||||||||||
  
  and write below: “Scratch here for ANSWERS”.
  

• “If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.“Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but Ihate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”