Word Play Jokes

• I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.




• Q: Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
  A: Because it was rated Rrrrr.

• A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"

• A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

• A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight." The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?""

• Paddy and Murphy are wandering in the desert fortunately they have plenty of water but no food.
  Murphy finally gives up sitting down on the ground and he tells Paddy to go on without him. Paddy protests but gets nowhere so he walks on without his friend only to return screaming Murphy, Murphy come quickly you wont believe your eyes and tells Murphy of a fantastical tree he has just found with a bacon butty on every branch.
  Murphy picks himself up and protesting all the way as he makes his way to the top of the ridge only to look down into a bowl shaped valley, at one solitary tree with a sandwich on every branch.
  The two friends run to the tree and pick a sandwich off the tree and take a bite only for a hundred screaming ancient warriors to appear intent on taking there lives.
  Murphy says “Paddy this was no bacon butty tree this was a ham bush”
  

• Someone asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?" I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser." Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple," I answered, "My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."

• Two peanuts are walking down the street when one was assaulted (a-salted).

• Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?To see the butter fly!

• "Knock knock."
  "Who's there?"
  "Narnia."
  "Narnia who?"
  "Narnia business!"

• Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
  A: A thesaurus.

• Boy: "Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?"
  Girl: "Why?"
  Boy: "Because I'm totally digging that ass."

• Knock knock.
  Who's there?
  Marry.
  Marry who?
  Marry me, please!

• There are two eggs walking to an intersection. When they meet at the middle, one egg says to the other egg. Eggcuse me!

• To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

• Q: What did the zombie girl say to the zombie boy?
  A: "Are you going to kiss me or rot?"

• Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and a vacuum?
  A: A cocksucker.

• A neutron walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer. How much will that be?" The bartender responds, "For you? No charge!"

• I told my wife I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. She couldn't believe it when I rode pasta.

• Teacher: "What is the largest city?"
  Student: "Electricity!"

• Q: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, what happens?
  A: UCLA.

• Brunette: "Where were you born?"
  Blonde: "California."
  Brunette: "Which part?"
  Blonde: "All of me."

• What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?Quatro sink-o!

• Q: Have you heard the joke about the trash can?
  A: It’s rubbish!

• What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic jam.

• Q: What do you call a T-Rex's bruise? A: A dino-sore.

• Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
  A: They're all seniors.

• What do you give a deaf fisherman? A herring aid.

• A man is telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" answers the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "12:30."

• A Spanish man who doesn't speak English says to a Mexican woman, "Lady, I want to make the love with you," and she says, "Mande?" and he says, "No Monday, today."

• Q: How do birds fly?
  A: They just wing it!

• Q: Why is a river rich?
  A: It has banks on both sides.

• Here is a hipster pick up line. Hey girl, is that an original Yo La Tengo 7" in your pants? Because your butt is extremely valuable.

• Q: How do fish get high?
  A: Seaweed.
  

• An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

• Q: What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
  A: "Dam."

• Q: Why was six scared of seven?
  A: Because seven "ate" nine.

• Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
  A: You tell her the food is on the house.

• Q: How do you make a witch itch?
  A: Take away her "w".

• I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

• What do you call a piece of cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese.

• Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*tch." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*tch. There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"

• Q: How did the ghost go on vacation?
  A: By scareplane!

• A lawyer and a regular average Joe are on a plane together. The pilot comes on the speaker and announces that the flight will take up to 16 hours. The lawyer turns to Joe and says, "Okay, I have a game we can play while we pass the time. You ask me any question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50. Then, I get to ask you a question, any question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5." The average Joe says, "Okay, what has four legs going up a hill, and three legs at the bottom?" The lawyer thinks for a moment, then hands Joe $50 and says, "Wow, that was tough. I don't know, what does have four legs going up a hill and three legs at the bottom?" Joe then hands the lawyer $5 and says to him, "There's your $5."

• Q: What is the dirtiest line said on television?
  A: "Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night."

• Q: What goes up a chimney down, but cannot go down a chimney up?
  A: An umbrella.

• A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

• Sign in the widow of a Photography Studio:
  We can Shoot Your Wife and Frame Your Mother-In-Law, If you want.
  We can Hang Them Too.

• "May I borrow your pen?"
  "No, these are my special pens, and this is my second to last one"
  "What's so special about them?"
  "They are my ultimate writing instrument. I usually use them to keep track of the score in ultimate frisbee. Plus, they have famous people on them."
  "Who is that?"
  "That's Sean Penn. He's my favorite actor."
  "Where did you get them?"
  "At the University of Pennsylvania."
  "Oh, I see. So that is your penultimate Penn ultimate Penn pen."

• Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
  A: A lawn moo-er.

• Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
  A: Pumpkin Pi.

• Hickory Dickory Dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

• Q: What do you call a duck that steals?
  A: A Robber Duck.

• Q: Why is it useless telling a shop keeper to be quiet?
  A: Because they don't shut up until the end of the day.

• Fe = Iron.
  Male = Man.
  Fe + Male = Iron Man.
  I have been having sex with Iron Man.

• Q: What do you call a gay cowboy? A: A jolly rancher.

• Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: Because seven is a registered six offender.

• Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
  A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

• My little sister started to choke and my mom told me to heater in the back.

• Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

• Q: What do you call a wandering caveman?
  A: A meanderthal.

• What did one boat say to the other?
  
  “Are you up for a little row-mance?”

• Q: What did Gandhi say to the British, after they asked him to move?
  A: Nah, mastay.

• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

• Server: "What kind of ice cream do you want?" Muslim: "Allah the flavors."

• Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked!

• Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like twenty six year olds?
  A: Because there's twenty of them.

• Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?
  A: His goal: transcend dental medication.

• Q: Wanna hear a joke about a stone?
  A: Never mind, I will just skip that one.

• There was a snake crossing a highway and a truck ran over its ass. The snake went back to get its ass and a truck ran over its head. The moral of the story is, "Don't lose your head over a piece of ass."

• Ya need an ark? I Noah guy.

• Q: What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common?
  A: Finnish Hymn!

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Daisy.
  Daisy who?
  Daisy me rollin', they hatin'.

• Q: Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror?
  A: He couldn't stand to see himself like that.

• What do you call a cow with big t*ts?An utter drag.

• Q: What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common?
  A: They both had curds (Kurds) in their way (whey).

• I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.

• Have you heard about the crime in multi-story parking decks? It's just wrong on so many levels.

• Q: Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
  A: Because they were watch dogs.

• A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

• Q: Which state has the most questions?
  A: Alaska.

• Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
  A: Because they have their own scales.

• Q: What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
  A: You make a seizure salad.

• Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

• You want to hear a word I just made up ?
  
  Plagiarism....
  

• What are the best kind of letters to read in hot weather? Fan mail.

• Q: Why didn’t the melons get married?
  A: Because they cantaloupe.

• What's Mario's favorite fabric? Denim, denim, denim.

• Q: Why did the snowman drop his pants?
  A: Because he heard the snow blower was coming.

• A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, didn't you read the sign? It says 'No mushrooms!'" The mushroom replies, "C'mon man, I'm a fungi!"

• On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

• Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
  A: "I wanna go to Florida!"

• Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of a paleontologist?
  A: Because you will get Jurasskicked.

• Q: Why were the Indians here first?
  A: They had reservations.

• Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"
  Student: "At the bottom of the page!"

• The shortest word play joke ever. Dwarf shortage.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Lettuce.
  Lettuce who?
  Lettuce in. It's cold outside.

• Fuddy: "I can't believe they are still together after all the shit they have been through!"
  Duddy: "Who?"
  Fuddy: "My butt cheeks."

• Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

• Q: How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
  A: You rocket.

• Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
  A: Because it’s pointless!

• Why did the belt get locked up?
  He held up a pair of pants!

• Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? Yeah, he pasta way.

• Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
  A: It's okay. He woke up.

• Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
  A: Because it's two tired.

• Q: Why do blonde girls walk in groups of odd numbers?
  A: Because they can't even!

• What did one butt cheek tell the other butt cheek?Don't cross the line.

• Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
  A: Decomposing.

• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

• A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve. A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.

• Just had a dangerous mole removed from the end of my penis. Definitely won't be shagging one of those again.

• Little Bobby's teacher asked everyone to draw something exciting. Isabel drew a puppy, Jeffrey drew a cake, and little Bobby drew a period. The teacher looked puzzled and asked Bobby, "How is this exciting?" Bobby said, "Well it may not be to you, but my sister is missing two, so there is a lot of excitement at my house."

• Q: How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  A: Buy a deck of cards.

• Yo mamma is so fat that when she sat on a laptop, the hardware turned into software!

• If Mississippi wears her New Jersey, what does Delaware?
  
  I dunno, Alaska.

• A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

• The lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life," but john came fifth and won a toaster.

• Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

• I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.

• Q: Why did George Byron suffer from arthritis? A: Because he was such a rheumantic.

• Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

• Q: What do you call a rabbi with heartburn?
  A: An acidic Jew.

• The other night I played strip poker with my old lady: she stripped and I poked her.

• Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?
  
  A: A condescending con descending.

• Q: Where can you find the biggest amount of the largest sized women's lingerie in the world?
  A: In Africa: there's thousands of Z bras.

• Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
  A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Madame.
  Madame who?
  Madame foot is caught in the door!

• Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
  A: The library, because it has so many stories.

• Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.

• A Grammar freak arrogant wife texts to her husband...
  
  You are as useless as "ueue" in the word Queue.

• Q: Why didn't the man die when he drank poison?
  A: Because he was in the living room.

• Q: Why did the house go to the doctor?
  A: It was having window pains.

• A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

• Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
  A: The letter "m."

• An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
  
  When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
  
  Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
  
  At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
  
  DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
  
  P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
  

• How are sex and bungee jumping related? When the rubber breaks, you're screwed!

• Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
  A: It improves di-vision.

• I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!

• Q: What do you give a pig who wins a medal at the Olympic games?
  A: A pork medallion.

• I went to a drag race last Saturday. I still can't believe the guy in high heels won.

• Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
  A: Nobodynose.

• Q: Why do pirates like algebra?
  A: "Annex" marks the spot.

• The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. He declared, "Tonto, we’re not in canvas anymore."

• Q: When are holes beautiful?
  A: When they're gorges.

• What was the name of the lesbian dinosaur species?Lick-a-lot-o-pus.

• Why was the 8 afraid of the 7? Because 7 ate 9!

• What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?Sorry, I'm a little horse.

• Q: Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
  A: They always get stuck at "c."

• Why did the boy go out with a prune?
  Because he couldn't find a date.

• Q: What do you call a noodle that commits identity theft?
  A: An impasta!

• My wife and I are planning our 21st wedding anniversary celebration. Here lies the problem: she wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, I want sex, and my mother-in-law thinks we should renew our vows at church. Well, I'm all for compromise, so we should have sex outback of the church.

• A guy at the office was at the water fountain, when his co-worker asked, "Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a boat in Venice?"
  
  "Yeah - he's gondola better place."

• A fancy Alaskan restaurant invited a world famous chef to be a guest cook. Although the chef was renowned for his spectacular recipes, one customer asked him to prepare a local favorite: whale meat. Try as he might, everything the chef sent out just was not edible. The customer finally stormed back to the kitchen to berate the chef. The embarrassed chef offered to cook a meal of his finest recipes for the customer at no charge. After over an hour of preparation, the chef delivered to the diner the most magnificent gastronomic feast he had ever tasted. As he was leaving the restaurant, the satiated customer was overheard saying, "Well, that will teach me to never judge a cook by his blubber."

• There are 2 cats. The one two three cat and the un deux trois cat. They had a race across the English Channel. Which cat won? The one two three cat because the un deux trois cat cinq.

• A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!" The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

• Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
  A: Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts there.

• Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party?
  A: Because he was a party pooper.

• Q: Why should you never trust a toilet?
  A: Because it's full of shit.

• Q: What city are you in when you drop your waffle on the beach?
  A: Sandy Eggo.

• Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
  A: He wiped his bum.

• Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A: The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

• Q: What has more lives than a cat?
  A: A frog because it croaks every night.

• How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"

• Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
  A: With a tuba glue.

• I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... I heard they make a killing.

• Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on?
  A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

• Where do pencils come from? Pencilvania.

• Q: What do you call two nuts on the wall?
  A: Walnuts.
  Q: What do you call two nuts on the chest? A: Chestnuts.
  Q: What do you call two nuts on your chin?
  A: A Blowjob.

• Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
  A: Carlos.

• What do you call a girl with one leg?Eileen.

• You may know Jose Ferrer and Miguel Ferrer, but do you know he had a not so famous brother Gaspin Ferrer?

• What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no I-Deer.

• What does a lawyer wear to work?A law suit.

• Q: What did the storm say to the almond tree?
  A: "Hold on to your nuts, cause you're about to get a blowjob."

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• What's the biggest pencil in the world? Pennsylvania.

• Q: What do you call a famous fish?
  A: A star fish.

• Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

• A man walks into a restaurant and sits down to order. The waiter walks up and takes the order. Before he is done taking his order, the waiter asks the man, "Would you like a soup or salad?" The man replies, "What's a super salad?"

• Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

• A friend of mine got sacked from the dodgem cars; he's suing for funfair dismissal!

• Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

• Q: How do trees access the internet?
  A: They log in.

• Q: How do you make holy water?
  A: Boil the hell out of it.

• Conjunctivitis.com: a site for sore eyes.

• Did you hear about the drunk frog? He barley hops.

• Question: Do you know why famous entertainment stars do not worry about summer heat?
  
  Answer: because they have fans everywhere.

• Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
  A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

• Q: Why did the cow cross the street? A: To get to the udder side.

• Q: What is the lightest thing in the world?
  A: A penis because just a thought can lift it.

• Q: What's the difference between America and yogurt?
  A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

• A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

• It'd be frustrating if you seriously couldn't find your friend Marco at a crowded swimming pool.

• Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

• A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same bar and orders a drink again. The bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but like I said, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and jets out his door to that bar. Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time. The bartender stares at him, squinty eyed, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar." The string locks eyes with the bartender, and states, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

• Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
  A: Open-toad!

• What do you call a cake made out of hamburgers? A patty cake!

• On which side does a Zebra have more stripes?
  
  On the outside.

• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

• Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
  A: I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

• Two friends Peter and Jack are leaving for the holiday on the same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up down the aisle and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK!"

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Chicken.
  Chicken who?
  Chicken your pockets. I think the keys are in there.

• Did you hear about the dead cabbage?
  There was a big turnip at the funeral.

• Q: Why are there no televisions in Afghanistan?
  A: Because of the Telly-ban!

• A man said to his friend, "Want to hear a joke about butter?" His friend said, "Sure." The man said, "Nah, I butter not tell you. You might spread it."

• Q: Why is the barn so noisy?
  A: Because the cows have horns.

• What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES - There is a mile between the first and last letters!

• What do u call a seagull flying over the bay?A bagel.

• A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins."

• Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
  A: Because they are shellfish.

• I never realized as I was growing up that our family didn't have much money. I thought all the girls wore full length pants in second grade and returned from summer wearing the same pants, but now we were calling them capris!

• A tourist from Romania visits New York City. He wanders around sightseeing and gets lost. He asks one of the locals for directions to get back to his hotel. The local notices the tourist's foreign accent and asks, "Are you by any chance Russian?" The Romanian replies, "No, I'm not really in a hurry."

• Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
  A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

• Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

• Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
  A: Juan on Juan.

• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

• Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
  A: To get to the second hand shop.

• If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

• Q: What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed?
  A: "Oh sheet!"

• Q: What part of a car is the laziest?
  
  A: The Wheels, they are always tire'd.

• Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  A: Snowballs.

• Q: Why couldn't Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
  A: Because of his coffin.

• ***Punny News Headlines***
  
  Metal fans keep cool at concert...
  Limbo dancers reach new low....
  Lawyer loses his case- Finds it in Car....
  Cellmates complete each other sentences...
  Global explorer finds himself....
  Missing link found online....
  
  
  

• A drunk staggers out of a bar and lets go of a loud belch just as a couple are walking in the door. The man yells at the drunk, "How dare you belch before this woman!" The drunk says, "I'm sorry! I didn't know she wanted to go first."

• A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

• Why did the condom fly across the room? Because it was pissed off.

• Q: What's a frog's favorite drink?
  A: Croak-a cola.

• Why did the sailor grab a piece of soap when he was sinking? So he could wash himself ashore.

• A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have on tap?" He replies, "Anheuser-Busch" (And-how's-your bush). She says, "Just fine. How's your penis?"

• A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo.
  Boo who?
  Don't cry. It's only a joke.

• Q: How do you count cows?
  A: With a cowculator.

• A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

• Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
  A: Fingernails.

• Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fungi!

• Why did the hipster burn his mouth? Because he ate his pizza before it was cool.

• Q: Why did the duck go to jail?
  A: Because he got caught selling quack.

• Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
  A: An investigator.

• Q: What did one German soldier say to the other when the Americans attacked?
  A: "I did Nazi that coming!"

• What kind of man is a mushroom? He's a fun guy!

• Do you know why a roach clip is called a roach clip?
  
  Because "pot holder" was already taken.

• A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

• Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory today. I hope there's no pop quiz.

• I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

• Q: If you go into the toilet American and you come out of the toilet American, what are you while you're on the toilet?
  A: European.

• Q: What kind of car does Jesus drive?
  A: A Christler.

• Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
  A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

• Two verbs, three adjectives, three nouns and a conjunction appeared in court. They’re due to be sentenced next week.

• Q: What are a pedophile's favorite shoes?
  A: White Vans.

• Q: What did the banana say to the doctor?
  A: "I'm not peeling well."

• Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
  A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

• Two drunks are sitting in a bar when one of them turns to the other one and asks, "Hey, isn't that Hortense?" The other drunk chimes in and says, "No, she looks pretty relaxed to me."

• I was sitting in the traffic the other day. I got run over.

• If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

• Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

• Waiter: "Do you want any dessert?"
  Teddy Bear: "No Thanks. I'm Stuffed!"

• Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
  A: Made a website!

• The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a great looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

• Q: Why is a swordfish's nose 11 inches long?
  A: Because if it were 12 inches long, it would be a foot!

• How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles (tentacles).

• What do you call a snail who likes to sail?A snailor!

• Q: Why did was the Mexican fast food vendor arrested?
  A: He was planning a tacover.

• What do you call a girl with one leg? Aileen.

• Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

• Q: Where do crazy people travel through the forest?
  A: The psycho path.

• Johnny’s Father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
  
  After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right?
  
  T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M

• What did the hat say to the scarf? "You hang around and I'll jump on a head."

• A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Boobs!"

• What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

• Q: Wanna hear a joke about construction?
  A: Never mind, I'm still working on it.

• Little Johnny's friend calls to invite him over, but little Johnny says, "I can't, I'm grounded." His friend asks, "Why?" and he replies, "My mom called me a son of a bitch, and I said, 'Yup, you got that right.'"

• Q: Where in L.A. can a deer hunter find does in season year round?
  A: Venison Beach

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Q: Why do milking stools only have three legs?
  A: Because the cow’s got the udder!

• What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.

• Why did the skeleton go to the funeral alone?Because he couldn't find anybody to go with him.

• Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
  So he could see her crack!

• "Hey, did you hear about the Kidnapping on the weekend?"
  
  
  Everything's OK he woke up!

• Jim: "Why are you crying?"
  Bob: "I just got slapped in the face by a lady."
  Jim: "What happened?"
  Bob: "I was holding a photograph, but I dropped it and it fell underneath a woman's dress. I asked her, 'Excuse me, can you hold up your dress? I want to take a photo.'"

• Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?
  A: A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

• Q: Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
  A: Because the cow has the utter.

• Q: What do eggs do for fun?
  A: Karayolke (karaoke).

• A little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

• Sometimes I feel like no one understands me- not even Siri. I dictated a text, on my phone, to my daughter. I said "Mom and I have been praying for you lately."
  
  But when I checked it, I found that it read, "Mom and I have been praying for you lightly." Yeah we didn't want to overdo it or anything.
  

• Q: What do you call a man that has no shins? A: Tony.

• A man walked into a bar and heard, "Great tie!" He looked around and seeing no one, he heard again, "Beautiful suit!" Wondering what was going on, he saw the bartender walk up and said, "I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie, and that they looked cool, but no one's around. Dude, what's up?" The bartender smiled, "Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

• A man bursts into a psychiatrist's office, naked, with a thin sheet wrapped around his waist. The psychiatrist diagnoses, "Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

• Q: Why is England the wettest country?
  A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

• Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
  Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
  Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

• Q: What do the starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
  A: They both probe Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

• A teacher asked her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence. Johnny raised his hand and said, "My mom was shoveling the driveway and my dad said, 'At this rate, it will take that cunt ages.'"

• Q. What did the Indian say when the herd of Buffalo ran over his boy?
  
  A. Bison

• Q: What do you do with a sick boat?
  A: Take it to the doc.

• I tripped on my wife's bra in the bedroom, turns out it was a booby trap.

• Q: What does a pirate pay for his corn?
  A: A buck an ear (buccaneer).

• Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

• The statutory rape percentage has gone up 20% in the past 2 years, but that's only a minor problem.

• Three ladies were on a bus stop bench. One of the ladies looks at the other and asks her if she is Native American, She says, "Yes, I'm Arapaho." "Is that so?" says the first, "It just happens that I'm a Navajo." The third lady looks at both of them and says, "I'm a Dallas hoe."

• Q: What has four wheels and flies?
  A: A garbage truck.

• Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
  A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

• Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  A: A fsh.

• Why are buildings called buildings if they're finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

• Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
  A: Because he neverlands.

• Q: If April showers bring may flowers, what do mayflowers bring?
  A: Pilgrims!

• Q: What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the breakfast table?
  A: "Use the fork, Luke."

• Q: Why does the queen carry a scepter?
  A: Because everyone works 'cept her.

• Q: Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 Cokes?
  A: He burped 7Up.

• Q: What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?
  A: A thief snatches your watch.

• Q: What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire?
  A: Bernadette.

• Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: "A miner be flat" (A minor B-flat).

• Q: Why can't you tell an egg a joke?
  A: Because it will crack up.

• A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.”
  He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”
  
  

• Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
  
  A: Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)

• I just bought a cured ham; I wonder what it had.

• Remember that watch from Switzerland? The Swatch! Thank God Croatia didn't come out with a watch of their own. "Hey what time is it?" "Oh hold on let me take a look at my Crotch."

• Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married late in life. While they have not yet been intimate, Bernie thinks it would be a good idea to know how Jane feels about this. He asks her about her desires regarding frequency of sexual intimacy. Jane replies that she likes sex infrequently. Bernie, being ever the optimist says, "Is that one word or two?"

• Q: On what kind of ships do students study? A: Scholarships.

• A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

• Q: Why did the pig leave the costume party?
  A: Because everyone thought he was a boar.

• Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.

• I hate school and got caught skipping the other day. My principal said, "Walk normal next time, you fruitcake."

• Why did the tomato turn red? Because he saw the salad dressing!

• Two hydrogen atoms are at a party and bump into each other. The first one says, "Hey, grab that electron, it's mine!" "How do you know?" asks the second. "'Cause I'm positive!" the first replies.

• Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
  A: Lean beef.

• Q: What do you call two Chinese lesbians having sex with a cedar? A: A tree-way.

• My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.

• Why was strawberry sad? Because her mom was in a jam.

• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.

• Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
  A: "Nobody's perfect!"

• Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
  A: Because they know all the short cuts!

• Where do you find a Zebra?25 letters after A-Brah.

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Yodelay hee.
  Yodelay hee who?
  I like your yodeling!

• Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle!

• Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]

• Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
  A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

• Why is gambling illegal in Africa?Because there are too many cheetahs!

• Q: Why did the coach go back to the bank?
  A: To get his quarterback!

• Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
  Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
  Sparsh: "PHD."
  Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
  Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

• Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
  A: "I got you covered."

• Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
  A: Microchips!

• A man committed suicide by chopping his head off and left a suicide note in his mouth reading, "I don't need no body."

• Q: Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
  A: King David because he was only 12 inches tall as he was a ruler.

• What did the mamma tomato say to the baby tomato? "Catch up!!!"

• What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? "Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant."

• Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
  A: Envelope.

• A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

• A turtle that was crossing the street was mugged one day. The policemen came to help and asked him what happened. He replied, "I am not sure, it happened too fast."

• Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
  A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

• In what state can you find small Pepsis?Mini-soda (Minnesota).

• Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
  A: "Meet you at the corner!"

• Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
  A: "You're too young to smoke."

• Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
  A: A small medium at large.

• Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Because they arrrr!

• The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
  
  “What is it?” she asked.
  
  “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said.
  
  Minutes later, a chair opened up, and his name was called….."Pheven"?

• Q: What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
  A: "Odor in the court!"

• I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"

• A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

• Q: Whats an Indian's favorite sport?
  A: Bolleyball.

• A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Shelby.
  Shelby who?
  Shelby comin' around the mountain when she comes!

• Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
  A: Because then it'd be a foot!

• As I was walking down the street, I noted a man with a large pole in his hand and stopped to ask, "Are you a pole-vaulter?" His response was, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

• One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, "Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, "Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

• Knock Knock.
  Who's there?
  Olive.
  Olive who?
  Olive you!

• Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep.

• Dog: "You're such an ass."
  Donkey: "Bitch, please."

• Q: What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?
  A: Usain Bolt can finish a race.

• A teacher was testing her students' knowledge of words' antonyms. She asked, "What is the opposite go?" A student answered, "Stop." "Very good," the teacher replied. "What is the opposite of adamant?" Another student said, "Eveant."

• A magician was driving down the road... then he turned into a driveway.

• Q: Why can't you trust an atom?
  A: Because they make up everything.

• Q: What's the difference between a pygmy tribe and a high school girls track team?
  A: The pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning little runts.

• A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?" The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot." The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair." The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?" The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

• I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the other day. She was a bouncer.

• Ever wonder how black people get so tall? It's because their knee grows!

• A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

• At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
  
  The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
  
  The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
  "On my way through desert sand
  Met a lonely caravan
  Men on camels, two by two
  Destination: Timbuktu."
  
  The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
  
  The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
  
  No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
  "Me and Tim to Brisbane went
  Met some ladies, cheap to rent.
  They were three and we were two,
  So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

• Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?He was looking for Pooh!

• PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

• Q: Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? A: No, they do everything on porpoise.

• Pick up line: "Are you a beaver because damn!"

• What's the difference between pork chops and pea soup? Anyone can chop pork, no one can pea soup.

• If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?
  Congress!

• Q: What do you call a gay Indian?
  A: Taj Mahal (touch my hole).

• Q: Why did the music teacher get arrested?
  A: He fingered A minor.

• A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

• Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who spent the weekend handing out IUD's?

• 19 Irishmen go to a cinema. Ticket lady says, "Why are there so many of you here tonight?" Mick replies, "The fillm says 18 and over, miss."

• Q: Where did the general keep his armies?
  A: Up his sleevies.

• Q: What did the janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?
  A: "Supplies!"

• Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
  A: They planet.

• Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

• If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're normally around 90 degrees.

• A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this guy?" The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."
  The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the sidewalk below. The same two priests walked up. The first asked, "Do you know him?" The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

• This crazy guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter, “Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove. Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove. And while you’re at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove.” The waiter took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man, “The cook said you can kiss his ass, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.”

• Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings?
  A: A walnut.

• An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

• Q: My boyfriend is as beautiful as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein; what is his name?
  A: Frankenstein.

• Why couldn't the pony sing himself a lullaby?
  
  He was a little hoarse

• Q: What did one hat say to another?
  A: You stay here, I’ll go on a head.

• Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
  A: Decalfeinated.

• Why is six afraid of seven?Because seven eight nine.

• Q: Can a match box?
  A: No, but a tin can.

• Q: What do you call a vicar with a boner?
  A: An erector.

• What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
  It gets toad away.

• A pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a steering wheel to a ship in front of his trousers. In fact, it looks like his penis is stuck through the center of it. The bartender says, "Hey pirate! You've got your penis stuck in a steering wheel!" The pirate replied, "Arrrr, I know! It drives me nuts!"

• Hello. Is this the hotline? I'm freezing!

• Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
  A: A gummy bear.

• There are a lot of fish in the sea. Too bad I'm human.

• Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
  A: A waist of time.

• Q: Why did the painting go to jail?
  A: It was framed.

• Q: What is the king of all inches?
  A: The ruler.

• Q: What's the importance of capitalization?
  A: You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or help your uncle jack off a horse.

• What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?Doughnuts!

• Q: Did your hear about the man with a broken left arm and broken left leg?
  A: Don't worry he's "ALRIGHT" now!

• Knock, knock.
  Who's there?
  Abby.
  Abby who?
  Abby birthday!

• A man who is just married is flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride is to accompany him the next day. When he gets there, he e-mails his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sends the e-mail, he mistypes the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the e-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18 year old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on, with a message that reads, "Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

• THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER
  Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
  
  The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
  
  The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
  
  Now wipe that smile off your face.
  

• Q: Did you hear abut the hungry clock?
  A: It went back four seconds.

• Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
  A: Because he could never lie.