Signs Jokes

• Newspaper Headlines:
  
  "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"




• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar"

• Recently seen pinned to the desk of an IT techician:
  
  "If life Begins at 40, what are the years 0-39?"
  
  "Rehearsal?"

• In a New York medical building:
  
  "Mental Health Prevention Center"

• In the offices of a loan company:
  
  "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

• Street sign - "Slow Children"

• In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"

• In a classified ad:
  
  "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."

• On the side of a plumber's van:
  
  A straight flush is better than a full house.

• A sign at a gas Station.
  
  "Eat Here. Get Gas."

• Headline:
  
  "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While"

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store"

• Seen on the back of a septic tank service truck:
  
  "We'll take crap from anyone!"

• In a Los Angeles clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

• "March Planned For Next August"

• School Newspaper:
  
  Latin Course To Be Canceled -- No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

• Sign on the side of an electrician's van:
  Let Us Remove Your Shorts!

• 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
  2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
  3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
  4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
  5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
  6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
  7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
  8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
  9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
  10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
  11. If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
  12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
  13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
  14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
  15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
  16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
  17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
  18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
  19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
  20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
  21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
  22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
  23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
  24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
  25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
  26. Illiterate? Write For Help
  27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
  28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
  29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
  30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
  31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
  33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
  34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
  35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
  36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off... [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest]
  37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
  38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
  39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
  40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
  41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
  42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
  43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
  44. Ax Me About Ebonics45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
  46. Boldly Going Nowhere47. Cat: The Other White Meat
  48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
  49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
  50. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
  51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
  52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
  53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
  54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
  55. Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
  56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
  57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
  58. Peta - People Eating Tasty Animals
  
  

• "Hell was full, so I came back."

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based"

• On a New York convalescent home:
  
  "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

• Sign by stuffed fish on wall:
  
  "If I had kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be here."

• Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
  
  On Sears hairdryer:
  Do not use while sleeping.
  (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
  
  On a bag of Fritos:
  You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
  (The shoplifter special!)
  
  On a bar of Dial soap:
  Directions: Use like regular soap.
  (and that would be how?)
  
  On some Swann frozen dinners:
  Serving suggestion: Defrost.
  (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
  
  On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
  Do not turn upside down.
  (Too late! you lose!)
  
  On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
  Product will be hot after heating.
  (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
  
  On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
  Do not iron clothes on body.
  (But wouldn't that save more time?)
  (Whose body?)
  
  On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
  Do not drive car or operate machinery.
  (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
  
  On Nytol sleep aid:
  Warning: may cause drowsiness.
  (One would hope!)
  
  On a Korean kitchen knife:
  Warning: keep out of children.
  (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
  
  On a string of Christmas lights:
  For indoor or outdoor use only.
  (As opposed to use in outer space.)
  
  On a food processor:
  Not to be used for the other use.
  (Now I'm curious.)
  
  On Sainsbury's peanuts:
  Warning: contains nuts.
  (but no peas?)
  
  On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
  Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
  (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
  
  On a Swedish chainsaw:
  Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
  (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
  
  On a child's Superman costume:
  Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
  (Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

• On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: "Blackened bluefish"

• On a rib joint in Alabama:

  
  "If you didn't have ribs, you'd fall down"

• In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

• "I love cats, they taste like chicken!"

• In a New York restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

• Sign on office wall:
  
  Everyone brings joy to this office . . .
  Some when they enter and others when they leave!

• In downtown Boston: "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"

• A sign seen over the toilet paper dispenser in a military "latrine" (bathroom):

  
  "Another quality product of the 3M company, sandpaper division."

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Autos Killing 110 a Day -- Let's Resolve to Do Better"

• Seen on the side of a plumber's van:
  
  We're #1 at the #2 business!

• Spotted on T-shirts:
  
  "500,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain."

• A sign spotted on the gynecologist's office wall:
  
  "I'm at your cervix."

• Signs on the back of two different Gai's delivery trucks:
  
  "The loaf you save maybe your own."
  
  "We butter our buns for you."

• In the window of an Oregon store:
  
  "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

• Sign on local muffler and shock absorber shop:

  
  "Let us shock and exhaust you."

• Sign on a rack of china in a French antiques store:
  
  1. I touch
  2. I break
  3. I pay

• This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer"
  
  1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
  
  2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
  
  3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
  
  4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
  
  5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
  
  6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
  
  7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
  
  8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
  
  9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
  
  10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
  
  11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
  
  12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
  
  13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
  
  14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
  
  15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
  
  16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
  
  17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
  
  18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
  
  19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
  
  20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge
  
  21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
  
  22. Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
  
  23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
  
  24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
  25. Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
  
  26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
  
  27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
  
  28. The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
  
  29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
  
  30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
  
  31. In America, Anyone Can Be President.
  That's One of the Risks You Take.
  
  32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
  

• License Plate: 8VIAGRA

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Lingerie Shipment Hijacked -- Thief Gives Police The Slip"

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Patient At Death's Door -- Doctors Pull Him Through"

• In a Maine restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

• In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
  

• Sign above register:
  
  "Our credit manager is Helen Waite. You want credit go to Helen Waite."

• Here are some scarcastic remarks for the day, or even for bumper stickers.
  
  1. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  
  2. Do I look like a f***ing people person?
  
  3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  
  4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  
  5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  
  6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  
  7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  
  8. You!... Off my planet!
  
  9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little
  feet, I'll put shoes on my cats
  
  10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  
  11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
  
  12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  
  13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  
  14. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
  
  15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  
  16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  
  17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
  missed.
  
  18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then
  name streets after them.
  
  19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  
  20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  
  21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my
  cleavage.
  
  22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  
  23. I have a computer, a vibrator & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
  
  24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  
  25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  
  26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
  
  27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
  
  28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  
  29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  
  30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  
  31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
  
  32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  
  33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!
  
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  
  35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
  
  36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  
  37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  
  38. I plead contemporary insanity.
  
  39. And which dwarf are you?
  
  40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  
  41. Meandering to a different drummer.
  
  42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

• A sign on an automatic door said, "Pull".

• Sign on a vegetable stand:
  
  Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

• On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

• On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: "No trespassing without permission."

• At Graves & Sons (funeral home - nice name) their sign read:

  
  "You stab 'em we slab 'em."

• Sign seen on septic tank service truck
  
  "We're #1 in the #2 business."

• Sign for a Texas propane company.
  
  "Got Gas?"

• On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

• In a Texas funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

• In a classified ad:
  
  "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

• Why don't police cars have a bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving?"

• Sign in a store:
  
  "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either."

• Funny sign by a small pond:
  
  ABSOLUTELY NO SWIMMING!
  Swim at your own Risk.

• Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
  
  A: Because 7 ate 9.

• Ad for a Radiator Repair shop:
  
  "IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO TAKE A LEAK!"

• Newspaper Headline (Finance Section):
  
  "Diaper Market Bottoms Out"

• Classified Ad:
  Three month old puppies for sale,
  half lab / half neighbor's sneaky dog
  
  

• A sign on a door in the food court in the Patrick Henry Mall reads:
  
  Adults and children ages 12 and under.

• Headline: "War Dims Hope For Peace"

• A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: "Do not activate with wet hands."

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years"

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide"

• On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

• Bumper sticker on a bald guy's car:
  
  "The more hair I lose - the more head I get!"

• Bulldog for sale Eats anything Very fond of children

• You dump it . . . we pump it!

• In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
  
  In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells
  warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the
  presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it...

• Newspaper Headline:
  
  "Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin"

• "Friends don't let friends take home ugly men"
  ---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
  
  "The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open."
  ---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
  
  "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
  ---Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
  
  "Beauty is only a light switch away."
  --->Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
  
  "I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards."
  ---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  
  "If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives."
  ---Armand's Pizza. Washington, DC
  
  Remember, it's not, "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
  ---Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
  
  "God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?"
  ---The Irish Times. Washington, DC
  
  "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
  ---The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
  
  "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
  putting up with her shit."
  ---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
  
  "At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry."
  ---Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
  
  "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
  ---Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
  
  "If voting could really change things, it would be illegal."
  ---Revolution Books. New York, New York.
  
  "A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
  trouble with it."
  ---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
  
  "Express Lane: Five beers or less."
  ---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
  
  "If you love your boyfriend, have some class. Dont write his name where
  you wipe your ass."

• Bumper Sticker - "All men are stupid and I married their King!"

• On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"

• License plate: YNEBUTT

• "Try our chowder -- it's thick and rich, just like the boss!"

• Bubba's Burgers - We relish your buns!

• Outside a country shop:
  
  "We buy junk and sell antiques."

• Newspaper (Sports Section):
  
  "Stadium Air Conditioning Fails -- Fans Protest"

• On the side of a bakery truckr

  
  "Bimbo Bakery: We got some hot buns."

• Outside a country shop in West Virginia: "We buy junk and sell antiques."