Cat Jokes

• DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!
  
  DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!
  
  DAY 762 - I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night!
  
  DAY 765 - I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby!
  
  --Kitty




• Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
  
  Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.
  
  Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
  
  Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .
  
  Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
  a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
  
  Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
  
  Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .

• (Note: Jeffery LaCroix is a veterinarian with an office in Wilmington. He writes a column for the Morning Star called "From Paws to Tails."
  
  Here is his response to a letter regarding bathing a cat:)
  
  Dear Dr. LaCroix: I've heard that cats never have to be bathed, and that they have some sort of special enzyme in
  their saliva that keeps them clean. This doesn't sound believable to me because there are definite "kitty" odors on my couch and dirty cat paw prints on our white hearth. Is this true about the saliva? If we do decide to give "Nice Kitty" a bath, how do we do that? - NSP, Wilmington
  
  Dear NSP: Fortunately for you, several years ago a client gave me a written set of instructions about cat bathing
  which I am privileged to share with you:
  
  Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
  
  A. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
  
  Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
  that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than
  a politician can shift positions.)
  
  B. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.
  
  I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
  
  C. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
  
  D. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
  
  You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
  
  E. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
  latherings, so don't expect too much.)
  
  F. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have
  just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
  
  In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
  three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.
  

• Q: How does a cat use the VCR?

  
  A: It uses the pause button.

• A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy
  kittens and 2 girl kittens."
  
  How did you know?" his mother asked.
  
  "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

• "Cats" is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America's most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, "Cats" doesn't seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what "Cats" would have to do to more accurately portray the true
  essence of cats.
  
  * Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
  
  * The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
  
  * Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not -- depending on their mood.
  
  * Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
  
  * When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
  
  * In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
  
  * For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
  
  * A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
  
  * Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
  
  * Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
  
  * Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
  
  * The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
  
  * Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and -- well, we don't have to draw a picture here, do we?
  
  * The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to "bathe" themselves.
  
  * Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
  
  * The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
  
  * Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
  
  * Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

• Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day, a guy ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage. So, the man went to the old woman and said..

  
  "I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."

  
  "That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.

  
  "So how good are you at catching mice?"

• A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet. But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed that it was occupied.
  
  The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
  But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
  
  The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started pressing the buttons one by one.
  
  When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really have it made.
  
  Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
  
  This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.
  
  When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse. "What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I was in the new ladies' room on a plane."
  
  "Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."