Internet Jokes

• TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

  TECH: We’re an Internet service provider, ma’am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

  CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

  TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

  CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

  TECH: I’m not sure I understand?

  CUSTOMER: You know…Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

  Submitted by raja.




• With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

  1. Viruses replicate quickly.
  Windows does this.

  2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
  Windows does this.

  3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
  Windows does this.

  4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
  Windows does that too.

  5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
  Same with Windows, yet again.

  Maybe Windows really is a virus.

  Nope! There is a difference!

  Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

  Submitted by raja.

• At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

  1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house.

  2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

  3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

  4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

  5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

  6. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

  7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

  8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

  9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.

  10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

  11. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

  12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

  13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

  14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course!

  15. How do you want to crash today?

  Submitted by raja.

• One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

  The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”

  Submitted by raja.

• ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
  BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
  C: Confusing
  COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
  LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
  PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

  Submitted by raja.

• Dear Boss,

  I hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

  At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

  In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

  Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

  Submitted by raja.

• 1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.

  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.

  5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

  6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

  7. Users find 137 new bugs.

  8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

  9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

  10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

  11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

  12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.

  13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

  Submitted by raja.

• IBM: It’s Being Mended
  IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
  IBM: I Believe in Memorex
  IBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!
  IBM: Idiots Built Me
  IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
  IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
  IBM: I’ve Been Mislead
  IBM: It’s Better Manually
  IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
  IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
  IBM: I Bought a Mac
  IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
  IBM: I Bought Macintosh
  IBM: I’ll Buy Macintosh
  IBM: I’ve Been Moved
  IBM: I’ve Been Mugged
  IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
  IBM: Identical Blue Men
  IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
  IBM: Idiots Become Managers
  IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
  IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
  IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
  IBM: Institute of Black Magic
  IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
  IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
  IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
  IBM: It’ll Be Messy
  IBM: It’s Backwards, Man
  IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
  IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
  IBM: It Barely Moves
  IBM: I Buy Mainframes
  IBM compatible – IBM contemptible

  Submitted by raja.