Clinton Jokes

• 14. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."
  
  13. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"
  
  12. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military . . . Okay, now I don't."
  
  11. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE* . . . Well, that's different."
  
  10. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, and Boba Fett's, and Jabba the Hutt's, and Chewie's, and . . ."
  
  9. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"
  
  8. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."
  
  7. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."
  
  6. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."
  
  5. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."
  
  4. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."
  
  3. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."
  
  2. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."
  
  and the Number 1 Thing Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in Star Wars...
  
  1. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"
  




• erry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

  
  The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a gang of brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips!"

  
  The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

• Q: What did President Clinton say to his new secretary?

  
  A: "I don't believe I've come across your face before"

• CLINTONIO A POLITICAL OPERA:
  
  Act 1.
  The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry and
  are trying to find their way back to power.
  
  As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency.
  
  The opening chorale "We Must Find a Way" (Creatio grandissimo flooz scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom Delay sings "Where Will We find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimba). The House Republicans exit.
  
  Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive "Why Can't I find a Man?" (Mi Schnoz es humongo.)
  
  Tom Delay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La Flooza perfetta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones.
  
  Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. Delay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria, "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo es rewardo).
  
  Act 2.
  The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing in jubilation "We must Tell the World" (Phono tabloido). The rear
  curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale, "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi).
  
  Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola).
  
  Robertson offers to make time on his television program to expose the charges. At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit.
  
  The Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country.
  
  The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moolah).
  
  Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo).
  
  Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, probo la flooz epidemio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" as the act ends.
  
  Act 3.
  Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset. She is singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Mi es la
  wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni). Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.
  
  Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It happen?" (Panti thongo, la flashi). Monica in the long passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Non smoko El Pruducto, phalli symboglio).
  
  In the third scene, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica.
  
  Hillary sings "I Will Stand ByYou" (Tu jercho estupido, mi removo su equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimba forgetta). They embrace.
  
  Act 4.
  Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The chorus of Lawyers hums in the background. Hyde sings the aria "We Believe in
  Something (Impeaccho hippi bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee eslippo).
  
  The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the President has a 76% approval rating with the public with the poignant aria,"What is Right is Not Popular" (Partia Repubblico committini suicido).
  
  TheChorus of Lawyers sings the chorale "Principles Come First" (Mi adultero non conto).
  
  With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCullom and Tom Delay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio "How Can you Not Convict?" (Evidenso multi flimsioso).
  
  Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus Of Lawyers sings "For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit." (Senato non stupido.) After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom Delay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We Still Know theTruth"
  (Wasto multi millioni) as the act ends.
  
  Epilogue.
  The President sings the contrite aria "I am Very Sorry" (Revengo futuro) as the Chorus of Media circles him, shouting their questions. They sing "Who will now Believe us?" (Publicca degustanta es in media).
  
  Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing "It is Still Not Over" (Publishi grande bucchi, dollare millioni) as the curtain falls.

• Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be President of the United States.
  
  So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

• A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

  
  The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".

  
  "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

  
  "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

• Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
  
  The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

• Hillary Clinton went to her doctor because she was not feeling well.
  
  The doctor explained that she was pregnant again.
  
  She was furious. This would ruin her plans for a Senate run in New York next year. Her dreams were ruined. The more she thought about it, the madder she got. She was so made that she called Bill and the oval office and began to yell and scream at him, how he had selfishly gotten her pregnant, ruined her dreams of running for Senate. She went on and on, finally there was a long pause as she waited for a reply from Mr. Clinton.
  
  Suddenly, after the long silence, Bill said, "...Who is this?"

• His baloney has a first name
  It's "I-did-not-inhale."
  His balony has a second name,
  It's "I-wasn't-getting-tail."
  
  Oh, He loves to sling it every day.
  The White House people all just saaaaaaaay . . .
  That Billy Clinton has-a-way,
  Of mak-ing bullshit sound o-kay.
  
  
  

• From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

  
  10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

  
  9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

  
  8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

  
  7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

  
  6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

  
  5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

  
  4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

  
  3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

  
  2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

  
  And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

  
  1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

• From the President's e-mail box: ==================================

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

  
  Jimmy Carter ---------------------- Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ----------------------

  
  My Dear Chap:

  
  This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

  
  Hugh Grant

  
  ----------------------

  
  Bill:

  
  They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

  
  Mayor Marion Berry

  
  ----------------------

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the Fall.

  
  Marv Albert

  
  ----------------------

  
  Dear Mr. President:

  
  You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon. Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Washington who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.

  
  Warm personal regards,

  
  Newt ----------------------------

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford

  
  ---------------------------

  
  Dear Mr. President:

  
  Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

  
  Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

  
  --------------------------

  
  Dear Former Worthy Opponent:

  
  Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

  
  Bob Dole

  
  -------------------------

  
  Dear Mr. President:

  
  I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

  
  Michael Jackson

  
  --------------------------

  
  Dear Fellow Sinner:

  
  Jesus forgives you and so do I.

  
  Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

  
  -------------------------

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

  
  Jim Bakker

  
  P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

  
  -------------------------

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  Next time (if there is a next time), won't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

  
  With sympathy, Rob Lowe

  
  -------------------------

  
  Dear Bill:

  
  If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor...)

  
  HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

  
  ------------------------

  
  Dear Mr. President,

  
  We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. Editor, Cigar magazine

• Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton named his new dog buddy?
  
  A: Because he gets tired of hearing Hillary say, "Cum on spot."

• Clinton's Presidential Oath:
  
  "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
  know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

• Bill Clinton Interview

  
  Ed: "Hello Mr. Clinton. How are things going lately?"

  
  Clinton: "What the hell do you think? I?ve just been impeached. Don?t you have a TV?"

  
  Ed: "Yes, of course Sir, stupid question. I?m sorry. That was very insensitive of me."

  
  Clinton: "Damn right. Now let?s get this interview over with. I?ve got some presidential duties I?ve got to perform soon."

  
  Ed: "Alright. First question, Sir. Why Monica? I mean, she?s pretty bugly."

  
  Clinton: "?Bugly?? Sorry son, don?t quite know what that means."

  
  Ed: "Oh, it?s a little word we say out here in California. It?s ?butt? + ?ugly? put together. Bugly."

  
  Clinton: "Well, son, when you got a wife like mine, who by the way is very bugly, you don?t get around to screwing as much as one would hope. And, my God, my horny level was about this fricking high! I mean, even Socks started looking like a mighty good pussy."

  
  Ed: "Ahem..err?of course Sir. But what I mean is, Monica is just so damn fat! She looks like she never ever swallowed, you know what I mean?"

  
  Clinton: "Well, my boy, like they say. You can?t have heat if ya don?t got the meat."

  
  Ed: "Oh, ha ha. Of course?some men like porky women. I respect that. If I were you though, and Monica was sucking on my cock, I?d be hella scared that she might have hot-dog flashbacks and start chewing on my dick!"

  
  Clinton: "That never bothered me much. Sure, I thought about it when she went down on me, but I figured that my ?presidential staff? was bent crooked enough to dissuade her of that cannibalistic possibility."

  
  Ed: "Oh that?s right! Isn?t your pee pee bent, like, 62 degrees to the left, or something? How?d that happen?"

  
  Clinton: "Humph!?..Grrr?.I really wouldn?t not like to talk about that."

  
  Ed: "Come on! Come on! I?ll be your friend!"

  
  Clinton: "Fine, okay. It all started years ago, back in my college days. I was young, I was stupid, and I was ignorant. In fact, believe or not, I was a damn virgin! Me, a virgin!"

  
  (Ed Smiles)

  
  Clinton: "Anyway, I was with the loser squad. Nobody invited any of us to be in any fraternities. Even the geeky ass nerds shunned us. So one day, me and my pals decided we were going to do something great. Something so memorable that we were gonna be school legends!"

  
  Ed: "Wow, what?d you guys do?"

  
  Clinton: "Well, my friend had a another friend who new some guy whose girlfriend?s dad owned a farm. Man did we had the connections! Now we needed to find somebody who owned a car."

  
  Ed: "Did you?"

  
  Clinton: "No. We ended up paying $400 to Chad Pilky for a 20-minute ride in his Pinto."

  
  (Ed laughs, hard. Ha ha ha!)

  
  Clinton: "Hey you little turd, you best not laugh or I?ll pardon your father out of jail!"

  
  Ed: "No! No! I?m sorry Sir, anything but that. My asshole still hurts from my last visit home!"

  
  Clinton: "That?s better. So, we ended up paying $400 to Chad Pilky for a 20-minute ride in his Pinto. We got to the farm, and luck be with us, nobody was home. My pals and I made our way to the barn, and there he was. Little Bill, the billy goat."

  
  Ed: "Don?t tell me, you didn?t?..kill it, ?did you?"

  
  Clinton: "Not exactly, I mean, we didn?t mean to kill it."

  
  Ed: "Good Lord! Our Commander in Chief killed a poor defenseless billy goat!"

  
  Clinton: "Hush! Shhhh! NO! It?s not like that. We didn?t kill it. We just, ?played? with it."

  
  Ed: "Oh?what?d you guys do? Play with it?s teets and drain all of it?s milk?"

  
  Clinton: "What the hell? I?m no queer! We just made it suck our cocks!"

  
  (Awkward Silence)

  
  Clinton: "And you know goats, they?ll eat anything."

  
  (Ed Shudders)

  
  Clinton: "Boy! Where are you going?"

  
  Ed: "Oh?no-where. So, you said the goat died?"

  
  Clinton: "Yeah, turns out my friend Skippy had the flu, and the goat just couldn?t fight off them little germies."

  
  Ed: "Well, enough about your ?sex life,? Mr. Clinton."

  
  Clinton: "What else is there to talk about?!"

  
  Ed: "Hmmm?you?re right."

  
  (Clinton takes another swig on his Budweiser.)

  
  Clinton: "You really look like a nishe kid, Ed. Wouldja like for me to tell you about de time that I screwed Hillary?s dear old Mom?"

  
  (Ed gulps)

  
  Ed: "Sure Mr. President. Go ahead."

  
  Clinton: "It was de year 1983, and, ha ha! We were vishiting the in-lawshs, and uh?.Hillary and her Daddy went off to lunsch someplashe, while Hillary?sh mommy lay shick in the bed. Like I shay before, my horny level went thish freaking high! She never knew what shcrewed her! It?sh any man?s dream!"

  
  Ed: "What did you do after that, Sir?"

  
  Clinton: "Why, I ran away."

  
  Ed: "Ran away?"

  
  Clinton: "Yesh, Shir, he who fucksh and runs away, livesh to fuck again."

  
  Ed: "Well, thanks for this interview Mr. President. I learned a lot."

  
  (Clinton gulps down the rest of his Bud.)

  
  Clinton: "Where ye goingksh?"

  
  Ed: "Uh?.I?m going back home so I can post this interview on the ?net."

  
  Clinton: "The ?net! NO!"

  
  Ed: "Yeah, the ?net. Didn?t I tell you that tens of thousands of people across the entire globe are going to be reading this?"

  
  (Clinton becomes red in the face.)

  
  Clinton: "NO!"

  
  Ed: "Sorry, my mistake. Bye!"

  
  (Ed leaves the White House)

  
  Ed: (Outside) "Geez, you?d think he?d be used to people ratting him out by now."

• During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
  the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
  He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
  the White House to be with his family.
  
  A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
  
  Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed".
  
  Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
  Commandments."

• After asking President Clinton whether he wore boxers or briefs, the journalist decided to be fair and ask Bob Dole the same. Dole responded, "Depends."

• Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the arm rest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of Clinton's chair and bashes him in the face. Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after a few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President.

  
  Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

  
  A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing... really loudly. After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam jumps up and again nothing happens, this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"

  
  (Through tears of laughter from the floor);

  
  "Baghdad?.....what Baghdad?"

• What does Bill Clinton say after sex?

  
  "Ill be home shortly Hillary."

• 10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"
  
  9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
  
  8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
  
  7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally
  Contribute To My Campaign"
  
  6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
  
  5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
  
  4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"
  
  3. "From Perjury To Albany"
  
  2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over
  It"
  
  1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas!"
  

• He's "The Real Tricky Dick."

• A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I
  thought you were a cigar man???"
  
  President Clinton responded,"Cigars are for pussies!"

• American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

• Q: When Bill and Hillary Clinton have sex, why does Hillary always get on top?
  
  A: Because Bill can only fuck up.

• One day, many years after the Clinton scandal, Hillary is struck by a car and killed. Soon, Hillary finds herself at the gates of Heaven. She sees St. Peter and asks "Can I get into heaven now?" he says "Soon, I have some things to take care of." so St. Peter leaves and Hillary looks at the scenery and sees millions of clocks lying around. Every once in a while, a clock or so would turn ahead 15 minutes. Hillary wondered why. Soon, St. Peter came back and Hillary asked "St. Peter, What are all these clocks for?" St Peter replies "Each clock represents a man. Every time a man commits adultry, the clock turns ahead 15 minutes. Hillary asks "Where's my husbands clock?" St. Peter replies "Oh, it's in God's office, he uses it for a fan."

• Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?

  
  A: A dead girlfriend.

• When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of "deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure?

  
  Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just by coincidence... or much more. We will let you be the judge.

  
  Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%

  
  TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.

• This is from a contest whose requirements were to use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unibomber) in a limerick.
  
  Winner:
  There once was a gal named Lewinsky
  Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
  'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
  On this flute made of beef
  That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
  
  First runner up:
  Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
  We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
  Since you look such a mess,
  Use the hem of your dress
  And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
  
  Second runner up:
  Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
  What Kaczynski must surely have known:
  That an intern is better
  Than a bomb in a letter
  Given the choice of how to be blown.
  

• In a recent poll, 500 women were asked if they would sleep with President Clinton.

  
  90% Said, "Never again . . ."

• Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?

  
  A: Only 1500 women went down on the Titanic.

• Hillary Clinton was having a heart-to-heart talk with her daughter Chelsea and asked, "Have you had sex yet?"

  
  Chelsea replied, "Not according to Dad."

• Chelsey goes off to college and she meets this really handsome guy named John. They start dating and pretty soon John asks Chelsey to marry him and she says "yes." Chelsey is so excited that she calls her dad up to tell him the great news.

  
  As soon as Bill Clinton finds out who she is going to marry he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him."

  
  "Why not?"

  
  "Well, you see this is how it is. Many years ago I had an affair with John's mother and John is actually my illegitimate son, so you can't marry him."

  
  Chelsey is heart broken. She tells John that she won't marry him and is very depresed until she meets this guy named James. They date for awhile and soon James asks her to marry him. Again she runs to the phone to tell her father the good news.

  
  As soon as Bill Clinton hears who his daughter wants to marry he says, "I'm sorry honey but you can't marry him either."

  
  "Why not?"

  
  "For the same reason. James is my illegitimate son."

  
  Chelsey is again very heart broken and sad.

  
  One day she meets this really nice guy named Adam. Adam asks Chelsey out and before she will agree to go out with him she calls her dad and asks him if she and and Adam are realated.

  
  "I'm sorry to tell you this honey, but Adam is also your brother," says the president.

  
  At this point Chelsey is getting really ticked off so she calls her mother up to complain. "Every guy I fall in love with or even anyone who asks me out turns out to be Daddy's illigitamate son."

  
  "Oh, don't worry about that," says Hillary.

  
  "Why not?" asks Chelsey.

  
  "Because Bill Clinton is not really your father."

  
  

• Confucius said to Bill Clinton, "You blow job over blow job."

• When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

• President Clinton gave up playing the saxaphone, Now he is playing a whoremonica

• I have heard that Hilery Clinton is wanting to change her name to Sharon Peters

• In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.
  
  In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of this would have happened in the first place."

• Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'.

  
  One little boy stands up and offers 'If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.'

  
  'No,' Clinton says, 'That would be an ACCIDENT.'

  
  A girl raises her hand. 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy.'

  
  'I'm afraid not,' explains Clinton.

  
  'That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'

  
  The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

  
  'What?' asks Clinton, 'Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

  
  Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: 'If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.'

  
  'Wonderful!' Clinton beams. 'Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?'

  
  'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!'

• Q: Why are they planning to bury Bill Clinton 12 feet under at his funeral?
  
  A: Because deep down he's really a good person.

• Bill Clinton goes to a fortune teller and asks her when he is going to die.

  
  She looks deeply into her crystal ball and says, "You will die on a National holiday."

  
  "Oh really?" says Bill. "Which one?"

  
  And the fortune teller says, "Any day you die will be a National holiday."

• What is the differnce between Bill Clinton and JFK??

  
  JFK got shot, and Bill CLinton got his head blown off!

• Q: What is Clinton's favorite rock band?

  
  A: Cheap Trick.

• Ken Starr: Mr. President, "What was Monica Lewinsky doing alone with you in the Oval Office?"

  
  The President: "I was interviewing her for a secret service position and she was demonstrating how she could blow someone's brains out if she had to."

• Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Holiday Belt Buckle?
  
  It's made out of Mistletoe!

• Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to take their order. Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill Clinton studied the menu for a second. Then he looked up, smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie."
  
  The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said, "Considering all that your wife went through last year
  with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste."
  
  She stomped away to cry.
  
  Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

• One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men.
  
  It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

• Q: Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

  
  A: To keep his ankles warm.