Free Jokes

• Is That Mule For Sale
  
  
  Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
  
  Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
  
  At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
  
  When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'
  
  'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'




• A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
  
  After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
  
  The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
  
  The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
  
  Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
  
  Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
  
  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
  
  The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

• A kilometre.
  
  
  Teacher : Peter how do you define a kilometre ?
  Peter: It's easy sir even an infant could tell it.
  Teacher : Then tell me.
  Peter : Sir a kilometre is the distance in meters you can travel by carrying a load of a kilogram.

• Scottish Farmer
  
  
  The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
  
  'Well', said the pilot, 'Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.'
  
  The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.
  
  Upon landing, the pilot said, 'I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!'
  
  'Aye', said the Scotsman, 'but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out.'