Halloween Jokes

• Q: Why did the mummy go on vacation?
  
  A: He needed to unwind!
  




• It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked. "I’ll have a glass of blood," the first replied. "I’ll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second. "I’ll have a glass of plasma," said the third. "OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That’ll be two bloods and a blood light?"

• Knock Knock.
  Whos there?
  Boo.
  Boo who?
  Dont cry I'm just a trick or treater!

• It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
  
  At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
  
  The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
  
  "No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
  
  "Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
  
  "Thanks," he says, and leaves.
  
  An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
  
  "Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
  
  An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
  
  "I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
  
  "Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
  
  "Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
  
  Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
  
  "Tea time."

• Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a ghost?
  
  A: A poultry-geist!

•  The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
  
  You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
  
  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
  
  You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
  
  Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
  
  You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
  
  You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  
  Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
  
  Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
  
  You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
  
  The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
  
  Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
  
  You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  
  Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

• Q: What kind of music do mummies listen to?
  
  A: Wrap!

• The door bell, rings, and a man answers it.

  
  Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying "Trick or Treat!"

  
  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.

  
  The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

• It's Halloween and this woman has nothing to wear. She puts a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes to work.
  
  A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as.
  
  She replies, "Bull Sheet".

• Once when Mary was young her school had a halloween party for themmary decided to go as a pirate after she had donned her costume shewent into the family room to show her family they were impressed.Mom said you look terrific mary you have your sabre,and your parrot onyour shoulder,and look you even have a neat sack to carry your booty,butwhere are your buccaneers?Says Mary, my buccaneers are under my buccanhat!

• Q: What's a goblin's favorite flavor?
  A: Lemon n' Slime.
  
  Q: Why wasn't the vampire working?
  A: He was on his coffin break.
  
  Q: How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
  A: By scareplane.
  
  Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
  A: By witchful thinking.
  
  Q: What's a ghoul's favorite breakfast cereal?
  A: Rice Creepies.
  
  Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle?
  A: It was a chain letter.
  
  Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
  A: It was a stake sandwich.
  
  Q: What instrument does a skeleton play?
  A: A trombone.
  
  Q: Why was the zombie so grumpy?
  A: She woke up too early in the mourning.
  
  Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
  A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
  
  Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
  A: Tweets.
  
  Q: What's a vampire's favorite feast?
  A: Fangsgiving Day dinner.
  
  Q: What do little trees say on Halloween?
  A: Twig or treat.
  
  Q: What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
  A: Ghostcards.
  
  Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
  A: She had bat breath.

• My girlfriend and I were going to make Popcorn Balls for a Halloween Party we were going to. So we got the recipe, and started to read it. 3 cup of popcorn! So I measured out 3 cups of UN-popped corn and started POPPING. We had every bowl in the house full of Popped corn. Then we started making the sauce to put on it. A very small pot! After looking at it we knew it would not cover all this popped corn! Then to add insult to injury, her mother can home and started laughing, and told us it was Popped Popcorn! So I changed the recipe to say that. How were we supposed to know? But the good side is the Dog loves Popcorn!!!

• Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.
  
  One wore the top half and one one wore the bottom half.
  
  Q: What did were they?
  ...
  ...
  ...
  A: An upper and lower GI.

• Q: What do skeletons say before they eat?
  
  A: Bone Appetit.

• A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

  
  The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

  
  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

  
  She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

  
  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

  
  She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

  
  Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

  
  He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

• A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
  
  She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
  
  She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
  
  "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
  
  "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
  
  The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
  
  The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
  
  But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
  
  "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
  
  The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

• Charlie decided to play a trick on his superstitious friend Henry.  Now Henry like a drink at the local pub every Friday nights.When Henry walked home in the dark,  Charlie hid in the Church yard and the scene was set.  As Henry staggered home passed the churchyard he said ' Where am I' .  Charlie replied in a ghoulish voice: 'Amongst the living' .  Where are you then said Henry.' Amongst the dead' .  Charlie sobered up and ran home faster than he had ever run before.

• Q: What is a vampire's favorite type of
  fruit?
  
  A: A nectarine!

• What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party? The cat ate her.*Why was the boy unhappy to win the prize for the best costume at the Halloween party? Because he just came to pick up his little sister.*Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
  A: Tweets.*Q: What do little trees say on Halloween?
  A: Twig or treat*Where's the most dangerous place to go trick-or-treating? On the psycho path!*What did the ghost serve at his Halloween party? Hallowieners!*What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost? Fasten your sheet belt.*A man was staying in a big old house and in the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said, "I have been walking these corridors for 300 years." The man said, "in that case, can you tell me the way to the toilet?"*Who did the ghost invite to his party? Anyone he could dig up.*What did one ghost say to another? I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in people.*What did the mother ghost say to the naughty baby ghost? Spook when you're spooken to.*Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.*Why do witches fly on brooms? Vacuum cords aren't long enough.*What was the witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.*What do you call a fat Jack-O-Lantern? A plump-kin*Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare Centers*Why do mummies make good employees? They get all wrapped up in their work*Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately...*Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation...*Where do ghosts go swimming? The dead sea...*What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's halloween ..

• Q. Why couldn't the witch have babies?
  
  A. Because here husband has crystal balls.

• Q: What kind of car does a ghost drive?
  
  A: A Boo-ick.

• Q: How do you spot a red neck on Halloween?
  
  A: He is wearing a Confederate uniform and gives the kids a bottle of Budweiser.

• The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
  
  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

• 10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

  
  9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

  
  8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

  
  7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.

  
  6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

  
  5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

  
  4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

  
  3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

  
  2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

  
  1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

• Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

  
  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

  
  "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

  
  "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

• Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency,and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

  
  Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

  
  "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

  
  In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

  
  Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

• A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

  
  He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

  
  By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

  
  Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

  
  By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

  
  Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

  
  "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

• Q: What type of dog does Dracula have?
  
  A: A blood hound.

• One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as 'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
  
  "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?" I asked.
  
  "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

• Q: What do Hillbillies do for Halloween?
  
  A: Pump-Kin

• Today's Halloween Specials:
  
  Ghoulash, scream beans, scalped potatoes, and Mummy's tomb-make booberry pie with I scream.

• 1) What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
  Hello, hello, hello.
  
  2) What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
  A boo-loney sandwich.
  
  3) What kind of street does a ghost like best?
  A dead end.
  
  4) What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
  A wash-and-werewolf.
  
  5) What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
  Fasten your sheet belt.
  
  6) What is a witch with poison ivy called?
  An itchy witchy.
  
  7) Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
  His ghoul friend.
  
  8) Where do vampires live?
  In the Vampire State Building.
  
  9) Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
  The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
  
  10) What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
  A blood vessel.
  
  11) What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog?
  I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
  
  12) What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
  A blood hound.
  
  13) Why are black cats such good singers?
  They're very mewsical.
  
  14) What's a cold, evil candle called?
  The wicked wick of the north.
  
  15) What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
  Hallowieners.
  
  16) Where do little ghosts learn to yell "BOO!"?
  In noisery school.
  
  17) What does a goblin shop for?
  Grosseries.
  
  18) How can you tell when windows are scared?
  They get shudders.
  
  19) What do you call serious rocks?
  Grave stones.
  
  20) Why did the witch stand up in front of the audience?
  She had to give a screech.
  

• The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this
  plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
  
  The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for
  Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes
  28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

• The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
  
  I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
  
  The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

• Q: Why do scary monsters have so many ears?
  
  A: To become more "eerie."

• Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
  
  A: He had no body to dance with.

• One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

  
  She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

  
  The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

  
  The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

  
  Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

  
  The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

  
  The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

• Q: Why don't monsters eat clowns?
  
  A: Because they taste funny.

• One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as
  'Rocky' in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave
  him some goodies, he returned for more.
  
  "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep a few
  minutes ago?" I asked.
  
  "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back
  three more times tonight too."

• An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
  
  Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
  
  He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
  
  In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
  
  A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
  
  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
  
  As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
  
  The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."
  
  

• 1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

  
  2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

  
  3. One usually makes a better pie.

  
  4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

  
  5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

  
  6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

  
  7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

  
  8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

• NOTE: Please do not read if you are easily offended by racial jokes.
  
  A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
  
  When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
  
  The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
  
  The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
  
  The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

• Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
  Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
  "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
  "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!" 

• 10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  
   9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  
   8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  
   7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
  
   6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
  
   5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
  
   4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
  
   3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  
   2. Less guilt the next morning.
  
   1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

• My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"
  
  My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

• What kind of alley does a ghost prefer to haunt?
  A dead end.Why wasn't the vampire working?
  He was on his coffin break.What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
  Fasten your sheet belt.What is a vampires favourite type of ship?
  A blood vessel.What's a ghosts favourite ride at the carnival?
  The roller ghosterWhat was a witch's favourite subject when they were in school?
  Spelling!What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
  A trombone.Why don't skeletons like parties?
  They have no body to dance with.Why did the mummy call the doctor?
  Because her baby was coffin.

• Q: What time was the Vampire's dentist appointment?
  
  A: Tooth-Hurty (2:30)

• People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
  
  Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
  
  If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
  
  The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
  
  The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
  
  To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
  
  Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
  
  Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
  
  Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
  
  Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
  
  After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

• Q: What do you get when you cross a monster and a pig?
  
  A: Frankenswine!

• Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
  
  A: They get a better grip on their brooms.

• Knock Knock.
  Who's there?
  Boo! Boo who?
  
  Don't cry it's just a joke!!!
  

• On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
  trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad
  and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back
  completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
  
  The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of
  the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back
  himself with a potato around his d*ck.
  
  The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied
  "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

• NOTE: Please do not read if you are easily offended by racial jokes.
  
  A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
  
  When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
  
  The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
  
  The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
  
  The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

• Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
  
  A: Because he didn't have any guts.

• Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
  
  A: Bring me three beers and a mop!

• One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
  She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
  The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
  The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
  Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
  The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
  The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!" 

• A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
  
  So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
  
  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She
  let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
  
  She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."

• Q: What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
  
  A: See you next Period!
  

• Q: What does Dracula eat on his nachos?
  
  A: Halloween'o peppers of course :)
  

• Q: What do little ghosts drink? A: Evaporated milk.

  
  Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them? A: Because people are dying to get in.

  
  Q: When do ghosts usually appear? A: Just before someone screams.

  
  Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost? A: "How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

  
  Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with booberries.

  
  Q: What's soft, moldy and flies? A: A spoiled bat.

  
  Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back? A: "You're under a vest!" Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home? A: He had to give it back.

  
  Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup? A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

  
  Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A: A dead ringer.

  
  Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time? A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.

  
  Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? A: "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

  
  Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights.

  
  Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables? A: In a blood bank.

  
  Q: How does a witch tell time? A: She looks at her witch watch.

  
  Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster? A: In the mirror.

  
  Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat? A: When you're a mouse. Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose? A: The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

  
  Q: What's the best place for a mirror? A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

  
  Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A: A holy terror.

  
  Q: Why do witches think they're funny? A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

  
  Q: How do mummies hide? A: They wear masking tape.

  
  Q: What would you find on a haunted beach? A: A sand witch.

  
  Q: Who has a broom and flies? A: A jelly-covered janitor.

  
  Q: What time would it be if five demons were chasing you? A: Five after one.

  
  Q: Why don't skeletons like parties? A: They have no body to dance with.

  
  Q: What did the bat say to the witch's hat? A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

  
  Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf? A: You'd get a harewolf. Q: What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? A: You hear the broom boom.

  
  Q: What goes "Oob, oob!" A: A witch in reverse.

  
  Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

  
  Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom? A: She flies off the handle.

  
  Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls? A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

  
  Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball? A: It was his bat.

  
  Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Put your boos and shocks on.

  
  Q: Mother vampire to son: A: Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

  
  Q: Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf. A: Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

  
  Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? A: See you next month!