Health Jokes

• A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”"I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”

  Submitted by Albert.




• The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

• Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.

  A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from
  the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

  The motorist thanked him profusely and said, “I don’t know why you are in that place.”

  The patient said, “I’m in here for being crazy, not for being stupid.”

  Submitted by Jerry.

• A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
  The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: ” Yes, I can put you right.”

  After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

  The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells:

  “You idiot, you gave me a woman’s ears.”

  “Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man’s or a woman’s.”

  “You’re wrong, I hear everything, but I don’t understand a thing!”

  Submitted by Vicky.

• A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer, but also shortens the workday.

• I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

• When a physician remarked on a new patient’s extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, “High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family.”

  “Your mother’s side or your father’s?” I asked.

  “Neither,” he replied. “It’s from my wife’s family.”

  “Oh, come now,” I said. “How could your wife’s family give you high blood pressure?”

  He sighed. “You must meet her sometime, Doc!”

  Submitted by Hanley.

• My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

• There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”

  Submitted by Willie.

• An overweight Women consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

  The women followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

  At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

  Submitted by Carley.

• Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?

  Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.

  Patient: What happened?

  Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

  Patient: Give me the bad news first.

  Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

  Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?

  Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers

  Submitted by Tom.

• Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.

• Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

• I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

• A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.

• If pink and glitter were vitamins blondes would be the healthiest people alive.