Hooker Jokes

• Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

  When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

  "$75 dollars," said the first.

  The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

  The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
  "$20 dollars" replies the third.

  The first two start laughing hysterically.

  "Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"




• This guy goes into a horror house and says he wants the best blowjob he can get for $100. The madam says go to the room take off all your clothes and we will be with you as soon as possible.

  So he goes to the room and takes off all of his clothes and a few minutes later a fine hooker comes in the room. She gives him a blowjob and he busts a nut and then she reaches under the bed and pulls out a jar and spits in it. He says will you do that again if I give you another $100.

  She says sure. He gives her another $100 and she gives him another blowjob and he busts even a bigger nut this time. She pulls out the jar again and spits in it. He asks what the jar was for and she says "I have a bet with the girl across the hall whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both".

• This guy goes into a hore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

  She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

  He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.

  She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

  He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.

  She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.

  He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

  As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

  She replies "MOOOOOO"!

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Tyler Collins

• This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

  She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

  "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

• A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

  So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

  She said, "That was incredible!"

  He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

  So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

  He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

  "No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

• Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.

  "It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.

  "How can you tell?" says the other.

  "I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.

  "Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"

• This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

  He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

  They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

  The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"

  She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

• A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

  "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

  After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

  "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

• One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

  The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

  She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

  An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

  He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

  She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."

• A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.

  He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
  They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.

  After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.

  After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

• Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

  The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

  In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

  The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

  The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"