Nun Jokes

• A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

  The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

  The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

  The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

  Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

  When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

  The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  Johnny Nielson




• There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

  
  One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

  So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

  So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

  The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

  When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

  Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

  With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

  Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

  But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

• A nun and a Preacher were riding camals in the desert, whe suddenly, both camals dropped dead.

  The Preacher turned to the nun and said, "Since it is evident that we are to die, I have one request. I have never seen a female body... will you show me yours?"

  "Certainly", said the nun, "But I want to see you naked as well."

  As they stood there in the hot desert, buck naked, the nun pointed to his johnson and asked the preacher, "What does THAT do?"

  The preacher knew not what to say, so he told her, "well...it...uhh...gives life."

  "Well, what are you waiting for?!" screams the nun, "Put that in the camel so we can get the hell outta here!"

• It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.

  Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.

  The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.

  The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?

  The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".

  The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.

  Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "

  
  This joke was submitted by:
  L Smith

• The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.

  "Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms."
  99 Nuns "Oh no"
  1 Nun "He, he"

  "A condom!" said the head Nun.
  99 Nuns "Oh no"
  1 Nun "He, he"

  Head Nun "And it was used!"
  99 Nuns "Oh no"
  1 Nun "He, he"

  Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!"
  1 Nun "Oh no"
  99 Nuns "He, he"

• A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

  The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

  The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

  The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

  The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

  After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

  The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

• At the Convent, there was one preist in particular that liked to fuck all the new nuns until they screamed to god.

  One night he had just got done fucking one of the new nuns when he walked into the kitchen butt naked for a snack.

  He had just grabbed two candy bars from a drawer, but as he was about to leave, two of the head nun's walked in.

  Not knowing what to do, he spead his legs letting his dick hang and put his hands behind his back.

  The nuns walked in and thought that he was the new candy machine they had orderd, so the first nun put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick... so he droped one of the candy bars.

  The next nun did the same thing, she put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, so he dropped the other candy bar.

  They both were delighted but as they walked out, one more nun walked in. The other nuns told her to try the new machine, so she too walked over, put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, but this time nothing happed, so she pulled it again, nothing, so she started pulling it quicker and quicker...

  Later the head nuns asked her what kind of candy she had gotten... she replied:

  "oh, i didnt get any candy....but i got some nice hand lotion!"

• Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.

  One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'

  An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."

  She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"

  The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"

• Three nuns die and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says "Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly".

  The first Nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" to which she replied "Adam" and was allowed into heaven.

  The second Nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" to which she replied "Eve" and was allowed into heaven.

  The third Nun was asked "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" to which she replied "Ohh! That's a hard one"

• Two nuns are driving down the road when an evil vampire jumps out in front of the car and yells "Im going to drink your blood!"

  Terrified...the nun driving says to the nun in the passenger seat..."Quick get out and show him your cross!"

  So the Nun in the passenger seat jumps out and yells..."Get the hell out of the road you F*@$ING Vampire!!!"

• One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

  The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

  He asked how.

  She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

  The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

  He asked how.

  "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

  Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

  The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."