Jewish Jokes

• Q: What does a dyslexic Jew say?

  
  A: Yo!




• Definition of a Jewish dilemma:
  
  Someone yelling, "Free ham!"

• Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews, My girlfriend and me-we had nothing to do. The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care, Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there. But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down, There was nothing but boredom all over town.

  
  The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight; There weren't any concerts to got to that night. A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing, But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.

  
  Outside the window sat two feet of snow; With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below. And while all I could do was sit there and brood, My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

  
  So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots. We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down. And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.

  
  In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!" We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside. Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high With the finest of foods their money could buy:

  
  There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,) Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice, Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon, And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....

  
  When at last we decided, and the waiter did call, We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all. And when in due time the food was all made, It came to the table in a sort of parade.

  
  Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls, And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls. The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild, And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.

  
  So much piled up, one dish after the other, My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another! Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils, While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.

  
  We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas And barely had room for our fortune cookies. But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!." And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner; Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

  
  Our bellies were full and at last it was time To travel back home and write some bad rhyme Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak About trying to refine our chopstick technique).

  
  The MSG spun round and round in our heads, As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said, As we carried our leftovers home through the night; "Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"

• An old jew is on his deathbed. He gets enough strengh to talk. "My wife, my wife". So his wife comes up to him and says: "I'm here, I'm here". He then says: "My daughter, my daughter" - "I'm here daddy, I'm here" "My son, My son" - "I'm here dad" "Well then... who the hell is taking care of the store?

• Q: What do you call a Jewish Rabbi in the Irish Republican Army?
  
  A: Oy McVeigh

• The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
  
  "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
  
  The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal
  to represent me?" he asked.
  
  "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition,
  to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
  
  Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the
  golfer.
  
  "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal
  Nicklaus," said the Pope.
  
  "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
  
  "There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
  
  "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

• What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
  
  "Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?"

• Q: What do you call a gay Jew?
  
  A: A Heblew.

• Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.
  
  Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
  
  Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
  
  Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
  
  Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
  
  Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
  
  Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
  
  Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
  
  Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
  
  Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.
  
  Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
  
  Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
  
  80-year-old bubbe, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?
  
  I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
  
  Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
  
  Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
  
  Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.