Airplane Jokes

• It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South.
  “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked
  the man seated in front of me.

  “What are my choices?” he asked.

  “Yes or no,” she replied.

  Submitted by Abby.




• “This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

  “If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

  “If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

  “If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

  “That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”

  Submitted by Sid.

• My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

  “When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”

  My wife smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

  Submitted by Chris.

• A friend of mine was learning how to fly (a plane, obviously) and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft.

  His reply:- If one engine fails, the other takes you to the scene of the accident.

  Submitted by Zia.

• An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.

  One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can’t you do something?” she demanded angrily.

  “I’m sorry ma’am,” the reverend said gently, “I’m in sales, not management.”

  Submitted by Olivia.

• A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

  This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, “Guess who?”

  The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where!”

  Submitted by Sid.

• A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

  The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

  “Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

  Submitted by Jack.

• On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

  The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

  The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

  The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

• Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

  A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

  “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

  Submitted by Jill.