News Jokes

• A drunk is just waking up on the beach one day.
  
  A sweet young thing in a bikini has gone into the surf and the waves have taken her top off. She emerges from the surf only to realize her condition, clasps her arms around her exposed and ample breasts and immediately runs back to the water to retrieve her top.
  
  The semi-comatose drunks see her and yells "Hey lady if you're going to drown them pups, I'll take the one with the brown nose!"




• GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT The Tallahassee Bugle

  
  MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS The Anchorage Alaska Times

  
  GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"] The New Haven Connecticut Register

  
  THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON The Arkansas Plainsman

  
  CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS Bangor Maine News

  
  STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION The Washington Times

  
  CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL The Bosnia Bugle

  
  LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW Newsday

  
  ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX San Antonio Rose

  
  PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE Chicago Daily News

  
  TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS The Miami Herald

  
  MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING The New Haven Connecticut Register

  
  GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS The Tallahassee Democrat

  
  WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY! The Houston Chronicle

• Monica Lewinsky has decided that her new job will
  be weather forecaster because on this job when she blows it
  no one will be surprised.

• Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire!

• Ireland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon outside Limerick. Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

• What is in the Table of Contents of Monica's new book?
  
  Previews of Cumming Attractions

• A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned
  we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical
  "dihydrogen monoxide."
  
  And for plenty of good reasons, since:
  
  1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
  
  He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
  
  Forty-three (43) said yes,
  Six (6) were undecided,
  and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
  
  The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
  
  He feels the conclusion is obvious.

• An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.

  
  The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a,toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die.

  
  Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a cigarette.

  
  When,he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.

  
  When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.

• LONDON (Reuters) - It is not the sort of address most people would want but a group of English villagers has turned down a proposal to rename Cowshit Lane.
  The name stirred controversy when the village of Golant in southwest England decided to have a map drawn up for visitors.
  
  "I live there and I have no objection to the name," local council chairman Alistair Barr was quoted as saying by the Times newspaper Friday.
  
  "Some others have suggested renaming it Cowslip Lane, which I don't agree with."
  
  Douglas Cooper, Barr's predecessor as chairman, staid: "I only wish I lived there because I could put it on my headed notepaper."
  
  Fri, May 12 09:06 AM EDT

• Imagine Mick Jagger's shock when he opened the door to his bedroom, only to find Hugh Hefner and Dennis Weaver together in HIS bed.
  
  Mick's immediate reaction ...
  
  Hey! Hey! - - - Hugh! Hugh! - - - Get offa McCloud!!!