Job Jokes

• 1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
  When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
  
  2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
  When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
  
  3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
  When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
  
  4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
  When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
  
  5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
  When your boss does it, he's being firm.
  
  6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
  When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
  
  7. When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
  When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
  
  8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
  When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
  
  9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
  When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
  
  10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
  When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.




• Excuses For Missing Work
  
  
  * My stigmata's acting up.
  
  * I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  
  * I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
  
  * I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
  
  * I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
  
  * The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
  
  * I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
  
  * My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
  
  * I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
  
  * I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
  
  * I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
  
  * I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.
  
  * I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

• Job Application   This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonalds in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
  
  NAME: Greg Bulmash.
  
  SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
  
  DESIRED POSITION: Companys President or Vice President. But seriously whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.
  
  DESIRED SALARY: $185000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
  
  EDUCATION: Yes.
  
  LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
  
  SALARY: Less than Im worth.
  
  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
  
  REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
  
  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
  
  PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday Tuesday and Thursday.
  
  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes but they are better suited to a more intimate environment.
  
  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one would I be here?
  
  DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
  
  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?
  
  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
  
  DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no on my breaks yes.
  
  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
  
  DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
  
  SIGN HERE: Aries

• A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
  
  The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
  
  "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
  
  "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
  
  "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
  
  "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"