1. It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
2. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
3. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
7. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
8. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
9. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
10. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
11. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
12. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.? Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about
the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
? Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.
? Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
? Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
? Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her
in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
? Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that
you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
? Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
? Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.
? Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
? "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
? Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.
? Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
? Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
? Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw everything else away.
? Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start
to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with
you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but
keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
? Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
? Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
? Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
? Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
? Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of
the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
? If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with
a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
? Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how
they got there.
? Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
? Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One
day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh,
are you dying?"
? Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back
into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
? Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula.
If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
? Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend
to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was.
Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up
for several weeks.
? Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
? Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake
an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards
again.
? While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
? Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.
Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
? Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
? Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
? Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
? Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few
days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He just didn't belong."
? Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and
then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.
? Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring
you food and water.
? Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for
a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
? Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you
were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
? Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
? Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
? Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't
do that anymore, Murray."
? Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
? Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.
? Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
? When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming
angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your
mom. She said she'd call back."
? Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go
to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can
come out now."
? Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take
it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
? Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two
players."
? Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No,
I want to watch them suffer."
10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of the planet?"
9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that anything?"
8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"
7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird Old Navy
commercials?"
6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was talking to me?"
5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the last 14 months?"
4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from New York?"
3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"
2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"
1. "Did you bring a clip?"TOP TEN REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER: 10. The World Does Revolve Around Us ... We Pick the Coordinate System
9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons on Your Calculator Do
8. Know How to Handle "Stress" and "Strain" in Relationships
7. Parents Will Approve
6. Help with Your Math Homework
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
4. Looks Good on a Resume
3. Free Body Diagrams
2. High Starting Salary
1. Lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen
over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is . . .
1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.10. A dependant named "Guido"
9. Declare "Depends" as a medical expense after an audit has been ordered.
8. A vibrator as a medical expense.
7. If you are O.J. Simpson, a set of steak knives.
6. Betting that Wayne Gretsky will retire.
5. The money you spend on lottery tickets, because it WILL become your only means of income.
4. Plastic surgery to enhance your "sex appeal" because you are a transvestite.
3. A casket for grandma Jean so you can inherit $100,000.00 even though she's only 50!
2. www.kinky women as sex therapy
and the number 1 thing you can't declare on your income tax.....
Phone calls you made to the IRS to turn in your uncle Fred for the $10,000 reward!50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover."
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS*
1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out.
2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.10. "Set your phasers for 'fun' -- the Buzzmeister has landed!"
9. "Jeez, what a dump!"
8. "That's one small step for man, once giant leap for my sock puppet Winky."
7. "I think I can see Ebert from here."
6. "Hey, Linda McGinty of Montclair High School -- remember when you wouldn't go out with me? Well, look at me now -- I'm on the moon!"
5. "I'd like to give a shout out to all my homies on the planet Earth."
4. "VISA -- it's everywhere you want to be! I just made 5 million bucks."
3. "Does this mean I have to miss the Smashing Pumpkins on 53rd Street?"
2. "Holy Crap!"
1. "Okay, I stepped on it -- now let's get the hell outta here."1. Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
1. Sag! You're it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION....
"Just wait until your father gets home!"
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE....
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, you're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me about ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold."
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS....
"You're just like your father!"
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS....
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE....
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like."1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
4. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
5. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
8. You should not confuse your career with your life.
9. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
10. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.Lil' Suzi was in her bedroom when her younger brother knocked on the door.
"Hey! Let me in," he shouted.
"I can't let you in because I'm in my nightgown and mama says it isn't right for little boys to see little girls in their nightgowns!"
Her little brother thought about this for a moment, then turned to walk away, when Suzi called out from her room. "You can come in now! I took it off!"1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"
10. Meow occasionally.
11. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
12. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
13. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
21. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO DATE AN ENGINEER: 10. T-Shirt and Jeans Are Formal Dress 9. Considers "Posting to the Internet" a Social Life
8. Flames Like a Monster, Speaks Like a Pussy Cat
7. Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm Daily, No Morning Kisses, and No Evening Walks
6. No Matter How Hard You Cry and How Loud You Yell, Just Sits There Calmly Discussing Your Emotion in Terms of Mathematical Logic
5. Listens to Everything from Bach to Prince, Hates Classic Rock.
4. Twinkie and a Jolt 6-Pack Is a Seven Course Meal
3. Talks in Acronyms (TIA)
2. Can't Leave that Damn Pencil Off Ear for One Minute
1. Will File for Divorce If You Call in the Middle of Debugging their C codeTop 15 Ways O.J. Can Raise 33.5 Million
15) Host a Celebrity Stab-A-Thon.
14) Negotiate with the National Enquirer to admit to the Olympic bombing and the assasination of JFK.
13) Hit Kato up for back rent.
12) Tour guide for Hell, Michigan.
11) "I Fought the Law: An Evening in Vegas with O.J. Simpson and Richard Jewell."
10) Host a TV program about mysterious disappearances of spouses, called the "EX-FILES."
9) Contact the Democratic National Committee fund raisers.
8) Get enormous breast implants; marry an old blind billionaire.
7) Develop super-duper coffee mug - sell a dozen to the Pentagon for $2,791,666.67 each.
6) Arrangement with Satan to receive a penny every time someone thinks he should burn in Hell.
5) "Borrow back" from criminal trial jury.
4) Write a "Homicide for Dummies" book.
3) Open a "Kick Me for $5" booth. Wait.
2) "I'll take 'Golf Courses of Southern California' for 33.5 Million, Alex."
And the Number 1 Way O.J. Can Raise $33.5 Million...
1) Invest $67 million in Apple Computer.Things I learned from children...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
Crayons do not remain solid when stored on a car's dashboard on a hot summer day.
Never leave a toddler, a furry animal and a pair of scissors alone in the same room.
VCR's do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. {that darn hamster!}
Small pets and microwaves are a bad combinations.
You should never take a goldfish for a walk; even on a leash.
The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.22. Put toothpaste on the toilet seats
21. Paint people's toenails with black permanent markers when they are sleeping
20. Run underwear up the flagpole
19. Put whipped cream in people's socks and shoes
18. Howl at the moon
17. Attempt to hold up your troop leader, if they don't cook your s'mores right
16. While canoeing, purposely run into the others, and knock them out of the boat
15. Use Brownies for fishing bait(Brownies are the little girl scouts)
14. Attempt to build a fire in the pool
13. Act like Tarzan, and swing through the trees
12. Cook crayfish, fresh from the creek
11. Look for snails
10. Break the zippers on sleeping bags, especially on cold nights
9. Put batteries from flashlights in backwards
8. Two Words: Deer Suit
7. While collecting firewood, use a chainsaw
6. Dart through the woods, suspiciously humming the Mission Impossible theme
5. Attempt to put fire out with face
4. While hiking, drop to your knees and say, "All of you just shut up!"
3. Put Ex-Lax in peoples cocoa
2. Bring your pet chinchilla
1. Take all of the toliet paper out of the latrenes10. Wear your captain's uniform on a date.
9. Request the phaser free section in a restaurant.
8. Constantly take out your wallet and talk into it.
7. "Scan" people with something that looks like a tricorder, and say you're scanning for alien spies if asked.
6. Order lots of expensive things, then when the check comes, say you don't use money, checks, credit cards, etc...
5. Order "Gagh" in a restaurant, throw a violent temper tantrum when they don't serve it to you.
4. In the bathroom, with others in the room, say out aloud, "Set phaser to leak!"
3. In the car, beep other people with the horn, claim you were "Hailing them on all frequencies"
2. When in the car with your date, shout "Warp Factor Ten!" and rev the car as loudly as possible.
And the Top silly thing to do...
1. In the bathroom, depending on how loud you can (or fake a) fart, shout the warp factor you think appropriate prior to doing it.1. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the examiner, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9. Fill your car with beer bottles.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Swear at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior high schools are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires:
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
Thursday, 3 March 2016
List Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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