National Jokes

• Q: What did one German soldier say to the other when the Americans attacked?
  A: "I did Nazi that coming!"




• Two men from Dublin are walking to the annual Dublin Fair, when it starts to rain. "Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it." "Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?" "I didn't think it would rain."

• So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

• Q: Which state has the most questions?
  A: Alaska.

• Q: If you go into the toilet American and you come out of the toilet American, what are you while you're on the toilet?
  A: European.

• There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.
  
  Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! "
  
  After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! "
  
  And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan! "
  
  The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
  The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive! "
  
  There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan! "
  

• Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
  A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to turn the house.

• Q: What is the chance that a Mexican gets across the border?
  A: Juan in a million.
  

• A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

• Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

• An Israeli author was searching for a book store that would allow him to schedule a booksigning to promote his new novel. Book store after book store refused him with one disapproving commment after the other. Finally, the author seized on the idea that he should contact the specialty stores for his proposed booksigning. He had the idea to contact a feminist book store and his call was screened by the store's assistant manager. Upon insistence, by the author, that he speak directly with the manager; an angry manager took the phone to explain why the author was being refused a booksigning. "IT'S BECAUSE THE HEBREW WORD FOR: SHE!....IS: HE!" And with those words the author heard a telephone being slammed down loudly, in his ear.

• Two Irishmen, Murphy, and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.
  
  But now, Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.
  
  He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down.
  
  "O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
  
  O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."
  
  "Well, under my bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
  
  O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through my kidneys first?"

• At first I was surprised the Holocaust happened. And then I watched German Porn.

• Q.: What's the difference between Germans who are computer illiterate and Germans who are computer whizzes?
  
  A.: In Germany, computer illiterates say, "Guten Tag," whereas, computer whizzes say, "Guten Toggle."

• In class, Jose is asked to use the word "Cherokee" in a sentence. He pauses and says, "I lost my house key and now I have to Cherokee with my sister."

• Irish Saw mill Accident....
  Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill.
  
  One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
  Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
  Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
  Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
  
  The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill.
  A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
  So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital.
  Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
  And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
  
  But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
  Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
  Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
  Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
  "No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".
  
  
  
  

• Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? Because they lost the recipe.

• Why do Italians wear gold chains? So they know where to stop shaving!

• How do Germans tie their shoes? With little knot-sies!

• I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
  
  So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
  
  He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
  
  Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."

• Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
  A: A Manila folder.

• A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!" "So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!" "So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

• Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
  A: Juan on Juan.

• Q: Whats an Indian's favorite sport?
  A: Bolleyball.

• Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
  A: Shoot the people pushing it.

• Q: What's the difference between America and yogurt?
  A: If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

• Have you heard the Mexican weather forecast? Chili today and hot tamale.

• Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
  A: You don't bury survivors.

• Q: How did I get to Iraq?
  
  A: Iran.

• Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
  A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

• What does a Mexican order at Starbucks? Cap-a-Chino!

• There was some upset at Margaret Thatcher’s funeral when the decorations were being prepared. More specifically over the drawing pins used to put them up. The upset was caused because a cheap Polish imported brand was used; people said the organizers should have supported British businesses. Apparently some people were so upset they threatened to go on hunger strike. I thought we'd seen the end of the Pole Tacks Diets.

• I live in Bakersfield, California. At least it's not Barstow, a city that owes its existence to the fact that people traveling to Las Vegas needed a place to stop and take a sh*t. There was a toilet and they built a city around it.

• China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

• Q: Why do the French eat snails?
  A: They don't like fast food.

• Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
  A: Carlos.

• I went to a speciality shop to buy a bra for my wife
  The clerk said he needed to know something about her before making a suggestion for instance: We have a Presbyterian bra that is firm and supportive. We have the Salvation Army bra that is warm and uplifting.
  The clerk asked me do you understand? I said yes she is Jewish, small busted and always finding fault with me.
  
  You need the Jewish bra. It makes mountains out of mole hills
  
  

• Q: Why were the Indians here first?
  A: They had reservations.

• Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
  A: God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

• An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

• A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
  LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
  POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
  LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
  POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
  LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
  POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
  LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
  POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
  LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
  POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
  LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
  POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
  LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
  POLE: "She going to kill me!"
  LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
  POLE: "I got proof."
  LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
  POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

• Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

• 2 Irish Divers investigating the Sunken Titanic.................
  Were really surprised to see the swimming pool was still full ;-)

• Remember that watch from Switzerland? The Swatch! Thank God Croatia didn't come out with a watch of their own. "Hey what time is it?" "Oh hold on let me take a look at my Crotch."

• Q: Why is North Korea not as fun as South Korea?
  A: Because it has no Seoul.

• A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

• Three Spies are captured in London. One is German, one is French and the other is Italian.
  
  First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others.
  
  Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others.
  
  Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him,
  
  "how did you last that long without saying a word"? Then the Italian man says, "I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

• Have you heard the Mexican weather forecast? Chili today and hot tamale.

• Mexico doesn't win Olympic medals because all the best runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in America.

• What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding? One less drunk.

• Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
  A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

• An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn't wearing his watch. A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree. The American approaches the Mexican and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what time is?" The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, "4:30." The American asks, "How do you know that?" The Mexican replies, "Well you get a handful of the donkeys balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street."

• An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."

• Q: How do you kill 100 flies at once? A: Smack an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

• In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

• Q: Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?
  A: Because freedom rings!

• A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
  The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
  He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
  So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
  The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

• Q: Why is England the wettest country?
  A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

• Q: What does a West African have for breakfast?
  A: Ebola cereal.

• Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
  A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

• Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotchman and Paddy Irishman come across a magic slide. The slide operator tells them when they slide down, whatever they shout out for is what they will land in at the bottom. Paddy Englishman goes first and yells "Gold!" and lands in gold. Paddy Scotsman goes next and screams "Silver!" so he lands in silver. Paddy Irishman looks down the slide and, being afraid of heights, closes his eyes and jumps, crying out "OH SH*T!"

• Q: Why do Scottish people wear kilts? A: Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

• Nobody starves in America. People in America die from over eating.