A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column.
------------
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?
Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.
Wish us luck
KatieP.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.Xx
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
By DaveA married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a sonThere are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
The one on the range.Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
Cut off your head.A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluffQ. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breathTwo muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.
------
To: All Staff
Subject: CopierPlease, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!
We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help.Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column.
------------
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?
- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake." - The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that
- Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son. - Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
- A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire. - The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
- A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" - Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer
- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
- A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman-then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"My wife found out... - Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.
------
To: All Staff
Subject: CopierPlease, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!
We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help.On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".
If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs fingerwhat is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chickenWhy are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a sonA man was at a grave yard.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"A man was at a grave yard.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloudWhat do you call a camal with 3 humps?
HumphreysWhat do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose offWhat do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-DeerWhat is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-allWhy was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
LipstickThe policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Reason's why it's great to be a woman:
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
You can sleep your way to the top.
You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
Brad Pitt.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.
Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.
So the friend gave the man the witch's address.
The next day he visited the witch.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.
After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.
"Go into the woods and find a frog.
Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."
The man quickly ran to the woods.
After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.
He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.
"NO Thank You" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.
The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied.
"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"
The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn?
"Your future depends on your dreams". So go to sleep.
Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.
Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say..........
The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.
I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.
5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.
So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.
So the two blonde's decide to go.
In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"
So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.
So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.
The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."
The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"
"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".
To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"
There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the faceThere once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head"
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dogQ. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-assQ. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !Below is a genuine email send out to staff at an unnamed company.
------
To: All Staff
Subject: CopierPlease, please please please please - I am begging - keep any and all paper clips away from the copier!
We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier.
PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help.Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.
Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy
Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face
Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
By DaveThe policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.
"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."
"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.
"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"
"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"
"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.
5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.
So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.
So the two blonde's decide to go.
In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"
So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.
So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.
The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."
The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"
"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".
To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"
Below is a letter published in a British personal advice column.
------------
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Manchester, England. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mount Eaden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Manchester United fan?
One night these two midget brothers walk into a bar and one says "Man I'm tired of screwing midget girls lets screw real women." So the other guy agreed.
5 minutes later two blonde's walk into the bar and sit by the two midgets.
So the four of them get talking and the midgets ask if they want to come to there hotel rooms and stay the night and have sex.
So the two blonde's decide to go.
In the first room the blonde and the midget were getting it on when the midget says "Oh baby, I'm sorry this has never happened before, but I can't get hard"
So they give up and lay down to go asleep. But through the wall from the second room they hear "1, 2, 3 uh 1, 2, 3 uh", which keeps up all night long.
So the next day after the blonde's leave the brothers meet each other again and discuss how there night went.
The first midget says "Oh, my night was terrible. I just couldn't get hard."
The second midget replies "Mine was worse than that"
"What do you mean" said the first guy. "I heard you going "1, 2, 3 uh all night long".
To which the second guy replies "Yeah! I couldn't get on the damn bed"
Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.
Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.
So the friend gave the man the witch's address.
The next day he visited the witch.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.
After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.
"Go into the woods and find a frog.
Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."
The man quickly ran to the woods.
After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.
He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.
"NO Thank You" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.
The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied.
"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"
The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.
Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.
So the friend gave the man the witch's address.
The next day he visited the witch.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.
After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.
"Go into the woods and find a frog.
Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."
The man quickly ran to the woods.
After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.
He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.
"NO Thank You" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.
The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied.
"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"
The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
A man was at a grave yard.
He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"
A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"
"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"What do you call an afghan virgin
Mever bin laid onHow did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dryWhat do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A lickalotopisA man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gayWhat's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fshTwo snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-noTwo peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
"Man it's hot in here!!!!"
The other muffin exclaims,
"Look a talking muffin!!!!"A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.
"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."
"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.
"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"
"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"
"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!" said the old man. "I haven't got any money" and he proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the young man emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.
"I got a better idea" said the old man, looking the young man up and down "If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls."
"Fine, sir!" said the young man confidently.
"That fancy suit and tie are gonna look good on me!" said the old man."But take them shoes off first!"
"But sir! I haven't demonstrated the vacuum yet!"
"Yes, you have. The electricity ain't workin"..."
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
Did you hear about hte new French tank?
Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
Where does the one legged waitress work?
The Ihop
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Damn
A blonde walked into a bar
OUCHH!!!
A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
By DaveHave you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.
Wish us luck
KatieP.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.Xx
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From the inside they head a Pakistani accent say, "you foreigners come in. Come in my humble shop." so the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great dessert camel"
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being a sex hero he as.
The husband, "how could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, why don't you see for yourself?"
Well , the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped then onto this feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years-- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye the husband rushed of too the Pakistani man threw him on the table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET"
What do you call a woman with one leg?
- IleneWhat do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- MattWhat do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- BobWhat did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEEWhats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
There is Twenty of them!How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovelThe fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a sonI use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance.
There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older guy, dressed kind of shabbily, small and thin, and he was getting annoyed at being tapped with the bottom of the expensive shoe from the Master of the Universe with the crossed legs next to him.
The train was very crowded and when the old guy was ready to exit the train, he excused himself and stood. Pinstripes didn't even bother to stand to let him out. He simply shifted in his seat, with his legs still crossed.
As the old man exited, he suddenly reached over and slipped the offending tassled loafer from hotshot's extended foot. Then, he reached under the cuff of the tailored suit and pulled off his dress sock. In a second, the old man was out of the train, and the executive was so stunned that he only realized what he did after the doors had closed and he could do nothing about it.
So there he sat, in his $1500 suit and his $100 tie and his monogrammed cufflinks, wearing only one very expensive shoe and one black business sock, staring at his bare foot while turning crimson and purple.
I looked out the window and saw the old guy holding up the polished shoe and the sock and laughing. He looked like a hunter holding up a trophy.
I laughed my head off, as did several others who witnessed this. He was smart enough not to look for sympathy from any of us.
Another old guy looked at him with pity, though, and tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled something out of a plastic bag: it was a pair of plastic flip-flops! The man explained that he didn't need them, and suit-boy took them without speaking, and took off his remaining shoe and sock, replacing what had been a pair of $500 shoes with $2.98 flip-flops.
Now THAT is a humbling experience.
Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.
I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.
His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.
Wish us luck
KatieP.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.Xx
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
Funny Short Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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