There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his cock sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.
Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.
After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!
Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!
Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!
Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!
Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!
Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!
Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!
Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!
At the Convent, there was one preist in particular that liked to fuck all the new nuns until they screamed to god.
One night he had just got done fucking one of the new nuns when he walked into the kitchen butt naked for a snack.
He had just grabbed two candy bars from a drawer, but as he was about to leave, two of the head nun's walked in.
Not knowing what to do, he spead his legs letting his dick hang and put his hands behind his back.
The nuns walked in and thought that he was the new candy machine they had orderd, so the first nun put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick... so he droped one of the candy bars.
The next nun did the same thing, she put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, so he dropped the other candy bar.
They both were delighted but as they walked out, one more nun walked in. The other nuns told her to try the new machine, so she too walked over, put a quarter on his tongue and pulled his dick, but this time nothing happed, so she pulled it again, nothing, so she started pulling it quicker and quicker...
Later the head nuns asked her what kind of candy she had gotten... she replied:
"oh, i didnt get any candy....but i got some nice hand lotion!"
A guy is in the bathroom taking a piss when this huge man walks in and starts pissing in the urinal next to him.
The guy just happens to look over and see the other guys dick is huge.
Then he walks over and says, "Hey man i'm not gay or anything but what is your name? Because you have the biggest dick I have ever seen!"
The big guy says, "Well thanks man. My name is Ben Rover."
Then the guy passes out.
When he wakes up he says "Whats your name again"
"Well it's Ben Rover" The big guy says!
Oh what a releif i thought you said bend over.
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.
He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.
"Notice anything?", He said.
"All I can see is a limp dick". She replied.
"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.
"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!
This joke was submitted by:
DonybeeA bloke walks into a bar with an alligator.
He walks up to the bar and says "I would like a beer thanks."
The Bar man says "Sorry mate you can't have that alligator in here."
The man says "No it's tame I can prove it to you."
So the man throws an ashtray at it's head, and the alligator just shrugs it off.
The bar man says "No I'm still not convinced."
So the guy puts his dick in the alligators mouth and throws an ashtray at his head and the alligator still does nothing.
The bar man looks real impressed so the man says "Would anyone else like a go ?"
An old lady in the back corner says "Yeah I would, but could you please not throw an ashtray at my head."
One day a cowboy was traveling through the desert when he stumbled across an Indian buried in the sand from the neck down.
Confused, the cowboy asked, "What the hell are you doing?".
The Indian says," Telling time" Then suddenly his penis jumps out of the sand and the Indian says, "It's 12:00"
Amazed, the coyboy checks his pocket watch and conferms what the Indian said.
Later on, the cowboy stumbles upon another Indian in the sand, but this one was stroking his penis very rapidly. The cowboy looked down and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
The Indian looked up and shouted, "I'm winding my watch!".
by Jonathan Montgomery
This couple comes to a new town and the guy gets a job at the local pickle factory. A few years go by and each year he wins the employee of the year award. One day in the 3rd year, he comes home looking all depressed.
His wife asks him what the matter is, to which he responds that he got fired.
"FIRED?!? How can you get fired, you're always employee of the year!!" she asked, stunned.
To this he responds that he had another fantasy that he needed to fulfill and it got him fired...
"Oh no, not again...What did you do this time?" she asks.
Well, I always fantasized about sticking my willy in the pickle slicer.
"You didn't!" she hoped.
He blushed and replied, "Well, yes I did."
Then she asks, "Did it hurt?"
"No no really," answers the man.
Puzzled she then asks, "Well what happened to the pickle slicer??"
He answers, "Oh, *she* got fired too!"
There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.
She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.
When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.
She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.
The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."
Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.
As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"
Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."
This joke submitted by:
Steve BraceyThere was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.
The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".
So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"
Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
This joke was submitted by:
Jack TizzardA tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.
Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.
He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.
Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet!"
There was a mouse and an elephant and they decided to go for a walk in the jungle together. So they set off walking and talking and were not really paying attention to where they were going, when all of a sudden the elephant fell in a hole.
"Oh My!" the elephant cried. "What will we do?...I can't climb out on my own".
"Don't worry" said the mouse. I'll just run back into town and get my Porsche and we will have you out of there in no time at all."
So the mouse ran back to town and got her porsche.When she arrived back at the hole she backed the porsche up to the edge. The mouse then threw the elephant one end of a chain and secured the other end to her bumper.
"Here we go" the mouse yelled to the elephant as she put the Porsche in gear and pulled the elephant out of the hole.
"Thank you, thank you so much my friend!" said the elephant.
"My pleasure" said the mouse "Should we continue on our walk?"
The elephant agreed, but as he turned toward the mouse his trunk accidentally knocked her into the hole.
"Oh my goodness" the elephant wailed, "I'm so so sorry!...Oh, What are we going to do now. I'm too big to fit in your porsche!"
"Not a problem" the mouse responded "Just throw your dick down here" The elephant trusted the mouse so he threw his dick into the hole and the mouse climbed out on it.
Once she was out the elephant and mouse continued on their walk with no further mishaps.
And the moral of the story is... ?
"If you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche!"
This joke was submitted by:
ShuwallaThere are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor
I need you" = My hand is tired
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised
I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me
I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it
It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head
he's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you
o you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out
Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now
I have something to tell you = Get tested
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again
I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly
I've learned a lot from you = Next
A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.
The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".
So he radios the station and asks what to do.
The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvet?" and the cop replies "Yes".
So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your dick as you walk up to her".
So the cop does exactlly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his dick.
The blond "sighs" and says please not another breathalizer test.
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him "Why is the front of your shirt all bloody"
His customer answers in a slurred voice "My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my penis."
"Oh come on" replies the bartender.
The customer then says "If you don't believe me, I'll show you."
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says "Why this is just a cigar".
The customer looks puzzled and says "I have it here somewhere" and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says " See that".
The bartender again inspects it closely and says "You asshole that's just another cigar."
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself , leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says "Son of a bitch, I must have smoked it!"
Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!
This joke was submitted by:
Keith RodriguezQ: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dogQ. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-assQ. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.
Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man was not.
So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.
So the friend gave the man the witch's address.
The next day he visited the witch.
After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.
After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with an answer.
"Go into the woods and find a frog.
Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic jewels will shrink 5 inches."
The man quickly ran to the woods.
After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.
He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.
"NO Thank You" the frog said.
The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches to 20.
The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.
Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect, so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.
The frog replied.
"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"
The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to 10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.
A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.
She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"
The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"
And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"
The guy says: "In that case follow me"
So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"
So she picks up his dick, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"
Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.
They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.
The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."
The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."
The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."
When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"
The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."
Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."
So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.
The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."
Daniel EliasJohn (now Jean) is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has transformed him into a beautiful women.
His old friend Pete sees him and says, "John, you look great...you're beautiful!"
John says, "Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt."
Pete says, "When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?"
John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
Pete says, "When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?"
John says, "No, that didn't really hurt."
Pete says, "Then what did hurt?"
John says, "When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked out half my brain."
3 men walk into a bar.
After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them.
The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.
The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.
Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.
The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".
As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."
One night after work a group of male friends go to a bar for a few drinks before heading home.
After a while one of the group keeps seeing a leprachaun running up to his beer & blowing into it making a funny noise with his lips.
At first he thinks he must be drunk & just seeing things so he waited for it to happen again.
Sure enough after a couple of minutes the leprachaun runs out & blows into his glass of beer making a funny noise with his lips.
He looks around at his friends but none of them seemed to have seen it.
Again he waits to be sure he is not just seeing things & again it happens.
By now he is very angry & confused & asks his friends if any of them saw him. They say no they didn't.
He says, next time he does it i'm gonna catch him and chop off his dick.After another couple of minutes the leprechaun runs out & is just about to blow in his cup when the guy catches him & says YES I GOT YOU!!! NOW I'M GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR DICK!!!
The Leprachaun just starts laughing.
The guy says, mate what the hell are you laughing for, a guys about to chop off your dick.
The leprachaun replies well because I dont have a dick.The man sits holding this leprachaun puzzled before asking well how do you piss?
The Leprechaun then runs up to the glass of beer & blows into it making a funny noise with his lips.
LIKE THIS!!!A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.
He went to the local pet store and the clerk said we only have one Parrot that can talk real good, but he is sort of handicapped. The husband asked, "what's wrong with him?" The clerk then told the man that the bird was born with no legs, so he holds himself up on the Perch by wrapping his long dick around it. The man agreed to buy the Parrot anyway.
Once the man arrived home, he put the Parrot in the bedroom closet and instructed the Parrot on what to do. Leaving the closet door partially open for the Parrot to see the bedroom, the man then left for work.
Arriving home the next morning the man noticed his wife had already left for work. He quickely went inside and began asking the Parrot, "what have you seen?" The Parrot replied "You are right, your wife is cheating on you!" "Go on", said the man. "About a half an hour after you left, your wife came into the bedroom with another man! " said the Parrot. "Go on", said the man. "Then they took off all of their clothes and got onto the bed!" "Go on,"said the man. "Then that guy started kissing your wife and sucking on her tits!" said the Parrot. "Then what happend?",asked the man. "Then that guy put his head between her legs and started licking her puss!", said the Parrot. "Then what?" ,asked the man. "I dont know", said the Parrot, "my dick got hard and I fell off the Perch!!"
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"
The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.
Moneys short times are hard heres a fucking chritstmas card
It was the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Moms at the whore house Dads smokin' grass I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter I went outside to see whats the matter
Out on the lawn I saw a big dick I knew at that moment it must be saint nick.
He came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell I knew at that moment that fucker had fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chiminy with just one fart, I knew right then he blew my chiminy apart.
He rode off out of sight saying fuck u all and have a good night!
A Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the womans pussy.
The man took the woman to the hospital.
The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.
The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realises it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.
The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".
The docrot replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
This joke was submitted by:
Brandon GrovesOne day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
It was the night before christmas,
When all through the house,
Not a creature was stiring,
Not even a mouse,
With mom at the whore house,
And dad smoking grass,
I just settled down,
For a nice peace of ass,
When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung to my feet,
To see whats the matter,
When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew for a moment,
It must be saint nick,
He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew for a moment the fat fucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney eith a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew my chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he wrode out of sight,
And said piss on you all,
And have a hell of a good night.
I want a commitment.
I'm sick of masturbation.Haven't I seen you before?
Nice ass.I need you.
My hand is tired.You're the only man I've ever cared about.
You are the only man who hasn't rejected me.I'm a Romantic.
I'm poor.I really want to get to know you better.
So I can tell my friends about it.It's just orange juice, try it.
3 more shots, and he'll have his legs around my head.He's kinda cute.
I want to have sex with him till my dick turns blue!He's not my type.
He won't sleep with me.I miss you so much
I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.I had a wonderful time last night.
Who the hell are you?Do you love me?
I've done something stupid and you might find out.Do you 'really' love me?
I've done something stupid and you're going to find out.I'll give you a call.
I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.I've been thinking a lot.
You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.I think we should just be friends.
You're ugly.I've learned a lot from you.
Next!!!!One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
So the next day the guy cam back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".
The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"
So the doc. said "Nothing special... It was just lip-stick remover".
There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.
One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".
So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.
When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.
Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.
With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".
Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.
But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"
A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.
The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."
The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."
The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.
They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.
The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.
The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.
The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.
So they get out of the ticket.
After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.
The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.
At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, "Home for Lunch".
The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"
"Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went "Home for Lunch."
Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager
Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard
Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light
Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world
Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again
Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide
Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"
Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes
Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.
Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.
Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish
Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle
Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
One day Johnny's mom was teaching him how to use the bathroom in six simple steps...
1. Pull pants down
2. Pull penis out
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin foreward
6. Pull pants upA week later, Johnny's mom was passing the bathroom when she heard him inside repeating the steps to himself, 3,5,3,5,3,5,3,5....
Moneys short
times are hard
heres a fucking chritstmas cardIt was the night before christmas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouseMoms at the whore house
dads smokin grass
I just settled down for a nice piece of assWhen out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I went outside to see whats the matterOut on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew at that moment it must be Saint NickHe came out the chiminey like a bat out of hell
I knew at that moment that fucker had fellHe filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queerHe went up the chiminy with just one fart
I knew right then he blew my fucking chiminy apartHe rode off out of sight saying fuck you all
and have a good nightThis guy was walking down the street and he bumped into a really hot girl.
"Hello, sexy!" He said while stopping in front of her "What's your name?"
She didn't answer.
"Well, my name is Barry"
"Okay" she said "Barry what?"
"I can't really pronounce it, so I'll write it down"
So he wrote it down.
She read allowed, "Madickenewe. Barry Madickinewe."
She slapped him and stormed off.
This joke was submitted by:
EskimoThere were three flies in a jar.
Two female and one male.
One of the female flies asks the male fly "Do you know a way to get out ?"
The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"
So she did and the male fly told her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid real hard.
She did this and fell back down dead.
The second fly then asks the male fly "Please, you musk tell me how to get out !"
The male fly replies "Suck my dick and I'll tell you"
As she does the male fly inscructs her to fly up to the top of the jar and hit the lid two times real hard.
She did this and fell back down dead.
Want to know how the male fly got out ?"Suck my dick and i'll tell you"
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give headUnpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't peeIt's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his flyBut it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it throughLick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to runJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roarAnd when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throatSalty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enoughLet's switch you say, before you gag
And whats your revenge, your on the rag.One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".
So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".
A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina.
The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess.
The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile.
The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled.
The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside, the other two Guards listened. Mmmmmhhhh!?! The other two Guards took off! The next morning, the King came back. He suspected that his Guards tried to fuck his daughter. He told them to drop their pants. Each of them did. Two of them had sliced dicks, but the third one didn?t. Confused, the King asked why. He stuck his tongue out and said, ?I neba pry fuk ur dahta, I wet lik ur dahta?!
The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sicknessRequest denied for the following reasons:
Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too earlyOne day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.
The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."
The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."
The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgious women.
Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
This joke was submitted by:
Cory Dalton
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
Penis Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
Author Description here.. Nulla sagittis convallis. Curabitur consequat. Quisque metus enim, venenatis fermentum, mollis in, porta et, nibh. Duis vulputate elit in elit. Mauris dictum libero id justo.