Motivational Jokes

• Everything is rightly confused.




• It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

• God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.

• I really lack the words to compliment myself today.

• However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.

• How do construction workers party? they raise the roof.

• Why is the day that you do laundry, cook, clean, iron and so on, called a day off?

• Always identify who to blame in an emergency.

• I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

• This isn't working out. I think we should start making other people miserable.

• I bet you I could stop gambling.

• Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

• Everything always ends well. If not – it's probably not the end.

• Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

• If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

• Your life doesn't get better by chance. It gets better by choice.

• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

• You're not sure – outrun and make sure.

• We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

• An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.

• If you're going through Hell, keep going.

• I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

• If you don't like my opinion of you – improve yourself!

• You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

• Mattel has a campaign urging girls to pursue their limitless potential. It's called You Can Be Anything Except A Woman With Barbie's Body.

• It doesn't matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.

• You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

• Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

• It's not what man can create it's what man can become.

• Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

• Don't be irreplaceable - if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

• Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.

• 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

• If you can't beat the record, you can beat up its owner.

• Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

• If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.

• Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I'll give it back.

• Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.

• I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

• Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.

• Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

• Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

• We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works.

• The road to success is always under construction.

• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

• Whenever you get mad, just think of a t-rex trying to masturbate.

• A genius lives in every one of us. Each day more and more heavily…

• If someone is spitting behind you, it means you're in front.

• Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

• Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.

• The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.

• It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

• Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

• How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

• Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

• The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.

• Everything you do you're gonna regret. But if you do nothing – you will not only regret but will also suffer.

• I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

• Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

• The deeper the pit you're falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly.

• Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

• Don't be nervous if someone is driving ahead of you- the world is round, just think that you're driving first!

• Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

• Dream carefully, because dreams come true.

• Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.