Quick Jokes

• What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
  Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

  
  A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

  Why don't aliens eat clowns.
  Because they taste funny.

  What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  A fsh

  Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

  What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
  el-if-i-no

  Two peanuts walk into a bar.
  One was a salted.

  Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says:
  "Man it's hot in here!!!!"
  The other muffin exclaims,
  "Look a talking muffin!!!!"




• What do you call a sheep with no legs?
  A cloud

  What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
  Humphreys

  What do cows do for entertainment?
  They rent moovies !

  What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
  DAMN!

  If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

  How do you stop a fish from smelling?
  Cut its nose off

  What do you call a fish with no eye ?
  FSH !

  What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
  I have no I-Deer

  What is invisable and smells like carrots?
  Rabbit farts.

  What is a dogs favourite school subject?
  "Dog-Ruff-E "

  Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
  Because the Parots-ate-em-all

  Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
  He was charged with battery.

  What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
  Juan on Juan.

  Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
  Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

  What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
  Lipstick

• What do you call a woman with one leg?
  - Ilene

  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
  - Matt

  What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
  - Bob

  What did the left nut say to the right nut?
  The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

  What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
  A quarter pounder with cheese!

  Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
  Cause he was caught with seaweed.

  WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
  BOO-BEE

  Whats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
  There is Twenty of them!

  How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
  Give the bitch a shovel

  The fight we had last night was my fault,
  my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

  Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!

• Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
  
  Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
  
  George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
  
  Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

   

  Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
  A: Shoot her again.

  
  Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
  A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

  
  Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy

  
  Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
  A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

  
  Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

• Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
  Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
  Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

  Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
  I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

  What is the difference between a sin and shame?
  It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

  Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
  The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
  "No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

  Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
  A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

  Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
  A. Because its finger licking good!

  Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
  A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

  Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
  A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

• What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
  He smashed his his nose.

  
  Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
  Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
  Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

  
  A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her ass, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.

  
  Why was the washing machine laughing?
  Because it was taking the piss out the underpants.

  
  What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
  Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

  
  What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
  Your wife will always blow your bonus!

  
  A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
  A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
  He says a fireman!
  You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.

  
  One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
  She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
  She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
  He replies "BREASTS."

• Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
  A: Because his pecker is on his head!

  Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
  A. Cover me im going in!

  Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
  A. It's arse!

  Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
  A. They both have the ability to misfire.

  Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
  A. Because their plugged into a genius!

  Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
  A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

  Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
  A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

  Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
  A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

  Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
  A. Mega-saur-ass

  Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
  A. 3 Stone !

• There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
  The one on the range.

  Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat?
  Cut off your head.

  A Horse goes into a bar and the bartender says
  "Hey buddy, Why the Long Face"

  Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
  A. Where you left it.

  Q. What's pink and fluffy
  A. Pink fluff

  Q. What's blue and fluffy
  A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

  Two muffins are in the oven.
  One says to the other "God it's hot in here"
  The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

• What do you call an afghan virgin
  Mever bin laid on

  How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
  He forgot to wrap his whopper.

  If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

  
  A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
  He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

  Why does a squirrle swim on its back?
  To keep its nuts dry

  What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
  A lickalotopis

  A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
  "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?"

• On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

  If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
  2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

  What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
  Kermit the frogs finger

  what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
  Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

  heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

  What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
  Erotic = using a feather
  Kinky = using the whole chicken

  Why are men like cars?
  Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

• Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!
  Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

  
  Did you hear about hte new French tank?
  Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.

  
  Where does the one legged waitress work?
  The Ihop

  
  What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
  Damn

  
  A blonde walked into a bar
  OUCHH!!!

  
  A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
  The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

  
  A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
  The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
  The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"