Shopping Jokes

• Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

  Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

  Submitted by unni.




• I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “Divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened…..

  Submitted by vicky.

• A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
  
  "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
  
  "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
  
  "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."
  
  "Sure," answered the young man.
  
  As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
  
  As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
  
  "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
  
  "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
  
  

• A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
  
  She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
  
  The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
  
  When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
  
  She paused and said, "Yes?"
  
  The bird said, "You know."
  
  

• The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
  
  "Why?"
  
  "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
  
  

• "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
  
  "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
  
  "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
  
  

• It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
  
  He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
  
  "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
  
  When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
  
  

• A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
  
  Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
  
  When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
  
  The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
  
  The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
  
  

• A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”

  “Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

  The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

  “Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

  The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

  The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”

  “Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.

  “Nope. Don’t have that.”

  “Well” the woman says, “If you don’t have anything, why don’t you close the store?”

  The manager shrugs, “Can’t. Don’t have the key.”

  Submitted by vicky.

• Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
  
  "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
  
  "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
  
  "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
  
  

• Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
  
  "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
  
  The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
  
  The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man.
  
  "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
  
  "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
  
  "I say Sem Ting."
  
  

• Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

  “Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

  “Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

  “Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”

  The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
  
  The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
  
  

• The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

  “Why?”

  “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
  
  He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
  
  The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.
  
  

• This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
  
  So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
  
  The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
  
  The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
  
  Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?
  
  

• A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

  “Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”

  “Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”

  “My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”

  “Yes, but a diamond is forever.”

  “Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “but my marriage won’t last that long!”

  Submitted by vicky.

• It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

  A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

  “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

  “Excuse me,” she said to the sales lady behind the counter, “Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
  
  The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
  
  The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
  
  The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
  
  And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
  
  The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
  
  The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
  
  

• The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

  He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

  The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

  Submitted by Rohit.

• I am going to shop “Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

  “Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

  “No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

  Submitted by Rohit.

• In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
  
  A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
  
  The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
  
  

• It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
  
  A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
  
  "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
  
  

• Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

  “Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked.

  “Not very likely,” his wife said.

  “It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

  With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

  With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.”

  He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

  Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!”

  “No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.”

  The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

  “They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.

  Submitted by vicky.

• A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
  
  "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
  
  When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
  
  

• Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, “How much are these oranges?”

  “Two for a quarter,” answered the vendor.

  “How much is just one?” she asked.

  “Fifteen cents,” answered the vendor.

  “Then I’ll take the other one,” said Mrs. Goldberg.

  Submitted by Rohit.

• A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

  “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

  “Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

  Submitted by Rohit.