Viagra Jokes

• Q: Why do they give old men in Old people homes Viagra?
  
  A: So they don't roll out of bed.




• They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
  
  2% Aspirin
  2% Ibuprofen
  1% Vitamin C
  95% Fix-A-Flat

• What's the difference between Viagra and Al Gore.....Viagra really works !

• Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
  have one.
  
  His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
  
  Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
  
  His son replied, "$10 each."
  
  Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.
  
  The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"
  
  Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

• THE TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA:
  
  * Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
  
  * Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
  
  * Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
  
  * Viagra, Home of the whopper
  
  * Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
  
  * Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
  
  * Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
  
  * Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
  
  * Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.
  
  * This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
  

• The older guys are now taking a new combination, Viagra and Doan's Pills, so the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out...

• NEW DRUG IDENTIFICATION
  
  In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen,
  Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on...
  
  The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today
  that they have settled on......
  
  mycoxafailin

• What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine?

  
  Don King

• Man, I wish they wouldn't make those Viagra pills so big. One got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for 2 weeks.

• Q: What do Disneyland and Viagra have in common?
  
  A: You wait one hour for a two minute ride!
  
  

• The makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase vaginal wetness in females. The new pill will be called Niagra.

• HOW TO TELL IF YOUR VIAGRA IS WORKING:

  
  - At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting, the table floats. - Your face is very pale due to lack of blood. - When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "the tripod." - You begin to think your mother in law is pretty. - Sunbathing nude outside standing: Birds perch on it. - Sunbathing nude outside lying down: You look like a sundial. - Everyone at the bank, grocery, etc... lets you go to the front of the line... - Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar. - You always lose limbo contests. - Lewinsky wants you to be president someday. - You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick. - You like to sleep on your back, so you had to remove the ceiling fan

• Q: Did you hear about the hummingbird that ate viagra? A: He went to chasing helicopters for mating

• What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra??? He got taller.

• A handsome senior gent walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I've screwed up on my calendar and now have 3 young hot babes all coming to my place tonight. What can you recommend to provide me with some 'staying power' because I'd sure hate them to leave sexually unsatisfied?" "Well," says the pharmacist, "I suppose if you trippled the dosage of this Viagra, they should be impressed by your performance." "Sounds reasonable, I'll try it" responds the gent. The next day the same senior gent straggles into the pharmacy, looking much the worse for wear. "Say, you don't look so good this morning fella" comments the pharmicist, "How do you feel?" "How do I feel?" says the senior glancing around the store and seeing there are no other customers. "Look at this!" and proceeds to unzip his fly and lay his manhood out on the counter for the pharmacist's inspection. Now the gent's organ is terribly bruised, lacerated and mangled causing the pharmacist to wince and say "Jeez, that looks painful." "Tell me about it!" says the gent, "Do you have any Absorbine Junior?" "Oh no, if you put Aborbine Junior on that the pain will kill you" replies the pharmacist. "No, no" says the gent, "the Absorbine Junior is for my sholder, the girls never showed up!"

• This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

  
  "Perfect," she replies.

  
  The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.

  
  An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .

  
  She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

  
  The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

  
  The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

  
  "Yes" the man replied.

  
  "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

  
  The man then replied with dismay...

  
  "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

• An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no
  problem. How many do you want?"
  
  The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
  
  The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
  
  The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

• Last night, the Pharmacy in the General Store on the corner was robbed. Two men entered the back, with all the prescription drugs and stole the entire supply of Viagra. The police are now looking for a pair of hardened criminals.

• Q: Did you hear about the guy on the special diet of prune juice and Viagra?
  
  A: He didn't know whether he was coming or going!

• The first Viagra baby was born. It weighed in at 9lbs 7 inches

• Gingko Viagra - it helps you remember what the fuck you are doing.

• Viagra and Propecia
  
  Q: Do you know what happens when you take Viagra and Propecia together?
  
  A: It makes your hair stick up.
  
  

• An Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles. "No, not worth it!"
  
  "OK, how about 50 rubles?"
  
  "No, not worth it!"
  
  "OK, 20?"
  
  "No, not worth it!"
  
  "How about 10?"
  
  "No, not worth it!"
  
  "Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
  
  "Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife that is not worth it."

• Dear Diary:

  
  Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

  
  Day 2 Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

  
  Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

  
  Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his er... "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

  
  Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

  
  Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

  
  Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

  
  Day 11 The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

  
  Day 12 I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.

  
  Day 13 I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

  
  Day 14 Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

  
  Day 15 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

  
  Day 16 I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to: stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. Argh!

• An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
  
  'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
  
  'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
  
  A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
  
  'What happened?' asks the doctor.
  
  'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'
  
  'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
  
  "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
  

• What does Viagra and a Hoover Dirt Devil have in common?
  
  They both provide you with upright power in the palm of your hand.

• A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
  
  The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and
  takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"
  and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
  
  The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
  
  The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the
  pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
  
  The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
  
  The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that
  are you?"
  
  The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."
  

• Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
  
  Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
  
  Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
  
  "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.
  
  "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

• Bob and Bill, two eighty year olds were discussing their sex lives.
  
  Bob said, "Bill, I hear they have a new drug out that helps you have sex and I think it's called Viagra."
  
  Bill said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
  
  Bob thought for a while and said, "Maybe if you take two you can."

• Q: Do you know the generic name for Viagra?
  
  A: Mikoxafloppin