Sick Twisted Jokes

• There was once a teenage girl who wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, but she would sneek them into the house anyway.

  One night she had over a boy, when her father began knocking on the door. She knew she couldn't have boys over so she locked him in the first of her three closets. (The one with all of her dirty shirts and pants)

  About a week later she had another boy over and she herd a knock on the door. As she knew she couldn't have boys over she locked him in her second closet. (With all of her dirty underware)

  Another week later she had another boy over and she herd a knock on the door. She knew that she couldent have boys over so she locked him in her last closet. (The one with her trash can of used tampons)

  A few weeks later she was cleaning her room and remembered the boys in the closets:

  -She checked the first one and the boy had starved to death.
  -She checked the second one and again he had starved to death.
  -She checked the 3rd one and the boy was still there. Curious, she asked how he managed to stay alive. "Thankfully, you left plenty of jelly donuts in your trash can for me to eat" he replied.

   

  Written By Aaliyah Purce
  




• A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

  "Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

  The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

   

• An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800's. Suddenly he stops and points. "Bear have babies." He says.

  One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks, "How'd you know that!?."

  "I know these things," replied the Indian.

  They continue their journey, and a little while later the Indian stops, points, and says, "deer tracks."

  "How'd you know that!?" asks the young pioneer once again.

  "I know these things."

  After another hour of journeying, the Indian jumps of his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come."

  "How'd you know that!?"

  "Ear wet."

• A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

  The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

  The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
  4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

  She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

  The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

  The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
  

• There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

  He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

  The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

  Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

  "Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

  She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

  "How did you know?" the boy asked.

  Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

• A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

  The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

  The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

  When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

  The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

• One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.

  So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

  When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

  The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

  Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

  So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

  The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

  
  Daniel Elias

• There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

  The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

  Submitted By:
  Gregory Mirabel

• There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

  The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

  The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

  The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

  She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

• A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

  The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

  The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

  The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

• There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

  She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

  When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

  She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

  The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

  Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

  As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

  Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

  
  This joke submitted by:
  Steve Bracey

• A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

  He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

  He says "That doesn't matter."

  So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

  A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

  So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

  The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

  The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

• One day a young boy named Jerry came home from school to find his mother and her new boyfriend having sex on the kitchen table.

  Jerry yelled "Hey mum what are you doing?".

  The mother said "OH! .. umm Baking cakes hunny!".

  Jerry said "OK" and went upstairs to do his homework.

  The next morning he came running into her bedroom and said "hey mum you and your friend were baking cakes again weren't you?"

  His mother looked surprised and said "How did you know?", and Jerry answered "Because I just licked the icing off the table".

• One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood.

  They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore & grab another sack to fill.

  John is out at sea all by himself when he see's a shark coming towards him.

  Frantically he calls out to his brothr Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me Help me there is a shark heading straight for me."

  Jack calls back "Yeah Im coming bro"

  John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him & bites off his leg.

  Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs.

  Jack yells back "yeah hold on Im coming!!"

  John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms.

  He yells back to his brother Jack "Hurry!! Come and help me the shark has bitten off my arm and my leg."

  Jack calls back "Hold on Im coming!!!"

  Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells "Jack you have to come & save me. The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm."

  And as usual Jack replies. "Just wait Im coming"

  The shark then bites off Johns other arm.

  Now John has no arms or legs.

  His brother finally arrives to save him.

  Come on bro, get on my back & I will swim you back to shore.

  When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh "I feel fucked"

  And John replies "Well I had to hold on some how!!!"