Time Jokes

• If time is money are ATM's time machines?




• Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

• We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

• Comedy is tragedy plus time.

• Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

• Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

• I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

• I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

• Kids, don't grow up... it's a trap!

• I thought I was just really tired but it's been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

• Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

• Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.

• The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

• A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

• The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.

• People who write "u" instead of "you". What do you do with all the time you save?

• By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

• Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

• When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "You did this."

• I could be a morning person. If morning started around noon.

• By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

• If every day is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

• The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

• When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility.

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

• My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.

• Age is just the number of hours I'm hungover for.

• Time is at once the most valuable and most perishable of all our possessions.

• If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.

• Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.

• Take time to relax especially when you don't have time for it.

• Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

• Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.