Q: Why do they give female names to natural disasters?
A: When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone. . .Q: Why is a KFC better than a woman?
A: Because after you have finnished with the breasts and thigh, you have still got a greasy box to stick your bone in!A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the national association of bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year:
MEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
WOMEN:
1. Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in handbag
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in handbag
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in handbag for old receipt with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for deposit envelope
15. Look in handbag for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Sign cheques
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys.
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in handbag for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse gear
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release handbrakeQ: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?
A: Made the chain too long.
1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.
2. A guy's orgasms are real. Always.
3. A guy's last name stays put.
4. The garage is all his.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell him the truth.
12. He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new
haircut.
13. The world is his urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.
15. He never has to drive to another gas station because "this
one's just too icky."
16. Same work . . . more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.
20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.
22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
25. Porn movies are designed with him in mind.
26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
28. One mood . . . all of the time.Q: How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street. There's a hearse, then a huge German shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind. Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?" The guy says, "My ex-wife." Walsh says, "How?" The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her." Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday." They guy says, "Get in line."
Did you hear about the homosexual undertaker?
He invited a few friends around to suck on a cold one.A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the guys to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort. She advises her to cook her man a slap up meal and then send him out drinking with his friends. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful. The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs. This excites the woman immensely as her hubby has never been this erotic before. She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, "No, no....maybe the guys are right. A beard wouldn't suit me"
One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days
later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her.
Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the
poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know. A minister
noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many
people here?" The farmer answered, "Oh, their not here for the
funeral, they want to buy the mule."There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.? When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.? As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters.? Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.? Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.?? He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love.? Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.?? So what she did was this:
She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."? Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed.? So what he did next was awesome:
He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send? more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.WANTED
A tall, well-built woman with good
sense of humor, who can cook frog
legs and who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
Q: Where would you find a committed man?
A: In a mental hospital.A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank" the woman replies "it's a sperm bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says. "But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.
"Now take another bottle and drink it"
"But sir, I just drank one"
"Drink another one or I will shoot you"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.?Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
?You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
?Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
?Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
?Nuttin' beats mutton
?Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
?Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then
tell you they have to be home early
?Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
?Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you
tell them
?No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
?Sheep are never concerened about their reputation
?Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
?Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the
second time
?Sheep never insist on eating out
?You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
?Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
?Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
?Sheep don't get moody once a month
?You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
?A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after
one roll in the hay
?A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
?A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
?A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
?A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange
your furniture and put up new curtains
?A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
?A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
?A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
?A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
?A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes,
one of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
?A sheep will never sue you for palimony
?A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
?A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
?A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're
screwing
?A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open
a paint can
?Sheep never have a headache
?A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
?A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
?A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a
box of tampons
?Sheep grow their own fur coats
?A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're
having friends over to watch football
?Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
?A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
?Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
?A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
?A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
?A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
?A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
?Sheep are "ram tough"
?A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of
long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the
seat, open beer bottles with your teeth
?Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
?Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
?Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck
?A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too
hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors, she's
too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
?A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN ( short version)
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again.
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one.)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.Age - Favorite Drink
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Age - Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
Age - Favorite Sport
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
Age - Definition of Successful Date
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
Age - Favorite Fantasy
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66 a man
Age - House Pet
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy
the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
Age - What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
Age - Ideal Date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for
the kids
66 He can chew breakfastBECAUSE I'M A GUY
?
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your
mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the
connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the '90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.There were 3 friends and they planned to go to to amsterdam, they took a plane and landed quite late in the evening,they checked into their hotel ,and off they went to the brothel, they could only find ,one pros as it is alraeady late ,but they decided to go one by one ,the eldest of them said ,i am big brother here i first...he went and came back the others asked .."how is she ? " he said ok ,but my wife is better" ,Next the other,went and came back and anwsered the same. then the youngest of them went and came back and answered "i agree with both of you"
Q) Why is the space between a women's tits and hips called a waist? A) Because you could put another pair of tits there.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She starts the sentance with "A man once told me..."Q: Why did the Rubber cross the road? A: It got pissed off.
Q: How can you tell if a man has a high sperm count?
A: She has to chew before she swallows.One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "That's a GREAT trade!"This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. I hate everybody, and you're next.
3. And your point is...?
4. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
5. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
6. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
7. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
8. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
9. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
10. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
11. I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
12. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
13. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
15. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work-more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry... we meant the other way.
* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
* We don't know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, don't even ask.
* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together. * Actually, you probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. * Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, and home repair.
* Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
* Curley is the bald one. * Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, or Naomi Wolf are up to.
* Socks never constitute a gift. * Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
* No, you can't have the remote control.
* When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9 Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words... "Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all
over the place." Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.
18. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you".
22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.
24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump
out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen?
Thursday, 3 March 2016
Male Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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