A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"They all asked the farmer how it tasted."I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
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Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
A: Plymouth Rock
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Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
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Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
A: Because he already had drum sticks!
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Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
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Q: Why did the turkey play the drums in his band?
A: Because he already had drum sticks!
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Q: What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
A: Fangs-giving.
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Q: Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?
A: Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
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Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
A: I'll let you know next week.
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Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
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Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such fowl language.Q: What's a turkey's favorite song?
A: "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"How To Cook A Turkey!
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the
thermometerStep 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.
“Yes,” the British journalist replied, “but we celebrate it on the 6th of September.”
“Why then?”
“That’s when you chaps left.”
Submitted by zanny.
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white, but I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....... happy eating to all---pass the cranberries, pleaseBob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service.
A ragged man in the audience asked, "What is there to be thankful for?"
Surprised, the minister replied, "What is your name,sir?"
"Cause," was the reply.
"Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body..."
"I'm blind and I have lung cancer"
"...or your family..."
"I don't have a family"
"...or your home..."
"I don't have a home."
"Well, then I guess your a lost Cause!"Thanksgiving is all about enjoyment, fun and merry-making. It is about the feeling of togetherness. Share thanksgiving jokes with your relatives and friends to bring a smile on their face and brighten their day.Q: If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!
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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
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Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!
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Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
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Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
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Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
A: To keep his wig warm.
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Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
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Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
A: He had an arrow escape.
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Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote , "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."1. "Reach in and grab the gibblets."
2. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
3. "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!"
4. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
5. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
6. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
7. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
8. "It's cool whip time!"
9. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
10. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.
The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”
The father agrees, “All right.”
The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw the door.Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin.My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I.I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it,I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender.I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste."Oh yes", I say to you,I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat outAn industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred
a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”
Submitted by zanny.
As an early Christmas present, a man gets a talking parrot from his friend. He takes the parrot home and puts it in his living room.
But every time the man goes near the living room, he hears the parrot shouting insults at him. In desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer.
After a few minutes, the insults stop. Thinking he might have killed the parrot, he takes it out of the freezer. The parrot is still alive, but it is shivering.
It stammers, “I’m s-sorry for b-b-being s-so rude. P-p-please forgive m-me.”
So the man forgives him. After a while the parrot asks, “What exactly did the turkey do?”
10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
. . . and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't . .
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."The state of Arkansas recenetly annouced that Halloween and Thanksgiving will no longer be state holidays.
The witch left for New York,and took the turkey with her.1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.
9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.
8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.
7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.
6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.
5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather.
4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"
3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave
2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.
1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.
So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped.
The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop cussing, but I have one question”.
The boy said, “What”?
The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???
Submitted by zanny.
Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a Turkey, we'd be eating pussy for Thanksgiving.
Thursday, 3 March 2016
Thanksgiving Jokes
About Kannnadasan -
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