Car Jokes

• "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
  
  "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
  
  "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
  
  "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
  
  Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
  
  "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
  
  "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
  
  "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
  
  "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
  
  




• I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  
  "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
  
  "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
  
  "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
  
  "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
  
  "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
  
  "I souport publik edekasion"
  
  "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
  
  "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
  
  "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
  
  

• "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
  
  "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
  
  "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
  
  "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
  
  "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
  
  "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
  
  "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
  
  "No Radio - Already Stolen"
  
  "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
  
  "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
  
  

• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
  
  Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
  
  Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
  
  Editing is a rewording activity.
  
  Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
  
  Allow me to introduce my selves
  
  Better living through denial
  
  I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
  
  Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
  
  Too many freaks not enough circuses
  
  

• How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? The Blacks get car insurance.

• There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

• Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
  
  Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
  
  Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
  
  Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
  
  Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
  
  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
  Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
  
  History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
  
  It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
  
  It works better if you plug it in.
  
  

• "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
  
  "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
  
  "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
  
  "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
  
  "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."
  
  "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
  
  "MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"
  
  BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
  
  Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  
  

• Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

• Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer.

• All generalizations are false, including this one.
  
  "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
  
  I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  
  We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
  
  Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  
  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  
  What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
  
  Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  
  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
  
  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  
  

• Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
  
  Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  
  Life is too complicated in the morning.
  
  All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
  
  The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
  
  Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
  
  My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
  
  Ask me about my vow of silence.
  
  Today's subliminal message is: ( )
  
  

• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  
  Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  
  A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  
  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  
  A penny saved is ridiculous.
  
  All that glitters has a high refractive index.
  
  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  
  Anarchy is better than no government at all.
  
  Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
  
  Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
  
  

• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  
  I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  
  He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
  
  She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
  
  You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  
  I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  
  Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  
  Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  
  A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  
  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
  

• Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  
  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
  I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  
  Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  
  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  
  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  
  Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  
  All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  
  Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  
  

• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  
  A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
  If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  
  Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
  
  I'm just driving this way to get you mad.
  
  Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  
  Hang up and drive.
  
  Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  
  Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  
  I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  
  

• What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

• What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

• If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

• Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

• What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

• To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

• If you are psychic - think "HONK"
  
  If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
  
  You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
  
  Don't get me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
  
  You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!
  
  Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  
  My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
  
  Grow your own dope, plant a man.
  
  All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
  
  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  
  

• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  
  Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
  
  Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
  
  Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
  
  Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
  
  The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  
  Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
  
  I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  
  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  
  Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  
  

• There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

• Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  
  Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
  
  Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
  
  Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  
  Adults are just kids who owe money.
  
  Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
  
  I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  
  You! Off my planet!
  
  -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  
  I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?
  
  

• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  
  BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  
  So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
  
  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  
  All men are idiots....I married their king.
  
  IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  
  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  
  Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  
  Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
  
  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  
  

• My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

• Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

• "All generalizations are false."
  
  "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
  
  Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
  
  "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
  
  "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
  
  "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
  
  "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
  
  "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
  
  "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
  
  "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
  
  

• I work to buy a car to go to work.

• Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
  
  It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  
  Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
  
  Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  
  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  
  Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
  
  Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
  
  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  
  Eschew obfuscation.
  
  

• If you want to change your life significantly just walk to the Mercedes-Benz 600 standing at the junction, take a brick and throw it into the windshield.

• Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

• My karma ran over your dogma.
  
  I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
  
  A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
  
  I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
  
  Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
  
  My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
  
  Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  
  "I is a college student."
  
  If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  
  

• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
  
  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  
  I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  
  Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  
  Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  
  I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  
  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  
  Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
  
  Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  
  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
  
  

• I love animals, they taste great.
  
  EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
  
  "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
  
  Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  
  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  
  Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  
  He who laughs last thinks slowest!
  
  Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
  A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  
  Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  
  

• I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.

• Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
  
  Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  
  Is it time for your medication or mine?
  
  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
  
  How do I set the laser printer to stun?
  
  I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert....
  
  Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  
  Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  
  I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
  
  And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?
  
  

• My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.