Latest Jokes

• Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % sure you'll stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
  A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.




• Once there was a farmer that was very protective of his three daughters. When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun. The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go. The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go. Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him.

• Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
  A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

• Remember that watch from Switzerland? The Swatch! Thank God Croatia didn't come out with a watch of their own. "Hey what time is it?" "Oh hold on let me take a look at my Crotch."

• Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

• Q: What type of sandals do frogs wear?
  A: Open-toad!

• Yo mama is so fat China uses her to block the internet.

• A man walks into a bar. He gets very drunk and asks the bartender where the restroom is. The bartender explains it's the third door to the right, but the man goes into the third door to the left. He finds a large golden toilet. The man takes a big poop in it and leaves. He continues to return to drink there every week, and every time he goes to poop in that golden toilet. One day he finds the golden toilet is gone, so he asks the bartender about it. The bartender exclaims, "So you're the one who's been pooping in my tuba!"

• During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!" The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!" Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" "I'm not a member of this church," the man replied.

• Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
  A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear.

• Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

• Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
  A: Envelope.

• Q: What computer sings the best?
  A: A Dell.

• Q: What did the verb say when the words have, has, and had were removed from the English language?
  A: "Nobody's perfect!"

• Yo momma so ugly she is the reason they turn off the lights at the movie theater.

• Chuck Norris is only afraid of one man! A man so crazy the crazy house won't take him! A man so tough when you look at him you get a bruise! A man so strong the Hulk and Superman lost to him in an arm wrestling match! And he is the only man to give Freddy Kruger nightmares! Who is this mystery man? Well some say he is a myth, some say he's a legend and some say he doesn't even exist. He is none other than Chuck Norris' reflection!

• Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
  A: A chalkboard.

• You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

• Q: Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon?
  A: Because she'll let it go!

• Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
  A: The letter "m."